Trying to do the right thing

[cabrita]

My daughter-in-law recently lashed out at me in an email that ripped my heart out.  The email was allegedly from my son, but it is absolutely clear that she is the one who wrote it.  The entire content is about her and blames me up one side and down the other for everything.  Their marriage is a struggle right now, my son is drinking too much, she is pregnant and very over weight.  My son has not been a good communicator so I know very little about how he feels, she on the other hand has confided everything in me.  Next thing I know I get an email "from my son" blaming me for interfering in their lives, not helping his pregnant wife, etc. etc, it was extremely mean and is one lie after another. The email came about because whenever she feels someone (usually me) has done her wrong (meaning we haven't done things the way she wants them done) she holds my granddaughter hostage: this is the fourth time.  I asked my son to explain what was going on and the next thing I got was the 3 page killer email.

My sister was diagnosed BPD + NPD, I know what it's like to walk on egg shells.  The eventual answer with her was 1)she became a ward of the State of Texas and 2) we had to completely ignore her, block her emails, phone calls, etc.  I can't do this with my son.  I fear he has been completely poisoned by his wife, or he too may have some personality disorder, I don't know because there is no more communication.  My husband facilitated me seeing the 3 year old granddaughter the other day, but he too recognizes, as does the whole family, what a problem my daughter in law is and how she is polluting our family.  No one though has been victimized as I have.  In fact she continues to try to insert a wedge between my and my other children and their spouses: we all see it, fortunately they will not be part of it... .I am at wits end about what to do.  "Wits end" is mild, I'm 65 and I'm physically sick over this.  After all the horrible years with my sister I swore it would never happen in my family and have done all I can to keep us together without forcing the issue... .just making sure everyone is included, that we vacation together whenever possible, that we communicate, etc.  Until this happened none of us had ANY idea she felt this way.  It hit me like a hammer and now that I am forced to take a closer look, I see BPD written all over it.  I'm willing to do whatever it takes: I'm making an appointment with a therapist, keeping lines of communication open and have asked that we all sit down together... .so far to no avail.  I've so much about BPD over the years but still feel lost in the strangling web.  I guess I feel better just being able to send this out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[understandnow]

Cabrita, I could have written this post.  I am in the same predicament.  I am the same age and everything.  Trying the same as you.  I have been the target of my Dil attacks, all distorted.  My son is so enmeshed with her and I know there is a "Stockholm" syndrome there.  Both of them have many and almost all of the BPD traits.  My story is so twisted and long as all of us dealing with BPD people understand.  My Dil has painted me and my whole family black for years and told us we could no longer see her kids.  That was a year ago and my son would sneak them over till he finally had a meltdown over a perceived slight on his part.  I told him I was sorry and would always be there if he needed to talk.  He told me he hated us all and proceeded to unfriend his whole family on Facebook.  I'm talking about his extended family also cousins ect.  That was 2 months ago.  My grandchildren 6, 2 and almost one have not been seen.  All because I didn't invite him to an impromptu dinner while he was working?  I've vasilated between anger and "maybe I should try to make the first step towards reconciliation.  Don't know what to do.  I did leave it open for him to communicate.  Did I forget to mention, he needed a second car after his car died and is driving around with our car? 

Please know we are in the same boat and I want to do what is right also.  I am a peacemaker and a non compliant person.  I am trying to focus on my three other lovely children and my one granddaughter this Christmas and to enjoy the people that love me and want to be around me.  I will miss my son and his family this Christmas Eve, but will have 25-30 family members who want to be with me.

Best of luck to you to find peace within yourself.  I am almost there.

[thefixermom]

Hi Cabrita,  you have been through so much with your sister and now this.  How was your relationship with your son before he married? Do you think that even though he likely did not write the email, that he gave his okay for it? Is he basically a passive guy who rolls over?  Is that what's behind his drinking, too?  Avoidance? I hear you when you say you will do whatever it takes and I see that you have done an enormous amount of actions to back those words.  Sometimes "what it takes" is for us to accept and stop fixing.  Seeing a therapist is an excellent move.  I hope it is a therapist skilled with navigating BPD waters. I'm grateful that the rest of your family does not allow themselves to be pulled into the web.  And I know with a grandchild, it's heartbreaking to the extreme.  :)id the daughter in law pull you in by sharing confidences she should not have shared and then use them against you in a triangulation sense with your son?  You may not have deciding powers when it comes to your son and grandchild being cut off from you. It could happen despite all your efforts... .or it could happen because of your efforts. I learned the hard way that the more I tried, the worse things got. I made the mistake of getting too close, and then giving feedback and then having my words twisted into an alternate reality that made no sense to me but there was nothing I could do and finally, after heavy losses emotionally, financially, physically, I detached to save the peace in my home and remaining family.  I got to where I no longer reacted emotionally and kept a loving detachment. It's always fascinated me that the one who seems to love and want to help the BPD the most is the one who gets targeted.

[understandnow]

You gave some good advice thefixermom.  That is true the more you help the worst it gets.  I am going through the process of loving attachment.  Almost there but not totally. 

This board has been so helpful to me. 

Cabrita best to you.  Read everything you can on the right side.  You have learned so much from your sister and hope that you can find the answers you are looking for.  We all are here for you.

[thefixermom]

Best wishes to you, understandnow.      I practiced loving detachment for awhile even though in my head I was still reacting silently. Then, one day, the detachment was real and I didn't have to practice or act it any more. It was such a relief.

[understandnow]

 I think I'm going in the right direction.  nothing worse than mourning the little boy you loved with all your heart.  I never gave up on him during his childhood and beyond and this is what I have to let go of.  He was always a difficult child, but I did my job the best I could and always tried to use logical consequences.  My husband and I always were a good example to him then and now.   the only problem is the logical consequences are affecting my beautiful grandchildren.  Dfs are involved and I need to trust in the system.  He was adopted as an infant and has attachment issues.  That's why the loving detachment has been so hard for me.

[thefixermom]

It's true... .even when we find ourselves on the best possible road, it is still a very difficult road at times.

You and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers.