Another Violent Episode

[Flexion]

Thanksgiving Day, my wife started to dysregulate. Seems every holiday or her birthday she is a wreck. She starts out with simple things and little remarks to try and get me worked up. she blames me for something and I tell her "no it wasn't me!" I leave it alone, as  I know she is story building and really has no idea that she actually is the one doing it. Nonetheless, out of the blue, she starts to find everything I've done wrong over 8 years... .again. Even the crap she makes up!

Well, as the tension increases, I take my son and go to his room as calmly as possible say "I am not having this conversation in this tone, nor am I listening to you put me down. I close the door to escape.

I hear her in the kitchen grumbling and getting increasingly angry. I keep my mouth shut! Do you know how hard that is, considering I do have a way with words and PLENTY to say?

Anyhow, moments later, she busts the door open to yell assaults at me. I interrupt to say " I am not listening to this another second!" She continues to yell and belittle me. I start to step past her in the doorway( I had already went to the room to get away) and say  I am walking out  because I am not having you yelling at me. When I get close enough to her, she blocks the door, shoved me back,  and starting punching me.  ONce she starts punching me, she grabs my sons arm and says " give me my son you evil man!" I mean, really? she goes into an all out panic. I am NOT thinking that I am 'keeping' her son from her. I see it as she is out of control and in no place to snatch our son from me. After a few minutes, I give her my son to calm her rage. I didn't want to give him to her because she does crazy crap and the wants to strip my son from me.

THe last time she punched me and broker her finger(Oct 2nd) she had told me to go give our son a bath. I did! Once she gets wound up and feels the need to dysregulate on me, she wants to come snatch him from me and act like I am the devil. IF I don't give him to her right away, it's ugly?  I would never keep him from her! THese are the times she tells me "you can go give him a bath" blah blah blah. When i do it and close the door, she looses it. I don't know. help!

We have discussed  in the past ABOUT taking time to "cool off!"  When I told her a while back that I would no longer participate in a conversation where personal(or physical) attacks were taking place.  Of course, she has to yell at me that she will do the same if she senses I have an issue with something. YOu see, to her, if I have a problem with something(OR DISAGREE WITH HER) and give ANY type of sign that I disagree( like a calm sigh) , she uses that to say it's the "same thing' as her verbally, mentally or physically abusing me. Really? OF course, now she has more ammo  to attack, because you know in her mind, I do this to her too! WHAT?

Now, everything blows over that day. WE had a decent Thanksgiving.

Yesterday, we walk down the street to a local shopping area to get out. On the way back, she starts little comments about how I should of done this or that and her finger wouldn't be possibly broken.  "Now I have another broken finger thanks to you" she says.  "you're so selfish you only think about you!" blah blah blah!  I could tell that she was trying to lie the blame on me again for her finger being possibly broken. I mean, it couldn't be her fault at all, right? I finally tell her ( while walking down the road) that I am not taking the blame for her breaking her finger. I said " there is NO justification for you hitting me!"

Saying "there is no justification for you hitting me" was the worse thing I could of said! That comment started  another episode. The only way I could of avoided this yesterday is to take full blame for her hitting me and admit that I caused it.That is what she says! Really?

I Mean she was not giving up on this. It is always this way. I am blamed for everything crazy she does. I know this site has a lot of good advice. I need some on how to deal with this.

[Icthelight]

Sorry to hear you're going through this Jax. Sounds like a typical BPD meltdown.

I know she is story building and really has no idea that she actually is the one doing it. Nonetheless, out of the blue, she starts to find everything I've done wrong over 8 years... .again. Even the crap she makes up!

I know how this feels. Before learning about BPD, I picked up that my W was building a case against me or finding ways to poke the bear (yes, I can growl too when poked hard and long enough). I didn't understand why she did it, I just knew that she was doing it and I would end up as the bad guy or reason for her anger. And there was no mistaking who's fault it was because she made it perfectly clear (like 100 times) that it was me and also regurgitated   over and over     my faults and infractions since we got engaged. For some reason I changed as soon as I asked her to marry me but really lost my mind and changed when we got married. So JAX, according to my wife, I've been doing evil stuff for 23 years and I hear about it quite often. And yes, the crap she conveniently twists to match her emotions is infuriating. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt about her inaccuracies because she was so convincing and would recant her version so clearly. I am not one to keep score, can get over things fairly quickly, and can't recall stuff clearly that happened more than a week, max. so I always ended up thinking, I guess she's right.

