I told wife I want a divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

WEll, this past week been the worst week I have ever had. Literally.

Started last Thursday with petty things that escalated to my wife going physical AGAIN(last month broke finger and had to get surgery) and breaking ANOTHER finger.

This has rocked on all week with her outbursts and attacks (mostly texts). She slept on the couch most this week. I get roughly 50-`100 texts a day ranging from how it's all my fault to personal attacks and name calling.

I have been coming home in the evenings and acting like nothing is wrong. I do this so we don't fight. SHe has mentioned in those hundreds of text how that I act like out marriage is fine. I just want to have peace around me son.

Yesterday, when she got home from work, I was with a client. she texts me and accuses me of going home, smoking weed, and leaving to go out. .  I mean, crazy!

I assured her I was standing in the gym with a client training him and she could go look. Still called a liar!

When I got home, she says "can you feed our son. I said, I sure will.  I went to the room to change and she come in there. she says what about blah, blah blah. I said very nicely " whatever you want me to do, I will do! Just tell me.

I can see her irritation. She then starts to work herself up and yells out " I don't see how you come home and act like everything is ok... .IT"S NOT!"

From there, she starts yelling about every injustice every done over eight years(all the ones we've discussed 1000 times).

I try to escape into my sons room away from her verbal abuse. she comes in and I walk to the back of the room, when she says "I wanted to tell you why I'm hurt, but... ." I immediately turn around and say "Babe, I love you and sorry you are hurting." I went on to say "I do want to hear what you have to say, but I will not listen to personal attacks." Meanwhile, she is yelling over me " I hate you! I hate you! I hate YOu!

Here is my moment of weakness after she kept going at me. I said " you act just like your mother!" NOw, considering I am attacked with things you would NEVER say to your worse enemy, that is nothing. But, to her, it was the spot! I felt bad, although it is actually the truth! Her mom still calls my wife up and accuses her.  Thoughts?

so, during all of this, she is telling me how I never took responsibility for luring a 23 year old girl into a relationship with a 34 year old... old man, that has kids and an ex wife! What? . I told her my ENTIRE life story the first night we met. Well, at least the family and ex wife thing. We know this is not right of her to think, but what do you say to that? She says a bunch of educated people told her I was a loser for doing that to her! lmao

Anyhow, I lost my mind and told her I wanted a divorce. Divorce is mentioned at least twice a week from her. She beats me down with it. Constantly manipulating me by using my love for her to get her way about everything.

I am just tired of not being able to have a different perspective than my wife. Most people can debate and argue a point and let it go. However, my uBPDw get's livid if you don't 100% agree with her.

I should say I have been working at getting us into counseling. I spoke with a counselor yesterday. I  told her over months I was looking for one. We needed to wait until Jan for ins purposes(and she had no time off work) and both agreed. HOwver, due to changed in that ins, I had to start looking quicker. I told her through text that I had been talking to a psychiatrist( a good friend) about this and he referred me to a counselor. Of course, she slams me calling me a liar, along with other venomous outbursts. SO, I sent her both numbers and told her they were waiting for her call. She still called me a liar!

Should I go ahead and end the marriage  since I put that out there?

Thanks for you help!

[Flexion]

WEll, this past week been the worst week I have ever had. Literally.

Started last Thursday with petty things that escalated to my wife going physical AGAIN(last month broke finger and had to get surgery) and breaking ANOTHER finger.

This has rocked on all week with her outbursts and attacks (mostly texts). She slept on the couch most this week. I get roughly 50-`100 texts a day ranging from how it's all my fault to personal attacks and name calling.

I have been coming home in the evenings and acting like nothing is wrong. I do this so we don't fight. SHe has mentioned in those hundreds of text how that I act like out marriage is fine. I just want to have peace around me son.

Yesterday, when she got home from work, I was with a client. she texts me and accuses me of going home, smoking weed, and leaving to go out. .  I mean, crazy!

I assured her I was standing in the gym with a client training him and she could go look. Still called a liar!

When I got home, she says "can you feed our son. I said, I sure will.  I went to the room to change and she come in there. she says what about blah, blah blah. I said very nicely " whatever you want me to do, I will do! Just tell me.

