Filed for Divorce

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After several months of back and fourth I'm done and filed for divorce. I'm over the chaos, drama and what feels like a circus show. My husband has done everything from turning on the water works one minute to saying he doesn't "think" he wants to be married the other minute to changing back to "we have a deep connection and need to "think" about what we are doing". He floats in and out of the silent treatment for weeks on end and then charges a huge amount on the credit card or makes changes to something that will alert me so I will reach out and ask whats going on. Our last convo was over 4 weeks ago and I decided that was our last one and decided to go no contact. He of course didn't realize it as he was to busy giving me the silent treatment to noticed I stopped even trying to communicate anymore. He realizes it now since he has called and text because a server tried to serve him. Im sticking to no contact.

So here is the kick. I had two servers at different times go to his work and wait for him. One was able to get up on the floor he works on but the receptionist said he doesn't work there and then asked what it was he was delivering, to which the server said why do you need to know if he doesn't work here. Asked her for he full contact name and she got really nervous. Server said it was clear to him she was lying. The second server wasn't allowed up on the floor at all. The next day they try to serve him at his residence and someone else answers and says he moved out 3 weeks prior and gives a disconnected story about how he may or may not know him. Processor said it was someone he planted there... Why? My lawyer has contacted him numerous times via phone and email now but its clear he is evading service and will not respond to any communication left for him.

Is this common with BPD? I know he thinks he's above it all because he is npd as well but why won't he just take the damn papers so we can move forward? This isn't going to help him in court at all. He clearly doesn't want to be married, he hasn't come home in 3 months including the holidays, he goes silent for weeks on end, told me he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore (only after I said I'm done, we need to go our separate ways and divorce to which he cried, and told me how wonderful I am blah blah blah, I said i can't do this anymore and then he switched over to saying he wanted to do it amicably and we can take our time with it we don't have to rush anything) and the last time we did speak he offered me the house and told me to think about and he'd be in touch. Thats when I went NC and 4 weeks later am trying to serve him.

Why is he evading? And why go to the lengths he is going too? He hasn't moved and he does work there it was confirmed. What other fun things can I anticipate? And please tell me I'm doing the right think with no contact. I don't want to be manipulated anymore. I have found out so many lies and deceit these past few months that I have no clue who the heck I married and I just want to divide our assets etc and move on. I'm tired of the drama and chaos. This is one circus show I don't want tickets too. Anyone else have anything like this happen to them?

[knowledgeseeker]

After several months of back and fourth I'm done and filed for divorce. I'm over the chaos, drama and what feels like a circus show. My husband has done everything from turning on the water works one minute to saying he doesn't "think" he wants to be married the other minute to changing back to "we have a deep connection and need to "think" about what we are doing". He floats in and out of the silent treatment for weeks on end and then charges a huge amount on the credit card or makes changes to something that will alert me so I will reach out and ask whats going on. Our last convo was over 4 weeks ago and I decided that was our last one and decided to go no contact. He of course didn't realize it as he was to busy giving me the silent treatment to noticed I stopped even trying to communicate anymore. He realizes it now since he has called and text because a server tried to serve him. Im sticking to no contact.

So here is the kick. I had two servers at different times go to his work and wait for him. One was able to get up on the floor he works on but the receptionist said he doesn't work there and then asked what it was he was delivering, to which the server said why do you need to know if he doesn't work here. Asked her for he full contact name and she got really nervous. Server said it was clear to him she was lying. The second server wasn't allowed up on the floor at all. The next day they try to serve him at his residence and someone else answers and says he moved out 3 weeks prior and gives a disconnected story about how he may or may not know him. Processor said it was someone he planted there... Why? My lawyer has contacted him numerous times via phone and email now but its clear he is evading service and will not respond to any communication left for him.

Is this common with BPD? I know he thinks he's above it all because he is npd as well but why won't he just take the damn papers so we can move forward? This isn't going to help him in court at all. He clearly doesn't want to be married, he hasn't come home in 3 months including the holidays, he goes silent for weeks on end, told me he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore (only after I said I'm done, we need to go our separate ways and divorce to which he cried, and told me how wonderful I am blah blah blah, I said i can't do this anymore and then he switched over to saying he wanted to do it amicably and we can take our time with it we don't have to rush anything) and the last time we did speak he offered me the house and told me to think about and he'd be in touch. Thats when I went NC and 4 weeks later am trying to serve him.

