Introduction

[Wounded Knight]

Hello everyone, I'm here because I don't know what to do in my situation. I have been through so much pain and I'm doing everything I can to heal.

I met my wife on an online role playing game and flew to another country to meet her almost 10 years ago. She told me about how terrible her ex was and how he was cruel and abusive to her. She seemed so nice to me that I couldn't imagine anyone doing that to her, she deserved better and I would be her knight in shining armor. I was 18 at the time and very shy, this was the bravest thing I had ever done up to that point in my life. She is 9 years older than me and had two children who were 3 years old at the time. I had a return ticket to go back after a couple of months but I didn't go back. I had grown so attached to the kids who started calling me daddy not long after meeting me. We went to talk to a lawyer to see what options I had to stay in the country and since I was so young and had no work skills yet he told us we should get married, so we did. I never proposed, we were married within months of meeting in person for the first time. She was my first girlfriend, first kiss, first everything. I didn't see any red flags like her telling me she loved me so much that she wanted to tie me up in her closet so that I would always be with her.

The years that followed were filled with constant drama and crises, medical emergencies, chronic pain, drug abuse, talk of suicide and cheating. I had no sense of self and I allowed her to manipulate me. I ended up adopting her children since her ex didn't want to be in the picture (she left him). We also had two of our own children together. Our youngest has social issues which wasn't surprising to me given my own but my wife was determined that she was autistic. Our youngest has spirit, she wants to be heard and doesn't want to be pushed around which made her hard for my wife to control like the other children. When she couldn't handle the tantrums she would put her in a dark room all by herself in a crib and just let her cry and scream. I did nothing to stop it and I let her discipline the kids in unhealthy ways through me.

When my wife and I took her to see a pediatric specialist and the Dr. told us "this child definitely does not have autism". My wife cried the whole way home and it was a long drive. I spoke with a therapist about it and he said that it sounds like my wife has BPD. That was the first time I ever heard of it, I knew that there had to be something that wasn't quite right but I never knew what. I would convince myself that I just wasn't trying hard enough with the relationship in the past. I tried to get her to see a therapist but she always had an excuse to not go.

I convinced myself that there was nothing I could do to help her and I left her about 7 months ago. It has been hell, there has been so much fighting and she has been using the kids to hurt me. In the last two months I reached a breaking point, I couldn't handle all the fighting. I just wanted peaceful co-parenting but it just wasn't happening. I went to see a pastor at our church (I'm not a religious person but my wife is so we would go sometimes) and he gave me a book on forgiveness and told me that he would be there for me whether I decided to get back together with her or not, but he strongly recommended working on the marriage, it would be better for the kids. We have been doing marriage counseling with him since then and she has been seeing a therapist who diagnosed her with "maybe BPD or PTSD" according to her.

Communication between us has been much better but she still tries to control me with guilt. I haven't been having the kids on weekends like I did before, I just go visit them at the house. My wife says it "feels like a punishment" when she doesn't get to be there with them. I feel so guilty and sad when my kids cry and tell me they want me to move back home. I want my wife to be better and I want to be a family but it is so hard to deal with her. I feel like I'm stuck on the fence and can't make a decision. When I think about going through with the divorce I feel hopeless because of how threatening she was to me before including threats to sabotage future relationships. When I think about moving back in with her I feel like I'm only doing it to make the kids feel better. I don't know if I really love her or if I ever loved her. I know that I have never felt love for her anything near what I feel for my children.

Sorry that got much longer than I intended, thanks for reading if you stuck through it.

[juniorswailing]

Not much I can say to that other than, welcome aboard.

My story is pale but comparison but everyone's story is painful to them.

Take comfort posting here, I did, and listen to the advise of those with more experience.

It does help.

[Turkish]

Hello Wounded Knight,

I'd like to join juniorswailing in welcoming you.

It sounds like you're seperated, but with no legal decree regarding custody. How old are all of the kids?

