"we are in a committed relationship"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Skip, I can't bring about a TS if he is not willing. I also explained to my mom and her friend last night that a boundary is not an ultimatum.

Baby ducks, I don't know if I can recover from the deception. Last night I was reading my old threads and was reading a lot about taking space. I was trying to find the thread about how to deal with it when he said he wanted to marry me. I'll keep looking later.

Daniell85, you hit the nail on the head however in this case I think my family and their friends feel sorry for me and think I'm being taken advantage of. Part of the problem in my FOO is my mom and dad have different values. My dad doesn't have an ethical problem with the situation my mom does, however she didn't raise me with ethics so it's a bit hypocritical of her.

(I will respond to some individual quotes later.)

Thank you everyone for your responses! I'm having a really hard time right now and I really appreciate this board.

[unicorn2014]

Skip, I can't bring about a TS if he is not willing. I also explained to my mom and her friend last night that a boundary is not an ultimatum.

Baby ducks, I don't know if I can recover from the deception. Last night I was reading my old threads and was reading a lot about taking space. I was trying to find the thread about how to deal with it when he said he wanted to marry me. I'll keep looking later.

Daniell85, you hit the nail on the head however in this case I think my family and their friends feel sorry for me and think I'm being taken advantage of. Part of the problem in my FOO is my mom and dad have different values. My dad doesn't have an ethical problem with the situation my mom does, however she didn't raise me with ethics so it's a bit hypocritical of her.

(I will respond to some individual quotes later.)

Thank you everyone for your responses! I'm having a really hard time right now and I really appreciate this board.

[unicorn2014]

what path can you take moving forward, that depends only on your actions,  do you think might help with your feelings of being deceived? Ducks

I do not know at this point. I can't tell him how I feel because he has a PD. I think the fact that I have accepted  I've been deceived is huge progress for me . When people first started telling me I was being deceived I couldn't hear it but for better or worse I believe it now. I still don't think it was willful or deliberate on his part, but the effect is still the same.

[unicorn2014]

Quote from: unicorn2014 on December 24, 2015, 09:47:01 AM

I know some people think I'm engaging in BPD behaviors (push/pull etc) but I'm not. I'm struggling to come out from under the fog.

Are you speaking of how you feel - or how you are making him feel?

Skip

I hear what you are saying now and I realize he probably does feel the push/pull dynamic and that's because I can't tell him how I really feel. I can't tell him I feel deceived, I can't tell him I want to put the relationship on hold until he gets divorced. He has told me if I do that he will leave me. I have to be willing to lose the relationship if I tell him that and I'm not ready to do that yet. I also can't tell him his being married to someone else is causing conflicting feelings in me because he will probably make all kinds of excuses and attack me. I have to be ready to deal with the results if I speak my truth.

[unicorn2014]

Quote from: unicorn2014 on Yesterday at 10:02:33 AM

Turkish that is a good question as my partner wants things to be normal too and I find that kind of ironic coming from him. For starters he gets divorced, that would normalize things. Then if he and I had the same emotional experience that would be great.

skip wrote

Normal? I'm not sure that is the word. Are you meaning uncomplicated?

No, I'm meaning healthy as defined in the article on healthy relationships. I think that would be an issue for the personal inventory board.

[patientandclear]

Unicorn, it seems to me a key question for you at this point is whether, if your partner fixes the divorce situation now, you are willing and able to forgive the past deception and move forward.

All he can do at this point is fix it as quickly as possible. He can't change history.

I can understand why the deception is so hard for you to swallow. Especially when it was ongoing this fall with the implausible stories he was producing to fend off your questions.

But--if you are ultimately going to forgive him, you want not to shred the goodwill between you on the way there. On the other hand, if you are not ultimately able to forgive him, making him go through a trial/test now (taking concrete steps toward divorce) seems beside the point.

I would assume that question will need some time and, ideally, support from a therapist of your own. (I know there are resource issues about therapy.)

[unicorn2014]

patient and clear, I am in DBT and I do have access to an individual therapist for myself. What I was saying is I can't pay for a therapist to supervise a TS that he doesn't want to do. I really appreciate your post and your contributions.

[Skip]

patient and clear, I am in DBT and I do have access to an individual therapist for myself. What I was saying is I can't pay for a therapist to supervise a TS that he doesn't want to do. I really appreciate your post and your contributions.

Not complicated. Don't call it trial separation. Call it relationship rehabilitation.  When each of you talk privately with the psychologist, you tell the psychologist what you want and let him deal with your _______ (formerly known as Prince)  

I suspect your boyfriend would be glad to pay for some sessions if it would resolve some of e conflict.

I realize he probably does feel the push/pull dynamic and that's because I can't tell him how I really feel. I can't tell him I feel deceived, I can't tell him I want to put the relationship on hold until he gets divorced. He has told me if I do that he will leave me. I have to be willing to lose the relationship if I tell him that and I'm not ready to do that yet. I also can't tell him his being married to someone else is causing conflicting feelings in me because he will probably make all kinds of excuses and attack me. I have to be ready to deal with the results if I speak my truth.

Isn't this what you found repulsive about his deception. He didn't tell you the truth because he didn't want to suffer the possible risk of consequences - so he lied to you.  

If was bad when he did it.

How is it when you do it?

This is toxic stuff, unicorn2014.

You both are trying at some level, but there is a lot of dysfunction in the way you deal with each other - he was handing it very poorly - now you are too.

Its good that he is talking to an attorney, but the way you too interface with each other is steadily deteriorating.

[unicorn2014]

Skip I hear what you are saying and I was able to tell him today that I wasn't happy with the way things were.

I'm not going to ask him to pay for a psychologist. I'm trying to the best of my ability to follow patient and clear's advice to compartmentalize my resentments until Tuesday when my ____________ (and that's an appropriate way to denote him at this point  ) talks to the attorney again. In the meantime I have emailed my sponsor and asked her for help with these resentments as they are over my head.

My __________ really wants to be involved in my life right now in a way that he can't be and its frustrating to me that he thinks like this.

I had a thread on the staying board that dealt with what to do when he talked about wanting to be married to me at this point in time, that is prior to his divorce. I think some one might have said I could end the conversation at that point. If I find that quote I may pull it and review it again in a new thread as I think the original thread is locked.