Why is he evading? And why go to the lengths he is going too? He hasn't moved and he does work there it was confirmed. What other fun things can I anticipate? And please tell me I'm doing the right think with no contact. I don't want to be manipulated anymore. I have found out so many lies and deceit these past few months that I have no clue who the heck I married and I just want to divide our assets etc and move on. I'm tired of the drama and chaos. This is one circus show I don't want tickets too. Anyone else have anything like this happen to them?

[ForeverDad]

A perspective I've seen here:  Negative engagement is, afterall, still engagement.

No, don't change your Boundaries.  Let the lawyer handle it.  Give them a photo, maybe they can wait outside and serve him as he approaches the building?  But from what you've already described, he's likely to refuse to take the papers and keep walking.  However, maybe that is legally sufficient for the servers to document multiple attempts and refusal of service?  If not enough, maybe use the court's servers (but then usually not able to pick the best times to find him) or post a notice 3 times in a local newspapers?  Or if he has had a lawyer in the past, also serve the lawyer?

Whatever happens, there is no way he can stop a divorce.  Yes, he can delay it but he can't stop it.

[livednlearned]

In some states, I believe they are allowing people to serve via Facebook. Is that a possible way to contact him?

Because of BPD, he does not have a stable self, and one of the core conditions of the disorder is impulsivity. There is a lot of lability in his moods and thoughts. He is easily triggered to emotionally dysregulate and takes a long time to return to baseline. It's an awful disorder and makes things extremely confusing and difficult for those in a relationship with them. Plus, they often lack skills to help them manage stress and interpersonal conflicts, not to mention the extreme rejection sensitivity.

He is terrified of abandonment, which I know is confusing because he is doing everything in his power to make you want to leave. Fearing the abandonment, he is hoping to avoid it using tactics that seem more fitting to a young child.

Delay tactics and stonewalling are common problems in BPD divorces, The strategies and coping mechanisms your husband used in the marriage will apply every step of the way through the divorce.

How are you doing through all of this? Weeks of silent treatment can take a serious toll.

LnL

[knowledgeseeker]

Give them a photo, maybe they can wait outside and serve him as he approaches the building?  But from what you've already described, he's likely to refuse to take the papers and keep walking.  However, maybe that is legally sufficient for the servers to document multiple attempts and refusal of service?  If not enough, maybe use the court's servers (but then usually not able to pick the best times to find him) or post a notice 3 times in a local newspapers?  Or if he has had a lawyer in the past, also serve the lawyer?

They have several photos but its a busy area and busy building. He's not responding to phone calls or emails from the lawyer either. We have a court date as well with regards to maintaining status quo as he's stop deposited money into our joint account. No word, no warning, no nothing.

I don't understand his thought process. None of what he has done in the last couple of months has made any sense to me or our families. It's like he's spinning out of control and is just doing rather than thinking about what the impact of any of his actions will be. This is over the top dysregulated and the message he left me was all nice and wanting to touch base and see how things are going... .he knows how things are going I'm trying to serve him and he's evading... .frustrating not understanding his thought process or reasoning for behaving this way. I get he doesn't process the same as me, but he's just hurting his family as a result of this behavior and ultimately himself when he finally does get before the judge.

[david]

I was served in the parking lot of my place of employment years ago. It wasn't the divorce but, I can't remember what, it was from my stbxw. The guy drove up to my car as I was getting in and tossed papers at me saying I was served ? I just stood there and didn't do anything. He stopped and got out and apologized. He said he was paid to do exactly what he did. He even said he thought my stbx was not right in the head.

[knowledgeseeker]

In some states, I believe they are allowing people to serve via Facebook. Is that a possible way to contact him?

He is terrified of abandonment, which I know is confusing because he is doing everything in his power to make you want to leave. Fearing the abandonment, he is hoping to avoid it using tactics that seem more fitting to a young child.

Delay tactics and stonewalling are common problems in BPD divorces, The strategies and coping mechanisms your husband used in the marriage will apply every step of the way through the divorce.

How are you doing through all of this? Weeks of silent treatment can take a serious toll.

LnL

He isn't on Facebook. He has no friends... .which should have been a red flag to me.

I've gone through a range of emotions over the last couple of months. Wondering what I did to have him suddenly shut me out like a switch was flipped and he just checked out, to feeling rejected, to sad, to thinking I missed him to finally realizing there was no more drama or chaos with the silence. I've gone thru the mourning process, my therapist has helped me a ton. We have been working on understanding how I may have attracted him or been drawn to him which has been good. I have had time to focus on myself and start doing the things I enjoyed prior to us being a couple. I finally have the peace that I wanted and need to embrace it and ignore the drama he's creating now with trying to serve him. And stick to No Contact. Which is hard because I want to tell him to knock it off, but that pointless. He's always done what he wants to do with little regard for anyone else.