I seperated fairly amicably from my Ex, but I heard for almost two years from the kids about them desiring her to come back. Then my son (3 at seperation, now almost 6) about me being at Mommy's apartment, or asking if she could come to our home. I validated his feelngs the best I could. Do you have an idea about a legal custody arrangement? It sounds like she is calling the shots, but you have parental rights, too.

It sounds like you are stuck in limbo, however. Whether together or apart, you still have a relationship with her. Communication, together ot apart being a co-patent, is key. Perhaps these resources can help:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Shared Parenting 

Turkish

[Wounded Knight]

Thank you for the welcome juniorswailing and Turkish.

We are indeed separated at the moment but not legally separated. I tried to get her to sign divorce papers but after months of negotiation we still hadn't got anywhere. Her twins that I adopted are 12 and my two children are 6 and 3. We tried a few different arrangements with time for the kids over the past few months, it has been hard being away from my kids so much and I miss going home to them every night. I have been trying to get on the same page with her for co-parenting but it has been challenging. She views any time she has to be away from the kids as a punishment to her. I will take a look at those links, thanks.

[Turkish]

This can be tricky in a number of ways. First, it's not your job to rescue her emotionally. We talk here about validation, and it does place a bit of a job on us to naviagate around a person who often can't control their emotions. However, it's a fine line between validating and enablng. Second, the kids for sure aren't responsible for her emotions: not when she gets angry, nor as comforting presences to sooth her or make her feel good. When the pattern goes on, it can be damaging to the kids. Fight for nothing less than joint custody. Your calm presence, even half the time, can do more to help the kds than 50% looks on paper.

[Wounded Knight]

I have been working through the staying or leaving lessons here over the past month. I really wish we could just be a family but it seems unlikely that she will get better. She only sees a counselor once every 4 to 6 weeks and there is no group therapy with it since we don't live in a big city with good resources available. She has improved her anger issues and now she will follow through on some things instead of giving up when things get hard. From what I read though it seems that if I was to stay in the marriage I will basically be with someone at the emotional level of a child and I will continue to be an object to her.

Recently we had a big issue arise out of nothing, which is fairly typical. I had plans to go see a movie with a friend of mine which was well known to my wife. I also wanted to see it with my kids but they wanted their mom to go too and my friend doesn't even want to be in the same room with her. The night before I left to go see it she tells me "Your daughter is so upset that you are going to go see the movie with your friend first, she doesn't feel important but is afraid to talk to you."

So I talk with my daughter and she tells me that she was disappointed and I explained that I didn't know that it was important to see it first but she is very important to me. She seemed fine. My wife talks to me separately later and tells me that my daughter is still very upset and won't talk to me about it.

So the next day I'm debating whether to even see the movie because I was so upset and frustrated about the whole thing. Is my daughter really afraid to tell me how she feels? Or is it my wife making a mountain out of a mole hill? I arrived at my mom's house and my wife calls her a bit later and says how upset she is about this whole thing and she hates how much I hurt the children and she just doesn't know what to do. My friend later came over to my mom's house and tells me that he supported me either way even though he really wanted to see the movie but he was glad we could hang out since we don't see each other too often (we live in different cities). I eventually decided to go with him and talk to my daughter again when I got back.

I get back and talk to my daughter the next day. She didn't seem the least bit upset... .All of that stress on me for nothing. I told her that if I knew she wanted to see it first then we could have done it but I only found out that she wanted to right before I was leaving. She told me at that point that she didn't even know I had plans to go until right before I left... .

I could have avoided this whole mess if I just talked to her directly about it but it didn't even occur to me that someone might be upset that we didn't see a movie together for the first time. So frustrating.

Seems dumb to get upset over something so little, at least my wife isn't violent.

[forestfortrees]

It is incredibly difficult to be in your shoes - and no one really understands completely. Please realize that you are not alone on your island.

It is so hard to discern reality from fiction when everything can be elevated to an intense emotional state. Keep reading and going to counseling, if they can help. It can be really discouraging when results aren't immediate, or only the surface issues appear to be addressed.

It is good that you can communicate and bond with your kids. They need you, so see the good in yourself in those little things.