I can see her irritation. She then starts to work herself up and yells out " I don't see how you come home and act like everything is ok... .IT"S NOT!"

From there, she starts yelling about every injustice every done over eight years(all the ones we've discussed 1000 times).

I try to escape into my sons room away from her verbal abuse. she comes in and I walk to the back of the room, when she says "I wanted to tell you why I'm hurt, but... ." I immediately turn around and say "Babe, I love you and sorry you are hurting." I went on to say "I do want to hear what you have to say, but I will not listen to personal attacks." Meanwhile, she is yelling over me " I hate you! I hate you! I hate YOu!

Here is my moment of weakness after she kept going at me. I said " you act just like your mother!" NOw, considering I am attacked with things you would NEVER say to your worse enemy, that is nothing. But, to her, it was the spot! I felt bad, although it is actually the truth! Her mom still calls my wife up and accuses her.  Thoughts?

so, during all of this, she is telling me how I never took responsibility for luring a 23 year old girl into a relationship with a 34 year old... old man, that has kids and an ex wife! What? . I told her my ENTIRE life story the first night we met. Well, at least the family and ex wife thing. We know this is not right of her to think, but what do you say to that? She says a bunch of educated people told her I was a loser for doing that to her! lmao

Anyhow, I lost my mind and told her I wanted a divorce. Divorce is mentioned at least twice a week from her. She beats me down with it. Constantly manipulating me by using my love for her to get her way about everything.

I am just tired of not being able to have a different perspective than my wife. Most people can debate and argue a point and let it go. However, my uBPDw get's livid if you don't 100% agree with her.

I should say I have been working at getting us into counseling. I spoke with a counselor yesterday. I  told her over months I was looking for one. We needed to wait until Jan for ins purposes(and she had no time off work) and both agreed. HOwver, due to changed in that ins, I had to start looking quicker. I told her through text that I had been talking to a psychiatrist( a good friend) about this and he referred me to a counselor. Of course, she slams me calling me a liar, along with other venomous outbursts. SO, I sent her both numbers and told her they were waiting for her call. She still called me a liar!

Should I go ahead and end the marriage  since I put that out there?

Thanks for you help!

[dacoming]

Are you sure we don't have the same wife... .Wow!  Outside of the broken finger, my scenarios are EXACTLY like this.  I'm sorry you are having to go through this.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!  I wish I knew the right answer.  I've recently threw out the divorce comment and was sure it was the thing to do.  I almost said it again this morning.  However, talking to her later and realizing how much it would hurt our son, I stayed.  Things haven't gotten any better... .one day we are getting along and out of the blue, she creates a conflict about something small and blows it up or something imaginary.

This morning she woke up while I was getting ready for work and started asking me about a couple guy friends I talk to on the phone from time to time.  I was stationed with them almost 20 years ago and recently got back in contact with them.  She was apparently upset and suspicious because I don't talk to them at home where she can see.  She found out I had talked to them by checking my calls on the phone bill and calling all the numbers.  She claimed that I told her that I never talk to anybody.  I never said that.  I told her I never talk to female friends and have never been one to talk on the phone regularly.  She talks to people I don't know all the time and nothing is wrong with it.  Anyway, she "noticed" that since she mentioned the issue of me talking to friends outside of the house before and her perception that I was always "checking my phone." I wasn't checking my phone for calls; I sometimes check the time or check to make sure my alarm is on or turn on the ADT with the phone which she always interprets as me keeping my ringer off and checking for phone calls or texts on the under.