This situation still happens, but now knowing about BPD, I understand why she's doing it. I see the case building happening and now I can better prepare and anticipate her actions and find better ways to respond to her. I am also trying not to take things personally and trying to detach emotionally as best as I can. Having answers and knowledge has helped me do this. Also, focusing on taking care of myself and improving myself is now a focus for me. I'm working out, trying to eat better (not lately though. Thanksgiving appears to have dysregulated my appetite, but I expect to regulate beginning Monday) and I am now seeing a therapist.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Anyhow, moments later, she busts the door open to yell assaults at me. I interrupt to say " I am not listening to this another second!" She continues to yell and belittle me. I start to step past her in the doorway( I had already went to the room to get away) and say  I am walking out  because I am not having you yelling at me. When I get close enough to her, she blocks the door

Be very careful here. With emotions running high this can really get ugly. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT even tap or brush up against her as you're leaving because there's a good chance that she'll accuse you of hitting or hurting her. The fact that she's pouncing on you and going for the knock out will not matter. She's out of control and will look for anything to validate her rage.

THese are the times she tells me "you can go give him a bath" blah blah blah. When i do it and close the door, she looses it. I don't know. help!

Not sure what is triggering her here but is it possible to not close the door when you bathe your son? Was she sexually abused or someone close to her sexually abused? If closing the door is a trigger for her, then if possible, leave it open. I know, no deep insight here, sorry, this is beyond my scope

You are not alone Jax, there are many similarities in your story to mine. Try to shift the focus from improving her to improving yourself. Once you begin to respond differently to her, she's also likely to change. Set firm boundaries and don't deviate from them. It will probably get worse (extinction burst, painting you black) before it gets better, but if you are taking care of yourself and now have a plan, your situation may not seem that out of control. Hang in there and keep reading and posting. I know that has helped me get through these recent tough times.

[Henry II]

I can see we do not suffer alone. Seems like you both are married to my wife. I can laugh because I have been dealing with this so long I just don't care anymore.

What they are suffering from is labeled SAD, Seasonal Associative Disorder. Google it.

Lotsa labels and what it boils down to some of the time is how they were raised. Probably in a dysfucntional home.

They thrive on being stimulated just like a child throws a tantrum to get their own way. I feel like I am living with a 2 yo. LOL

My W is not able to function. Can't drive, go the mall, be in crowds etc. Wasn't always that way, just now she refuses to be some one else, which she said she was   in order to cover up her insecurities.

Here is a book "Change your brain, change your Life" by Dr. Daniel Amen, where he explains some of the function of the brain and resulting behavior. Very interesting at the least. He is a shrink MD and runs a clinic in CA.

There seems tom be a biological reason to their behavior besides or increased by how they were raised.

My W refuses to admit and will not take any meds, but Amen has had great success. Read the book. 

Hope your days improve. You cannot disagree with them. There are other readings available on here that I have read using Kindle and they won't know and can help you .

Myself , I want out because after 23 years of Marr. I see no change on the horizen. Luck H2   

[Icthelight]

Wow Henry, you've been married the same number of years as me. I found out about BPD earlier this year, when did you find out?

Thank you for the recommendation and the insight. And yes, when I read the posts, I sometimes laugh because the stories are so similar and I also feel badly because I know the pain the poster is going through.

I many times feel hopeless, but I am trying to understand the pain that my wife is feeling. I many times thought she was twisted and evil, not understanding why anyone would do what she did. Reading and learning has given me compassion for her. Until I'm being raged on, no compassion at that moment 

Hang in there, you're not alone.

[Flexion]

Sorry to hear you're going through this Jax. Sounds like a typical BPD meltdown.

THank you! It is hard to keep your mind straight when someone is SO mean and then blames you for being the MOST EVIL PERSON IN THE WORLD! Lol.

You are not alone Jax, there are many similarities in your story to mine. Try to shift the focus from improving her to improving yourself. Once you begin to respond differently to her, she's also likely to change. Set firm boundaries and don't deviate from them. It will probably get worse (extinction burst, painting you black) before it gets better, but if you are taking care of yourself and now have a plan, your situation may not seem that out of control. Hang in there and keep reading and posting. I know that has helped me get through these recent tough times.

