Bpd parent with a toddler

[Kayleigh2188]

Hi all.

I'm new to this site so looking to find people that are in a similar situation. I believe my partner of 4 years has undiagnosed BPD. Just on the stages of getting my partner to see the doctor with a bit of persuasion.our relationship is very up and down. My main issue though is how this must b effecting our 2 year old daughter as at times when he is in a rage our daughter now tries to stand in the middle and even when my partner tries to cuddle me she pushes him away from me. Just seek comfort from other people to see how they are/ have handled children and dad with BPD.thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Kayleigh2188 &

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this stress, but very happy that you've found us! There are many parents having to deal with a BPD Significant Other, and I hope that they will hop in and give you their insights and advice, based on their own experiences. We do want to help 

One thing I tried to do with my own (now grown up) children, was to model for them a good, steady emotional demeanor in order to balance out their Dad's BPD-type behaviors. I did provide a calm, rational and warm presence, and I do believe it helped them a lot in their growing up. I didn't know about BPD in those days (a long time ago!), but I did know that they needed my example to follow and count on.

I think that finding this site, reading the threads, and checking out the links to the right-hand side of this page (and all the Articles and Workshops you can find), will help you with this issue... .I'm so glad you're here, Kayleigh2188!

[Silveron]

Kayleigh2188,

  Been married 11.5 years to my BPD wife.  We have a 7 year old daughter.  At first things were really good between my wife and daughter.  My wife would do the normal BPD stuff, emotional, verbal and physical abuse.  She went off on me about 2 months after our daughter was born.  My little girl could never goto sleep while my wife was holding her, but when I took her she fell right asleep.  One night, my wife went off on me telling me how 'awful' of a dad I was and how she wished I wasn't the father.

  Anyway, years later.  My wife is hot/cold with my little girl.  She goes from one extreme to another, from being sweet, nice and buying her everything she wants (which I disagree with) to becoming verbally abusive when she 'gets to be too much' from my wife words.

  What this has caused in my daughter is a lot of anxiety.  She has trouble going to the bathroom, she constantly asks me what is wrong with mommy.  She has a fear of her losing her mother, since my wife constantly threatens to leave.  It's affecting her schoolwork.

  My daughter is also starting to act out towards me, doing the same things she sees her mother doing to me.  I am the one that disciplines, my wife won't.  My daughter then runs to her mom, in which verbal abuse starts towards me. 

  Realize that the issues you have will only get worse.  You will be painted as the monster by your SO.  He will use your child to paint you black.  You mentioning about how your child stands between you two, she already knows something wrong is happening.  At four, my daughter wrote a note to her mom saying "Stop being mean to daddy".  It broke my heart.

  As the years went on, I have become numb to the pain that my wife can cause, however a child feels that pain.  If you stay, make very strict boundaries and stick to the consequences.  If I had to do it over again, I would have divorced my wife while my child was much younger.  She wouldn't have any of this anxiety.  Now my daughter keeps making me promise not to divorce mom, she is that filled with anxiety.