Any advice is appreciated...I really need help

[Kimbo]

My daughter will be 18 on January 17th.  She is supposed to graduate in May.  She was diagnosed with BPD about 3  yrs ago.  In that amount of time she has destroyed every friendship she has ever had except one.  I was friends with most of those girls' mothers, therefore I have lost most of my friends.  She quit a very successful competitive cheerleading team cold turkey (she was actually competing on 2 teams, at 2 different levels, accelerating very quickly and was very talented and well liked) after 3 years. She has become inactive and overweight.  She was caught giving a boy oral sex AT SCHOOL at a parent attended event with her father in the auditorium next door.  She was suspended and completed 50 hours of community service.  She has cut herself.  She has driven her older brother to threaten suicide just this Christmas vacation, his first home from his freshman year of college.  She manipulates, she pouts, she stays in her room for days on end.  She has moments of being absolutely delightful, forthcoming, happy, (gleeful actually) - all usually when she wants something.  She does not drive.  I have to take her to school and pick her up daily which leaves me no time for my schedule because she has a shortened senior schedule - meaning there is no bus service for her and we do not live where she can walk to school.  Her schedule changes daily and weekly so it is impossible for me to make appointments, etc. unless I make them after I am sure I've gotten her from school.  She and her brother were extremely close and suddenly she decided to turn his best friend (who is a girl) against him, befriend her and he is left reeling and not even sure what happened or how.  He is devastated, hence the talk of suicide.

My biggest problem is I feel we had it under control for a while but all of the sudden BPD is rearing its ugly head again and now it seems worse because she is supposed to be applying to colleges and awaiting the answers and she is doing none of that.  She will be limited because of her grades, and I do not see how she can go anywhere but to a community college or something like that, which is fine... .BUT she needs to live on her own, drive, get a job, etc.  I'm so afraid she will never be able to do that.  Will she?   She is medicated on a small dose of an antidepressant and does say that it helps but that is all that she will admit to.  She had a great "life coach" but he lost her trust.  He felt she was the most manipulative of any person with BPD he had seen.  I cannot even get her to admit she has a problem let alone get her to another therapist.

I've had the worst holiday season of my life.  I have spent most of it crying.  Also hiding everything from family and friends so as not to be a burden during the holidays.  My son is going back to college early to get away from her. =(  I'm taking a few days away at the end of this week, which always helps, but I have to come right back and face it.  Most teachers don't understand it.  Family members advise "tell her to get a license and get a job!"  All the instincts don't work.  I know I enable her.  Her dad enables her.  My poor son has done nothing but defend her and help her, include her in everything, and she ends up somehow making his best friend believe he is a terrible person and breaking up their friendship.  He has been dealing with this since they were in middle school, and my heart breaks for him.

Ok, now that I have vented and I am crying again, when she turns 18, what am I supposed to do?  How does she get a license?  Am I supposed to actually think that she is going to enroll herself in driving school and get it done herself? What about a job?  I don't understand how this gets better? My husband and I thought at this point in our life we would be traveling, going to our beach home, etc.  I am tied to her schedule until she graduates... .IF she does.  Plus we couldn't leave her here alone anyway.

BTW, my daughter is adopted, and we have no way of knowing any mental health history.

I'm sorry I know I have been all over the place.  I was trying to fit it all in.  I'm emotionally drained and lost right now.

Thanks for any advice or encouragement... .

Kim

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Wow Kim-

Your situation sounds truly overwhelming. I think with my BPDSD24 her last year of high school was the worst year I ever had with her.

It is so hard to watch our kids disintegrate in front of us. 3 years is a lot of time to watch the downward spiral. Sad to say, this will continue on- no telling how long.

First things first- you have to help yourself find a new way of coping. I think for most of us here this equals self-care. You can get stronger by taking care of yourself first. It has been said A LOT around here but it is like the advice given when you fly- if anything goes wrong put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then worry about others.

Graduation for your daughter can help your family if you have a plan in place for what will come. Your DD needs to be aware of this plan. And you need to find a way to prepare yourself for lowered expectations. We planned on college for my SD- her deceased Mom and her Dad (my husband) both had/have advanced degrees. SD barely got through high school, gave community college a brief try and was suspended for lack of academics after her third semester.

We insisted her senior year of high school that she get a job. We would not give her rides to any social events nor let her learn to drive until she got and kept a job. I taught her how to ride public transportation and as I suspected she hated it enough that our rules became a motivation for keeping her job. My husband bought her a junker after she graduated and she had to pay for the gas and chip in on her insurance or we held the keys. She manipulated and did her best to get around our rules but we kept a tracker on her phone and when she used the car for getting into trouble we knew and she got consequences. We sort of kept her on hold for a bit until she got into bigger trouble and we made her go to an IOP for drug and alcohol abuse and after that a sober living house. After the sober house we didn't allow her to move back in on the advice of her councilor at the IOP. It was good advice. She is currently doing well and lives with a family member.