When I reflect on the past year this is how I feel:

At first he drove our relationship off the road, it was bent but not broken entirely at that point. I was just coping with the rage episodes and trying to just keep things calm and not set him off in anyway. Loosing myself in the process. Then he had an accident and a stressful event with his job and I started traveling for my biz (he would tell me I don't need him anymore) and all of a sudden a switch was flipped and he just checked out, decided he wasn't coming home anymore and went silent. I was willing to stick by him at that point if he got therapy. But his actions over the last couple of months coupled with the lies and deciet I've uncovered drove us off a cliff. I feel like I'm the only one that survived the accident and its time to file the claim (divorce) and settle the matter so I can move on and never look back. He's caused so much pain for our family. Our kids do not understand why he is behaving this way and I have no explanation for them as I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It is what it is. We have a ton of family support and a great family therapist and I have a great lawyer how specializes in high conflict. I just wish he'd knock it off and let the process be the process. If he didn't want this he shouldn't have driven us off the cliff... .has he not found a new supply source, is that why he's doing this or does he feel abandoned or is it control he wants back hence the evading? I have no idea, I just want it over with.

[knowledgeseeker]

@david

If he had a car it would be easier... .he doesn't.

For someone that thrives on conflict as he does, or creates it when its absent, I don't understand why he's hiding.

[ForeverDad]

You may have to let the judge decide whether service was accomplished, incomplete or obstructed?  If so, let the judge get peeved.  His poor secretary, his bosses may become unhappy when they find out that he put his secretary in the middle and hid behind her.  Have the servers tried going to his HR department?  It is very doubtful they will be pleased with his avoidance.

He's caused so much pain for our family. Our kids do not understand why he is behaving this way and I have no explanation for them as I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

No children together?  Is he separately caring for his child and you separately caring for your child?  I just want to make sure there are no custody issues and that you can unwind the marriage without dealing with custody or parenting issues complicating the case.  If you are currently caring for his child while he is working out of state, that makes it a little complicated, perhaps a surprise understatement of the year.  Unless you adopted his child or he adopted your child, then his is his and yours is yours.

Are you asking for spousal support during the divorce case?  You've been married 8 years which is a medium length marriage.  If you are granted interim support then you might get it retroactive back to the date of filing.

Do you currently work?  If not, then you may be more likely to get some short term alimony after the divorce is final.  These days alimony is generally considered to just help the disadvantaged spouse transition out of the marriage and into a separate life.  You might even get some additional money to help you get job placement, career training or a two year degree.

One concern I have is that he'll use the accident to excuse all his behaviors.  (Hey, don't tell him that, don't give him ideas!)  You may need to document to the court that his behavior patterns precede the recent accident.

Accept that his issues don't make sense.  That's what mental health means, normal makes sense, distorted perceptions and repeated misbehaviors don't make sense.  It can be taught in classes, written up in textbooks, described in lists of traits, even predicted to a certain extent but... .it still won't make every day common sense.

[knowledgeseeker]

@ForeverDad

The servers did not try HR. I really don't want to get him in trouble at work. My lawyer has emailed him and called him several times over the last few days telling him she can have the server meet him where he'd like. No response. As far as the receptionist, I'm shocked he got anyone at work involved as work is more important than anything to him. He told me recently its the only thing he can control... .

No children together, but one of his does live with me (along with my child) and is pretty upset about this. The parenting of both of his kids was always left up to me. After the attempted service he reached out to his daughter (hadn't talked to her in over a month) and he's starting to create his own story but is being very cryptic with her. She's old enough to decide what she wants to do and knows our relationship isn't dependent on me being with her father and I will be here for her always. She's got a good head on her shoulders and is pretty direct about her feelings to him. As of now she wants to continue to stay with me. His all or nothing thinking and need to win will make it difficult for her I'm afraid. He manipulated her during his first divorce to the point where she has always felt responsible for making sure her dad is okay, while simultaneously bullying her mother and ruining that mother/daughter relationship. I will continue to encourage her to have a relationship with her father. Just as I encourage her to have a relationship with her bio mom whom I'm friends with.

Yes to spousal support. I had a successful career and made more money then he did when we got married. Owned my own home etc. He took a job cross country. I was hesitant to quit my job, we went back and fourth seeing each other for 7 months as I was nervous to quit my job and give up my home and move my child. Listen to your gut people!

