Maybe too late, but it looks like the kids are waking up

[sanemom]

BG: the kids saw DH have an adverse medical reaction; BPD mom convinced them somehow that it was the result of drug use, took them away, called CPS, filed a TRO, and we were forced into court.  At the TRO hearing, CPS had only started the investigation so the judge kept the boys with BPD mom and ordered her to bring to reunification therapy with dad.  Of course, she didn't, and the boys refused to have ANY contact with dad--only further supporting their belief that dad needed drug rehab.

Now that the judge has reversed custody based on what the kids wanted, and the kids have actually seen their dad again, the kids are realizing that dad is just fine... .did not need drug rehab... .and it was just as I had told them--an adverse medical reaction. 

The counselor has started a "parenting islands" boundary that both parents have agreed to so that the boys do not talk about one parent while at the other parent's house.  This was already going on at our house, but they had a habit of sharing with BPD mom what was going on here, BPD mom would validate (and sometimes even fuel the emotion) and try to "save" them from their issues with their dad.

The boys told the counselor that the parenting islands thing helps with mistrust--said that now they don't have to hear things that make them question the truth.  One of them used the recent events as an example of how he got worked up over his mom's story and how that won't happen with the new system.  The counselor said that he seemed relieved not to have to share dad's stuff with his BPD mom.

If they had only given their dad a chance BEFORE court, we may not be in this predicament.

And I know they will always love their mom, but I really want to see them go through the anger stage of what she has done recently.  I don't know why, but maybe it is because then I know they got it and will be more vigilant about stopping this kind of mess from happening again.

[sanemom]

And apparently I can only handle so much of this pretending nothing happened and having patience.  I did fine for two days but tonight in the car, my sarcasm came out. 

Tonight we were getting into the car and DSS17 said he thought it smelled like someone had smoked in the car; I said, "Maybe your dad started smoking.  Let's start saying that now."  DSS17 said, "he would never" and DSS15 got quiet--I think he got it.

I told DH I think I need to be gone tomorrow... .it's easier for him, I am sure, because they're his kids.

My DD17 told me today she couldn't keep pretending nothing happened--I told her that only the adults were working with a counselor on this one so she can say what she feels she needs to say.

[Turkish]

DD17 is almost an adult, so soon "anything goes," legally, perhaps. But what's healthy? They're  still children.

I smile at your sarcasm, because I can appreciate it.

It sounds like things have kind of stabilized after the CPS drama, no?

[bravhart1]

I've def been there! Sometimes I just can't help myself.

The other day I found SD7 snooping through some paperwork on my desk. I asked her if she needed anything in particular and she said that she thought my paycheck looked like her moms paycheck and that she thought that it might be her moms.  

I just looked straight in her eyes and said, " why don't you just ask me for an exact list of the documents you need and I'll photocopy them."

She became very " oh, no I don't need anything, I was just looking around... ."

I happen to be fed up at the time , and I know that BPDm prob put her up to trying to sneak out with one of our pay stubs, she's already talking about needing more money in her court docs.

[sanemom]

DD17 is almost an adult, so soon "anything goes," legally, perhaps. But what's healthy? They're  still children.

I smile at your sarcasm, because I can appreciate it.

It sounds like things have kind of stabilized after the CPS drama, no?

I guess they have settled down a little... .our attorney had to write up the order and see if they will sign it.  BPD mom is already not cooperating fully with the counselor (not signing her forms, canceling appointment ten minutes prior, etc).  BPD mom has also apparently gotten a realtor to find a place to live with our money (wonder how that works when she has no job). 

We are pretending nothing happened for now, which drives my DD17 crazy bc she was really screwed over in this mess.  The counselor said that it is fine for DD17 to say what she needs to say to resolve things... .that the kids need to work things out their own way... .but we, as adults, need to understand that these kids were manipulated and get things back to normal before addressing the elephant in the room.

I am just not good at that--I tend to want to take care of relationship messes immediately.  I am not good at pretending all is well when someone has hurt me and my family.  But I get the reason and I am doing it... .for now.

[sanemom]

Nothing really more to say except I am still not good at ignoring this elephant in the room.  They are here overnight, and I just went into my room so I don't have to breathe their air.  I can tell that DSS15 is trying to read me; I am being cordial, but that is it.

I am sorry--I am still dealing with a five year old who is asking me if I am going to take her away from her daddy, who keeps having dreams about being left, and who has been clingy since this whole thing went down.  And maybe the boys were manipulated, but they still did it.

I contacted their counselor for me to talk with her about dealing with this better.