Ex has BPD and will not be clear on closure

[Depleted904]

For almost a month I have been warring with myself in my own head to move on from a failed relationship with my BPD ex. I have done some reading and I'm still unsure of what is to come in the future. As of right now we were together for 5 years in which I got her off of drugs and cutting, she found a stable job and has advanced in her roles since, and has in the last two years become distant and has been apart of two seperste affairs. One verbal over text and the other an affair lasting almost a month where she denied it rigourously until I forced the truth out of her. This last one prompted me to kick her out.  Our relationship was all but healthy but now I find myself wanting answers and maybe a better chance now that I'm starting to understand the mental ailments associated with her disorder. I took a lot of what she was ding personally outside the affairs, which are unacceptable. Her rage fits and her binging were amplified over the last two years.  As of right now I just became strong enough to start no contact. Which she has actually been asking for space for a while now, I will say I went down the rabbit hole and tried to blame myself for our break up and I tried to justify her affair. These traits are not like me at all. She is currently in hiding and has not come clean to myself of her family about what she is doing. I'm almost certain she is seeing this guy who is 9 years her elder and a coworker. But I know she is keeping it hidden from Atleast our friends and her family about what she is doing. And has used a work promotion as an excuse not to talk about her feelings. I have asked her repeatedly for either closure or the consideration of she went back into therapy to start the relationship slowly again because I do love her, Her response to this was that she needed time to process her feelings. My question is what does process entail and given what she has to deal with day in and out, am I just being a sucker and being put on the hook as a fallback? She's adamant about the break up, but will not disclose if she is done in the future. But has no intention of letting my know that now. Thanks!

[hashtag_loyal]

PwBPD are generally terrified of closure. It triggers their abandonment fears. If you are expecting closure in any way, I encourage you not to get your hopes up.

As far as being a fallback? I am not sure about your particular situation, but it is quite common for pwBPD to keep exes around as fallback options, keep multiple interested "orbiters" around as potential r/s "back-ups", date multiple people in parallel, or any combination of the above. Sustained monogamy is very difficult for someone who lacks object constancy and impulse control, but also suffers from the fear of both abandonment and engulfment.

At some point you will need to decide whether you want to continue to live with the chaos and uncertainty, or take it upon yourself to walk away into the land of happiness and freedom.