Me again

[Eyeamme]

It has now been almost 2 months NC with my uBPD daughter and grandsons. When I first went NC everything and anything made me cry when I thought about my grandsons. Now I feel completely numb as if I don't even know them. I do not miss my daughter because it is such a relief not having her verbal abuse. Is it typical to go numb? Makes me feel like an awful grandmother. I love these boys more than anything.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

I have used the term "emotionally dead" to describe how I have felt. I think numb would be the same as emotionally dead.

You are not a bad mom for feeling this way. How much are we supposed to take? It's not that you don't love your daughter, you do. You just cannot take the abuse anymore and you do not need to. Christmas is coming, she will be back. As soon as she figures out the crisis she needs your support for she will be in touch.

[mimi99]

I would imagine that numbness is a part of the grieving process. Because you ARE grieving. You're grieving the loss of your daughter, the relationship you had hoped for with her, and your grandchildren.

Sometimes I feel like a hard, uncaring person because I feel so detached from my d now. There are times when I get weepy thinking or talking about her, but for the most part I feel dislike, disdain and disgust. I love her and feel great sadness that she will never be well, but I don't like her at all. She has chosen a man over her own daughter and left me holding the bag.

The numbness will probably make way for new feelings, and sometimes many different ones at once. I think you said you were seeing a therapist, I found that helpful as well. Perhaps not as helpful as the folks on this site, though. Everyone here has been amazing and I think it has saved my sanity at times.

[Eyeamme]

Mimi99 and AVR1962,

I am so grateful for both of you. I am grieving. I am seeing a therapist. I am reading. I hate BPD. It has stolen parts of my heart.

Thanks both of you!

[mimi99]

Yes! It is a horrible disorder that not only steals our children, grandchildren, and dreams for them. It actrually rips out parts of our hearts and leaves us bereft, feeling guilt and shame, struggling to figure out what we did wrong and what we can do to fix it. I hate it, too