He never wanted me to go back into the workforce once he got me away from home. I have a hobby business but its not profitable yet as its only been up and running for barely a year. I already got a jump on a worker retraining program thru the college and enrolled for winter quarter classes to help bring me back up to speed in my previous industry (its been over 6 years since I left and a lot has changed in that time) so I can re-enter at hopefully a decent pay rather than having to start at the bottom again.

The first three months of this were hell, but I feel like I'm finally turning the corner emotionally and finding myself again. Thanks to great friends, family and therapy! I know this too shall pass and that every experience is a learning experience. There are things I will take forward with me from this relationship and things I prefer to leave behind and forget. My biggest challenge will be trusting again.

[ForeverDad]

She's old enough to decide what she wants to do and knows our relationship isn't dependent on me being with her father and I will be here for her always. She's got a good head on her shoulders and is pretty direct about her feelings to him. As of now she wants to continue to stay with me. His all or nothing thinking and need to win will make it difficult for her I'm afraid. He manipulated her during his first divorce to the point where she has always felt responsible for making sure her dad is okay, while simultaneously bullying her mother and ruining that mother/daughter relationship. I will continue to encourage her to have a relationship with her father. Just as I encourage her to have a relationship with her bio mom whom I'm friends with.

There are lessons and threads on Validation here.  His daughter needs Validation of her own perceptions, observations, conclusions and boundaries.  Her experience with her father has no doubt been quite invalidating at times.  For that reason don't feel guilty if you decide not to push her too much toward her father if that would tend to invalidate her own development into a capable independent woman.  (In other words, let him be responsible for mending his own fences.)  Would she do better overall if she focused more on her mother-daughter relationship for a while?  What would be healthiest for her?  What does she think and feel?

Are her parents willing for her to continue living with you and your child?  Since he has significant issues and lives some distance away, if he tries to get her back I would think her mother ought to step in and get the court to make her responsible for the parenting.  That's called "Change of Circumstances" in most courts.

One concern I have is that if he's agreeable to her continuing to live with you then he would probably think he has a right to keep intruding on your life.  If so, you would need firm boundaries and a lot of alertness not to be caught off guard and overwhelmed when he gets triggered.

We have to be careful that our otherwise-normal sense of Fairness could sometimes allow us to go overboard to the point of being too fair, too nice, too helpful, too whatever.  Yes, he has issues.  And yes, we want to help where we can.  But we need to remember that sometimes our help just Enables the other person shift even more work and problems onto us.

[knowledgeseeker]

There are lessons and threads on Validation here.  His daughter needs Validation of her ow perceptions, observations, conclusions and boundaries.  Her experience with her father has no doubt been quite invalidating at times.  For that reason don't feel guilty if you decide not to push her too much toward her father if that would tend to invalidate her own development into a capable independent woman.  (In other words, let him be responsible for mending his own fences.)  Would she do better overall if she focused more on her mother-daughter relationship for a while?  What would be healthiest for her?  What does she think and feel?

Are her parents willing for her to continue living with you and your child?  Since he has significant issues and lives some distance away, if he tries to get her back I would think her mother ought to step in and get the court to make her responsible for the parenting.  That's called "Change of Circumstances" in most courts.

You are right on the validation for his daughter. She's starting counseling next week at her request, which I think is great. She is still in contact with her bio mom, and I'm hoping some healing can take place there as her father did a lot of damage to that relationship with manipulation and lies. Good advice to let him mend his own fences. Right now she feels betrayed by him as she doesn't understand his actions and the fact that she feels like he blew apart the family by checking out and refusing to come home and now the latest which caused me to file.

Stability and a sense of home and family, feel compromised to her right now and she's upset with him for that. She doesn't understand why he says one thing and does another. I hate that I ended up filing but she understands why and knows I'm not going anywhere. Counseling will help and mending the relationship with her mom I think will be important for her moving forward and knowing that all the people that love her will continue to love her regardless of the divorce. Her mother and I are on the same page and she is fine with whatever she decides to do with regards to living arrangements. His daughter is old enough to decide where she wants to live without court assistance, as she is in her first year of college. As a result he doesn't have to be agreeable to her choice. She can see him whenever she wants without involving me.