I'm sure you are worried about your son. I guess if he were mine I would try my best to convince him that a girlfriend who would ignore his assets and listen to his sister is not worth holding onto and encourage him to seek out a new relationship on his campus. He will be happier for it. Your love and support will sustain him I'm sure.

I know there are definitely kids with BPD who were adopted. It makes a lot of sense. Even though you have given her your love and a family I would imagine that she feels a sense of abandonment by her birth mom/parents. Hard to argue with that... .it's a complicated situation but rather than a background of mental health issues the mere fact of her adoption might be the source of her issues.

As my SD has matured we see changes for the better. She learns most by negative experiences and we have learned the hard way that if we get out of her way she learns not to make the same mistakes much faster- with nobody to blame but herself... .she finally gets it, this really helps! I don't mean to be glib with you... .just want you to have a bit of hope for your future with your daughter.

Learn the skills over to the right of this window- validating the valid can and will help. Love her as much as you do... .just love her despite of how disruptive she can be. Despite how unlovable she is, it is the thing she needs above all else. I know you love your kids and I know how hard she is making your life... .keep coming here to read, learn, listen and vent! It can help!

Best to you for the New Year! Hang in there!

xoxo

Thursday

[VegasMom]

Kimbo - I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I understand your pain and frustration. And like Thursday said, it's important to take care of yourself first. You can't be helpful to others if you are running on an empty tank - Physically and emotionally. We went through similar circumstances with my son while he was in school. While he was stable, he was a star lacrosse player and had decent grades with college ambitions. But, he didn't remain stable for long and then the roller coaster started. And, my son was very manipulative, too. He used school to manipulate us, knowing how important it was to us that he finished high school and got a college degree. In the end, he finished high school (but had major issues along the way ... .Suspension numerous times for fighting, benched for dropping grades etc) and then got into a local college. He graduated last May ... .So there is hope! But it definitely wasn't easy ... .Trying to get him to go to class or finish homework and study for tests was a battle if he was in one of his "moods" ... .I couldn't wait for it to be over. I thought once he graduated it would be the answer to all my prayers. It wasn't. He has yet to hold down any type of job or do anything meaningful, for that matter. And he's let this illness define him (although, he won't admit he has an illness, even though he has been diagnosed). It's going to be an uphill battle, but surround yourself with people who support you and be good to yourself. I have found over the years that I have more luck trying to reason with him when he is calmer and in a good mood - I always take those rare opportunities to talk to him about the important things. When he is "down" or agitated and raging, I don't even bother talking to him about anything of substance. It will just lead to a huge blow out and nothing will get accomplished anyway (other than getting frustrated and angry). My heart goes out to your son as well. Thankfully, he will be somewhat separated from the situation while he is away at school. I hope things work out with his friend, but if they don't ... .I am guessing he will be meeting some nice people on campus and his pain will lessen in time. My older son ended up moving out because of his brother, which helped alleviate some of the stress in his life. I am relieved that he is away from all this drama, for the sake of his well being. Well, I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts ... .You're in good company here.

[Kimbo]

Thank you Thursday and VegasMom... .I am packing my son up now as he will head back to CO tomorrow (we live in VA) 6 days earlier than we had planned.  He and I are both very upset but we both know he has to right now.  I agree that his friend wasn't much of a friend anyway if she was so easily manipulated away from him.  I am seeing the therapist tomorrow that we haven't seen in two years, thinking we had it all under control, but now with the age of 18 approaching and (possibly) graduation, there are a lot of unknowns we need to get ready for.  Right now I cannot possibly see her getting any kind of a job, let alone being on her own, having the ambition to go to any kind of school after high school, etc.  My husband and I have decided that when she turns 18 on the 17th that I will no longer drive her anywhere other than school. There will be no more nail appts, hair appts, etc.unless she earns the money (there is plenty to do around here) and that she will need to learn to drive and show that she is taking steps to apply to some sort of continuing education.  Their grandparents bought my son a new computer when he graduated high school, but have said (to us) they will not buy her one if she does not graduate or show any interest in college or vocational school or a job.  When we break all of this news to her there will be hell to pay.  Are these all valid things to expect of someone with BPD or can we expect WWIII?  I know we have to be ready to stick to it until the end.  I think I can do it, but I am not sure my husband can hold out.

I have a feeling our lives are going to get pretty rocky.  I hope and pray that I am wrong... .

[Usmcwife35]

Kimbo. ... I am so relieved after reading your post, I guess I am NOT the only.parent asking those same questions, as I have a very similar situation as you! And I'm right below you in NC.  My dBPDd17 Wil be 18 in april, and I am at a loss as to what is the best for her as I know she is not going to be even close to being responsible enough to move out and be self sufficient, drug free, surround herself with healthy friends... .etc. but I also know I have 2 other children that are younger than her and a marriage that I have to keep as healthy and chaos free too, considering they have had to see, hear and deal with so much up until now.  I feel like I have to sacrifice one for the others benefit.  But at the same time I love her and the guilt I will feel when... not if... .something terrible happens to her is overwhelming. I also am beyond stressed, so you're not alone, and I doubt we are the first to feel how we are.

((Hugs))