why why why did I answer the phone tonight?

[OutOfGas]

My 32 year old "child" with diagnosed BPD called tonight. I knew I should not have answered the phone and I'm not sure why I did. There is no way that I am even remotely hopeful that we could have a calm conversation. When I spoke to her about a week ago after one of her rage/crises, I used the J.A.D.E. technique and it worked quite well because I didn't spend any time or energy justifying, arguing, defending or explaining. I just hung up. Tonight JADE flew out the window with hello. After 35 minutes of being harangued about my bad parenting, my lack of compassion, my insulating myself in an unhealthy way (that means I have been ignoring her calls, texts etc) and going in circles about everything she sees as wrong with us as parents (even after raising 3 other kids to successful adulthood) I said bye and hung up.

All these years of love and effort I put in to mothering this difficult, oppositional child, I see that I really have nothing more to give to or say to this 32 year old adult. I really don't see any hope for us having even a casual relationship. I don't even want to try anymore. Isn't it crazy for someone who has been happily married for 49 years to want a divorce... .from their daughter? Yes, the name I gave myself when I joined this group says it all: I'm out of gas. Thank you for giving me a place to vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Outofgas,

I just wanted to say that I know how you feel.    I find that I have better success communicating with my dd when it is in text as it allows more time to think of a response. Phone calls are usually a disaster as she either goes straight to voicemail

(as she likes to screen her calls) or she will just let it ring out.(she likes to mute her calls and does this regularly)

When she does call it usually goes like this... .She will call to ask if I can have the kids... .and I MUST agree to have them (or she flies into a sulk or rage) and there the converstation ends on her part. I have learnt not to try to engage my dd in chitchat.She just isnt interested. She has an objective(me to babysit)and when it is met then thats that. I have had then phone hung up on me plenty of times if I cant meet her objective.

I also feel Iam not allowed to ask questions without dd viewing them as being intrusive. These are simple questions such as  about their health, how the weekend went etc... .without potentially triggering a rage.

It is sad  that the r/s I have with my dd is so limited but  Radical Acceptance has helped me to come to terms with the situation.

[Eyeamme]

Out of Gas,

I am the mom of a 34 uBPD daughter. I have had to walk away for now from my daughter. I just could not do it anymore. I was told I can not have contact with my 2 and 5 yo grandsons. I had to make that choice. This has torn my heart in two. For me to do this meant I could not take anymore. I was worried for my own sanity.

I can identify with you. There just comes a time that we need to decide to love ourselves as much as we love our "kids". Hang in there and be good to YOU. I am here to listen anytime.

[OutOfGas]

Js friend and Eyeamme... .Thank you so much for your responses. I wrote my post last night and have felt like the least caring mom ever since... .until I read your posts. I have never questioned the love I have for my daughter and I truly believe I am an excellent mother to all my children, but she knows what words to say that are as painful as being stabbed over and over and, after a while, I feel mortally wounded. Even though we live 1500 miles apart, she seems to be a constant presence lurking in my life... .she is the proverbial elephant in the room of my brain. It makes me sad to think of the burdens we all carry because BPD exists. No one knows, unless they've been down the BPD road, how awful it feels to climb this never ending mountain.

[thefixermom]

"No one knows, unless they've been down the BPD road, how awful it feels to climb this never ending mountain."

Well put Outofgas.   Sounds like you need a refuel! 

I'm doing better now that my relationship with DD38 is low contact, she lives far away, and I've become lovingly detached.  But I do still have a heartfelt secret twinge inside when someone will say to me, "You're such a wonderful person," or "You're the most generous person I know." ... .because the voice inside me says, "oh yeah? Just ask my daughter. She will tell you what a horrible, selfish, awful, human being I really am."