As for my son, he doesn't understand why his step dad checked out but is a mellow kid and rolls with the punches. He's not thrilled about moving. He has never had a close relationship with his step dad because my husband never tried to have one. My son never cared for the high conflict behavior because he's so mellow that family trips or time spent together was always more stressful for him then he thought it was worth. As a result he's just stayed clear of him over the last several years. The last two family vacations we took were a disaster as my husband had rage episodes in front of the kids. I hope I didn't screw my kid up by staying to long in this relationship. He's such a great kid that I want him to one day be in a healthy relationship and not look back on this one and think all relationships are like that so why bother.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I have a friend who is in the early stages of the divorce proceedings from an obvious (to us) BPDw.  She dodged and excused and hid as though it was death himself at the door.  After the months of circus acts, she finally got served but then slipped in a section of their local law in her response stating they were reconciling - and that kicked in an automatic 6 month suspension of the proceedings. 

I guess denial is good medicine for BPD.  It give us more time to doubt our decision, and more time for them to charm.

Sorry you have to go through this.  Stay the course once you know you're on the right one!

[Panda39]

@ForeverDad

The servers did not try HR. I really don't want to get him in trouble at work.

I work in Human Resources. Where I work we frequently have process servers come to our office.  We ask the employee to come up to HR give the process server and the employee an office so the employee is privately served.  Having a process server go to HR should not get your stbx in trouble at work.

I think it's worth a try.

Panda39

[knowledgeseeker]

Thank you everyone for your feedback and support! I think my lawyers daily emails and calls finally clicked for him.Or actually seeing the documents she emailed him and realizing action was required or there would be consequences. Either way he hired an attorney today. After a week of him evading service, I can't tell you the relief this news brought me. I never thought I'd ever say that... .I'm relieved its underway... .I'm relieved I'm getting divorced. Wow.

3 plus months ago I would never have imagined I would be getting divorced or that I would have the courage to set the ultimate boundary and be the one that filed let alone feel relieved. This has been such a journey for me in such a short period of time. I honestly feel like in a way he did me a favor by checking out and going silent when he did. It gave me the space to step back and reflect on our relationship and realize why he is the way he is and that there is nothing I can do to change it or fix it. I was there for him at his best and there for him at his absolute worst and the worst was more than the best and it took a toll on me. I lost myself in this relationship, he sucked me dry emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was just going through the motions day to day in a fog. I'm awake now, I'm healthy, back to the things I enjoy and working on healing. Having a great therapist helps! I know our kids will get through it with a good support system in place and be healthier in the end. Sure I get sad, scared etc. The new future scares the hell out of me, as change does for anyone. I'm not kidding myself that this process isn't going to have bumps and conflict along the way but at the end of it I will be free of the chaos and drama created by someone that isn't willing to or isn't capable of taking care of their emotional well being. All I can do now is let go and focus on myself and my family. This board has been so helpful! Thank you for listening and helping me make sense out of something I could never make sense of before.

[ForeverDad]

I think just about everyone here has had near panic attacks with our minds and thoughts racing in circles at various times and stages in our cases.  However, many of them turned out to have been resolved in one way or another before the sky started falling, as yours did.  The mountains sometimes do turn out to be molehills.

And I bet you were dumbfounded how your lawyer took it all in stride, just another week at the office.  It's partly that they've "been there, done that".  Also partly it's their job, they're not emotionally vested in the outcome and it's not a huge paradigm shift in life for them as it is for you.

[knowledgeseeker]

I think just about everyone here has had near panic attacks with our minds and thoughts racing in circles at various times and stages in our cases.  However, many of them turned out to have been resolved in one way or another before the sky started falling, as yours did.  The mountains sometimes do turn out to be molehills.

And I bet you were dumbfounded how your lawyer took it all in stride, just another week at the office.  It's partly that they've "been there, done that".  Also partly it's their job, they're not emotionally vested in the outcome and it's not a huge paradigm shift in life for them as it is for you.

Thank you ForeverDad! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for molehills! My lawyer is amazing and doesn't break stride. She said that regardless of how he behaves and what games he plays the outcome will be the same in the end, all he's doing is making himself look like an ass and untrustworthy to the court. Only time will tell. If we can resolve the temporary order before the court date we go to court. She told me to count on it based on his behavior so far. If that the case I hope he will not attend with his lawyer. I don't want to see him. I know the anxiety will all start back up at the mere sight of him. I'm hoping he still thinks he's too important to not be at work (the same company they didn't know who he was when trying to serve him) as he has said they can't allow him to leave over the last couple of months, and he's the only one that can fix things for the company. I hope that importances prevents him from attending the hearing!