This is just too much...

[Eyeamme]

I have been NC from my uBPD daughter. It has been 3 weeks. I just got a thank you note from my 5yo Grandson for a birthday gift I gave him 3 weeks ago for his birthday. I am still raw from the verbal abuse I got before I blocked her. I believe that if I call or text or anything she will start verbal abuse. I am so confused. The mommy in me wants to call but my new "I am going to protect myself" me is too scared to do so. I don't want to but that makes me feel so guilty. I know I know ------------> read stuff on sidebar. My brain knows but my heart hurts.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Is it really necessary to respond to a thank you? 

It is important to pay attention to the anxiety that you are feeling at the thought of contacting your daughter.  Your anxiety is telling you something needs to change because there is probable danger.  It is going to take time for you to learn to cope with the past, the present, and the future.

Your anxiety is a conditioned response.  The racing heart rate, sweaty palms, body tremors, dry mouth are your physical body's reaction to fear.  Can you tell I've been there?

Important, potentially highly affective, and huge steps have been taken to help yourself... .coming here, seeing a therapist, going to Family Connections meetings. 

Can you give yourself some time to learn and let all this new information and support begin to make a difference in your life?

Take in 4 seconds of breath, hold it 4 seconds, blow it out for 6 seconds... .repeat 4 times.  Let the fear out with every breath. 

[Eyeamme]

Thank you. So raw and sometimes I just need someone to talk to me. 30 years of conditioning is hard to break. Thank you once again for your patience.  I also have to remember to breathe.