I do a lot for myself. I take my time out at the gym! I am a national level physique competitor! I enjoy taking care of myself. Thus, I am on this forum trying to better myself, although this illness has nothing to do with me personally. However, I know if I stay and want happiness, I must understand her illness.

I pray and read scriptures for guidance as well. I am a former church pastor, so having a solid balance in the spirit and flesh is my foundation.

However, BPD has proven to be a very challenging!

Thank you for the input!

[Flexion]

I can see we do not suffer alone. Seems like you both are married to my wife. I can laugh because I have been dealing with this so long I just don't care anymore.

I didn't realize so many suffer!

What they are suffering from is labeled SAD, Seasonal Associative Disorder. Google it.

Lotsa labels and what it boils down to some of the time is how they were raised. Probably in a dysfucntional home.

They thrive on being stimulated just like a child throws a tantrum to get their own way. I feel like I am living with a 2 yo. LOL

Ditto! I mean, she makes faces still and mocks. Literally what a 6 yo girl would do !/b]

My W is not able to function. Can't drive, go the mall, be in crowds etc. Wasn't always that way, just now she refuses to be some one else, which she said she was   in order to cover up her insecurities.

Here is a book "Change your brain, change your Life" by Dr. Daniel Amen, where he explains some of the function of the brain and resulting behavior. Very interesting at the least. He is a shrink MD and runs a clinic in CA.

Will check this out

There seems tom be a biological reason to their behavior besides or increased by how they were raised.

Something to think about! I do know that there are NO logical thinking patters. she does as she "FEELS!"

My W refuses to admit and will not take any meds, but Amen has had great success. Read the book.  

Hope your days improve. You cannot disagree with them. There are other readings available on here that I have read using Kindle and they won't know and can help you .

Myself , I want out because after 23 years of Marr. I see no change on the horizen. Luck H2  

I'm 8 years in and absolutely thinking about leaving!

[maxsterling]

Sadly, I've been there, and done that .

I'd suggest reading the lesson on JADE.  When my wife is in that kind of violent state, I'm learning to place my safety at #1, and just LEAVE.  I don't engage in conversation, defend myself with words, argue back, or try and calm her.  I just LEAVE.  And when she brings it up and tries to pass blame at a later time, I just don't participate in the conversation. 

Violence like this is extremely difficult to deal with.  Do you have a counselor or therapy just for yourself?  Do you have a safety plan, such as making sure you have a bag packed in your car, a known place you can go, and making sure your car is not blocked in? 

[babyducks]

Hi Jax,

I am going to suggest that you take this episode seriously.   

I like what maxsterling mentioned.  Do you have a safety plan?   A place to go?  A bag in the car?  Domestic violence, physical abuse and physical intimidation can have dangerous repercussions.   Take a visit to the legal board and read some of the stories there.

Icthelight had some good questions and some good suggestions.   

What is your plan for your safety and the safety of your son?   How are you taking care of yourself?   

'ducks

[Flexion]

Hi Jax,

I am going to suggest that you take this episode seriously.  

I like what maxsterling mentioned.  :)o you have a safety plan?   A place to go?  A bag in the car?  :)omestic violence, physical abuse and physical intimidation can have dangerous repercussions.   Take a visit to the legal board and read some of the stories there.

Icthelight had some good questions and some good suggestions.    

What is your plan for your safety and the safety of your son?   How are you taking care of yourself?  

'ducks

Thanks for the input. I do have an escape plan... .LEAVE! Lol

I was trying to leave with my son at the time she stood in the doorway and was punching me. In fact, I was already headed out to take my son for a walk, as we do many weekend mornings, before any argument started. She will NOT let me leave with him.  I told her and she understood I was not just trying to leave, but I had already planned to go on this walk 2 hours before.

I have never seen such rage in any one's eyes. My wife is a VERY beautiful 32 yo. to see such anger and rage made her look so evil. I never though I'd think of her that way. . To most, she is such a "sweet heart!" Ha... .ha ... .hahaahahaha.

oh, meant to add this. I do a lot for myself, including physical, mental and spiritual. . I exercise regularly. In fact, I compete nationally in the NPC men's physique division.  This gives me a focus and a goal that keeps me busy. I am a former church pastor, so much of this is prayed about and released. However, had I not found this site, I would have ended my marriage.  I want to do my best at trying for her but I also ask myself "do I want to do this the rest of my life?"