She implied that she knows about something I've allegedly did (most likely cheating or something) but would not disclose what "evidence or proof" she has or what it even is.  I got agitated and again told her I'm not doing anything that I'm not supposed to do.  I mean I go to work and come straight home (although she says I could be cheating at lunch).  Traffic is pretty bad here but she randomly calls while I'm on the way home to "see if I'm ok because I'm late getting home."  I not late; I usually get home within a certain window unless there's an accident or something but she always claims I usually get home sooner than I actually do which leads to an argument.  She has barred me from going to Walmart and sometimes calls me at work, asking where I am at.  I'm at work, what do you think!  Last week she called me at work and commented that it seems quiet.  I told her it is quiet; most people are out for the holidays and even when the office is full, it's usually fairly quiet.  She said it wasn't quiet one time she called because she heard people talking in the background.  I reminded her that I don't have my own office; I sit in a cubicle across from the copier and one of the attorneys' office so another attorney was talking with that attorney.  She made it out to look like I was chopping it up with people when it wasn't like that at all.  I feel I'm in prison!

I often feel divorce is what I need.  From a logical standpoint it is.  However, I feel I do want to make it work for the family.  Only you can answer whether you should go through with divorce but understand, you are not alone. I struggle with this daily.  I'm sure others on here feel the same way.  You have to weigh the good and bad and see where the balance is. 

[startrekuser]

I have similar issues with my wife.  Isn't the internet great!  We can share war stories and not feel totally alone.  My wife doesn't want me to talk to my brother b/c she's convinced he wants us to get divorced (the way she treats me and the rest of my family, I wouldn't blame him).  There have been issues when I defended him and not her, so there are issues, but she has blown them out of proportion on the scale of a nuclear bomb.  About six months ago, I told her I want to have a relationship with him and said I would just talk with him on the phone.  She agreed.  Now all of a sudden she blew up about "I don't know what" and asked me if I'm going to have a relationship with him.  I said yes and she completely blew up.  I'm getting the silent treatment, cold shoulder, she's not doing stuff for me at home, like laundry.  She sends me emails saying that I'm a liar and I'm weak and I'm not a man of my word, etc.  I'm moving closer to the "looking to end the relationship" column.  In the past I agreed to not have a relationship with him and she's bringing up all the emails where I said I wouldn't.  The fact is that I was bullied into agreeing with her and I regret it big time.

[dacoming]

The fact is that I was bullied into agreeing with her and I regret it big time.

I have the family issues too and once told her I felt she was trying to isolate me from my family by turning me against them.  As you can guess, that didn't go over well... .I get bullied into agreeing on things too.  Sometimes I go along because doing the opposite always leads to drama.  I feel I've lost who I am in this marriage and may be falling into a depression.  I feel like Tina Turner dealing with the abuse in the movie, What's Love Got to do With it.  While crying, she said she wants to leave but just can't walk out.  Eventually she did... .

[Fian]

This is the staying board, so the counsel here is on how to remain in a relationship.  If you want to leave or are undecided, I recommend checking out the other boards.  My 2 cents on this:

1.  Forget about marriage couple's therapy.  What you personally need is therapy to help you set boundaries and figure out how to sift through all that is coming your way.  MC is fine too, but you aren't the patient in MC.

2.  Do not agree to cut yourself off from friends or family.  pwBPD tend to isolate the non from others, which makes you weaker, and is a recipe for depression.  Insist on having full relationships with family and friends.  If you made promises in the past, tell them that you have changed your mind, and think it was a mistake to agree to it.  Regular agreements are not contracts.  If there was a quid pro quo, they have a right to back out of their end of the agreement.  If not, by you notifying them, they can adjust accordingly.  Yes, they will blow up, but stand firm.  You need family and friends.

[dacoming]

This is the staying board, so the counsel here is on how to remain in a relationship.  If you want to leave or are undecided, I recommend checking out the other boards.  My 2 cents on this:

1.  Forget about marriage couple's therapy.  What you personally need is therapy to help you set boundaries and figure out how to sift through all that is coming your way.  MC is fine too, but you aren't the patient in MC.

2.  Do not agree to cut yourself off from friends or family.  pwBPD tend to isolate the non from others, which makes you weaker, and is a recipe for depression.  Insist on having full relationships with family and friends.  If you made promises in the past, tell them that you have changed your mind, and think it was a mistake to agree to it.  Regular agreements are not contracts.  If there was a quid pro quo, they have a right to back out of their end of the agreement.  If not, by you notifying them, they can adjust accordingly.  Yes, they will blow up, but stand firm.  You need family and friends.

Great advice!