Confused about what's real

[Cam1970]

We have taken in a 17 year old family member that has had a tough early childhood. She was adopted by her grandfather around 10 along with her twin and baby sister. She had lived a long time with drug addict parents and the instability and neglect that goes along with that. She struggled with fitting into a structured household with high standards of behavior. I've always thought she rebeled against the strict parents. She had to leave the home a year ago after she made claims of abuse. She has been living with a family friend since then. The not so good behavior continued and she recently was hospitalized for hurting herself. Her stepmother decided she didn't need to be with the person she was with and my mom ( who lives with me) offered to take her so she didn't have to go to a military school. All we have heard is the harm she has caused to the family and my mom resents what she has done and said. I didn't want her to come because I was afraid of her causing the same trouble in my house. But given no choice I decided to accept her with love because maybe she just was rebelling against an over strict father who expected her to be perfect. Silly to think that since she was coming from a mental hospital. We have tried to be as loving and supportive as possible , understanding of her anxieties and hoping she would feel better once she was comfortable with us.She is very unemotional unleas upset.She seems to feel hopeless. That she will always be in this unhappy anxiety ridden place. So when dealing with her you can't help but want to tell her everything will be okay or whatever makes her feel better. But then something in my head says she's manipulative and she can't really be trusted. Is that all the things I've heard in the past or is that just intuition ? I've never heard of borderline personality disorder so reading the stuff in some articles scares me. What have we gotten ourselves into. We can't just send her away because that doing what everyone else in her life has done... Abandon her... But I'm not sure we can emotionally handle the situation because we are ( the adults) already fighting amounts ourselves over what to do... Any info or help would be great. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello 1970,



Being an adoptee myself, and hanging around a lot of adoptive families in my youth, this feels familiar to me, even though she's a relative. She likely is dealing with abandonment issues. While you aren't responsible for her feelings, you can help validate them (see the lesssons in the right sidebar to start).

It's understandable to feel manipulated.  With a pwBPD (person with BPD), this may not be a deliberate tactic in the way which we may think of it, but rather a dusfunctional coping mechanism which has worked for her in the past. Do you have any specific examples on how yo feel.manipulated?

Turkish

[lbjnltx]

Hello Cam1970,

It is so very kind of you to take her in and try to give her a stable environment to finish out her childhood in. 

Is she now or has she in the past been in therapy? 

I look forward to your reply and learning more about your family and how to support you as you learn to support this 17 year old who has been through so much.



lbj

[Cam1970]

Thanks for responding. She has been with us a few weeks and we are having troupe finding Drs and therapist to take her insurance or won't treat a minor or won't treat her disorder. Those that do have a waiting list til December. Feeling manipulated on an emotional level is what I mean. i don't know if it's intentional to get sympathy or if that's just how she is. Her past is full of what I've been told is lies and patterns of destructive behavior yet when she tell you the story's from her point of view she's the victim and my uncle was abusive and her stepmom always hated her. So everything she has done is their fault. I try to be neutral and not take a side. But if she truly is just a hurt young girl then how we go about daily life is different than if she tells lies to punish people who make her mad. My husband is home with them during the day so they are close. She likes to just hang out with him or my sons because my mom isn't as talkative or supportive. But am I putting them in danger by allowing her the freedom to hangout with them? But to restrict it would leave her isolated and she resents being treated like a child when my mom makes her go inside once it gets late. Part of me says to treat her as I would anyone else is what will help her heal. But the other part is scared of the unknown of what she may or may not be capable of. She goes to the dr today, hopefully to get something for anxiety because she wants to hurt herself or die even when she gets upset. She's so afraid of being taken away from us, because she has been taken away from every other place. But in each situation ( other than her real parents) she had to leave because of her behavior , but in her head she's still the victim not the cause of having to leave. I just don't know enough about bipolar and BPD to know what is real and what is just real in her head.

[Cam1970]

She has been in therapy off and on in past after being taken from her parents. Then again at 13 for some troubles. But never consistently and in the past year was diagnosed with bipolar and after being committed to the hospital for several weeks last month she was diagnosed with BPD. No one ever said she had a diagnosis and possibly her parents didn't know because they never told us about it. We just have the records from the hospital with the BPD and her telling us she is on medication for the bipolar. She will seem perfectly fine but randomly say She feel manic. Or tell stories of things she did because she was manic. Being around her I would say she has extreme anxiety, depression , a warped sense of self( she has had eating disorders) she is thin but thinks she isn't. She is super sensitive to any stress around her and gets really upset and scratches til she bleeds. She was cutting in her previous home so thank God thats not happened. We are continuing to search for therapist and it seems that's the only real treatment for this, so I hope it will help. These are just things I've had experienced with her but past things I'm sure has to be involved in the diagnosis.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for responding. She has been with us a few weeks and we are having troupe finding Drs and therapist to take her insurance or won't treat a minor or won't treat her disorder. Those that do have a waiting list til December.

Having to wait for professional help is frustrating, you are doing the best you can.  You could go ahead and make the appointment and ask to be put on the cancellation call list.  You might get her in sooner.

Feeling manipulated on an emotional level is what I mean. i don't know if it's intentional to get sympathy or if that's just how she is. Her past is full of what I've been told is lies and patterns of destructive behavior yet when she tell you the story's from her point of view she's the victim and my uncle was abusive and her stepmom always hated her. So everything she has done is their fault. I try to be neutral and not take a side.

This is common for people who suffer from BPD and traits of BPD.  If they feel

mistreated then they must have been mistreated.  Their intense emotions tell them their feelings are facts.  The logic/reason part of their brain doesn't have a chance to balance their emotional thinking.  Through skills like mindfulness and wisemind (DBT) they can learn to have more balanced thinking which will have a positive affect on their behaviors/reactions.  Remaining neutral is optimal.  One way to do this and build a relationship with her is by validating her emotions (not her thoughts or beliefs).

But if she truly is just a hurt young girl then how we go about daily life is different than if she tells lies to punish people who make her mad. My husband is home with them during the day so they are close. She likes to just hang out with him or my sons because my mom isn't as talkative or supportive. But am I putting them in danger by allowing her the freedom to hangout with them? But to restrict it would leave her isolated and she resents being treated like a child when my mom makes her go inside once it gets late. Part of me says to treat her as I would anyone else is what will help her heal. But the other part is scared of the unknown of what she may or may not be capable of.

Does she have a history of reporting false allegations of abuse?  It may be advisable to keep a daily journal of the goings on in the home... .making specific notes of time frames, who she is with, and what happened that day. 

She goes to the dr today, hopefully to get something for anxiety because she wants to hurt herself or die even when she gets upset. She's so afraid of being taken away from us, because she has been taken away from every other place. But in each situation ( other than her real parents) she had to leave because of her behavior , but in her head she's still the victim not the cause of having to leave. I just don't know enough about bipolar and BPD to know what is real and what is just real in her head.

What is real in her head is what is real to her.  Simple yet confusing when her reality is not inline with the facts... .keep in mind that to her if she feels it then it is a fact.

She has been in therapy off and on in past after being taken from her parents. Then again at 13 for some troubles. But never consistently and in the past year was diagnosed with bipolar and after being committed to the hospital for several weeks last month she was diagnosed with BPD. No one ever said she had a diagnosis and possibly her parents didn't know because they never told us about it. We just have the records from the hospital with the BPD and her telling us she is on medication for the bipolar.

Is she taking her medications according to directions?

She is super sensitive to any stress around her and gets really upset and scratches til she bleeds. She was cutting in her previous home so thank God thats not happened. We are continuing to search for therapist and it seems that's the only real treatment for this, so I hope it will help. These are just things I've had experienced with her but past things I'm sure has to be involved in the diagnosis.

She has low distress tolerance.  Imagine if you had such intense emotions, then imagine how something small like being told "no" would feel to you.  To a regular teen being told "no" might leave them irritated/ disappointed.  To a teen with BPD it might feel like rejection, unworthiness, controlling.

Hope this helps a bit in understanding her. 

Here is some info that may also help:

DIFFERENCES/COMORBIDITY: Borderline PD and Bi Polar Disorder

[Cam1970]

She does have a history of accusations, and admits to me she lied once , so she said why wouldn't she admit it if she was lying now. I'm sorry I don't know how to pick a part and attach what I'm responding to . Last night was full of drama and I don't think she will stay. Which hurts my heart for her that we couldn't be a place for her to heal.

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry that last night was drama filled.   :'(

What happened?

[Cam1970]

We've struggled with the boundaries of hanging out my son who is 28. Who has a big heart and is super outgoing and She really likes just to hang out and watch movies or listen to music in his room. He has went out of his way to make time to hang out so life seems more normal. It's a suite so has living room area and is right off my moms living room so it's not an isolated area or anything. But with her history we aren't sure if it's appropriate. So mom decided around 10 that she should come back to her living room. They didn't right away so it made her upset and she told them again. When they did come in my son said something A that made A laugh and my mom went off. Told her what did she think was so funny,and she didn't want her in there because she's lied before about being abused , so she doesn't want my son to hurt by any of her possible lies. It was really mean. So it started a whole cycle of arguing between everyone in the house. I know there is nothing wrong with them hanging out, it's just not knowing what she is capable of saying. Are we putting the men at risk to hang out with her? But for her to feel we don't trust her is not good either. So I just don't know what to do. I just don't know if my mom can get past what A has said about my uncle and give her a real chance. I also don't know if we need to just let them hang out so that she doesn't feel isolated. ( her parents have rules about her having no phone or computer so the people here are all she has) My mom also doesn't like her hanging out late with my husband and that has caused issues too. She's just afraid. she brought her here knowing the situation,so do we have to just figure out what is best for A and deal with any consequences to us if that happens?she didn't chose this. It's so much more complicated than I can explain.

[lbjnltx]

I get the concern and the desire to provide a secure environment for her. 

What can be done to minimize the risk of false allegations?

Keeping a daily journal has been mentioned.  Within organizations like churches and child care they mandate that a child not be left alone with someone of the opposite sex; that 3 parties be present.  How about staying in common areas of the home? 

Having so many people in the home complicates things when not everyone is on the same page. 

[Cam1970]

I agree to stay in common areas. But that is what makes her upset to be treated like a child and not trusted.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I understand, I would be hurt too if I was in her position. 

Many times I had conversations with my daughter about trust, that it is a gift until violated and then it must be earned back.  Can you have a compassionate conversation with her about earning trust and how you very much want her to be able to stay in your home while this trust is earned?  That it is one of the ways she has to make a sacrifice until trust is earned?  That you understand that it doesn't seem fair and feels hurtful?  That it is for everyone's good, especially hers for the time being?