Wife struggling as primary caregiver of teenager with BPD traits

[NGU 1999]

Don't know how to help.   I'm not allowed to offer suggestions or comments

Wife is about to have breakdown and child does not want my help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi NGU 1999,

Welcome and hello  I'm sorry for what brought you here but glad you found the site and are reaching out.

It sounds like your wife is overwhelmed by the strain of caring for a child with BPD -- what happens when you make suggestions or offer comments?

Is your child diagnosed and/or in treatment of any kind?

We're here to walk with you. You're not alone.



LnL

[NGU 1999]

She was diagnosed with severe axiety and depression.  She has been on all kinds of meds but nothing helps. In the last year we have taken her to the emergency room for suicidal comments and self harm.  Cutting.  Now she is going thru cymbalta withdrawals. Something is going to break real soon


As for my comments.   My child says that I don't help when I try to open discussions and my wife states that I don't understand because I'm not with her everyday all day long.  I am the financial provider

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry to hear she's experiencing suicidal ideation and cutting  :'( That has to break your heart.

Have you read BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre? The second edition is especially helpful with recent research that I found very enlightening. I do remember in one section he says if you learn nothing else from the book, let it be validation. Are you familiar with validation skills? Another essential book when raising a teen with BPD traits is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better. This book helped me take my validation skills to a whole new level and I saw some real transformations in my son, especially using the validating questions with him.

It sounds like your daughter is home alone with mom during the day? Is she being homeschooled?

[NGU 1999]

Yes she is homeschooled.   The axiety started at school and I think something happened that she will not admit.

BPD is a new possibility for us.   Therapist are hesitant to diagnose BPD


I am just starting to research BPD and plan on further reading.  Thanks for the suggested book

[livednlearned]

Aguirre talks about the reluctance to diagnose BPD in adolescence in his book.

Dialectical behavior therapy can be effective for BPD and anxiety/depression, and validation works across diagnoses too. It sounds like you are listening to your intuition and reaching out to stabilize as best you can, even if the experts are not willing to commit to a BPD diagnosis.

My son was diagnosed with anxiety/depression at age 9, as well as ADHD/ADD combined type and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). His dad is uBPD/bipolar and I figured whatever diagnosis they throw our way, many of the therapeutic skills and treatments for BPD will work.

Your wife may need a lot of validation, too, if she is teetering on a nervous breakdown. Is she getting any support from a therapist?

[NGU 1999]

She has tried but daughter won't let her leave.   Severe separation anxiety. She is terrified that something will happen to her and if my wife insists my daughter starts with the " I hate you  you don't care you're a terrible mother and so on" I'm sure many parents  have heard the same thing

[livednlearned]

That's quite a burden for your wife to carry on her shoulders, feeling that she must stay home to soothe D.

My son's therapist and psychiatrist know how much anxiety my son has (who also claims he doesn't like people), and both therapist and psychiatrist have told me it is essential that I do not let my son's anxiety dictate his life or mine. I have been an enabler in the past, accommodating S14 and trying to help him by giving into his anxieties and fears. Changing that behavior has led to positive outcomes for both of us, although we are not totally in the clear.

Allowing our child's mental illness to weaken our own emotional resilience can indeed lead to a nervous breakdown. You're in a tough spot because your wife has to make this call herself. I hope that it doesn't take a full blown breakdown before she sees how serious her own well-being is.

[NGU 1999]

The fear is that she will try to hurt herself or hold deep resentment which she said she would.  I do believe something has to change just not sure of the right time and situation. Thanks for your support and suggestions

[SoSoSoTired]

Your daughter needs to be assessed and treated for her severe anxiety.  Although an emergency room is not the appropriate place to seek long term mental health care, the staff can help you in a mental health emergency.  If your daughter experiences an increase in anxiety where she can't  allow her mom to leave her sight, that's a mental health emergency. She may need to be admitted.  This would provide temporary respite for your wife and open the door for other community mental health services which your wife and daughter need.   

[SoSoSoTired]

You need to use code words to get her admitted.  This is the most important one:

-She said, "I am going to kill myself."

Here are others:

-threats to others

-self neglect

-delusional thinking

-hallucinations

- My wife and I cannot take her home. We feel she is going to kill herself.

(I'm a retired ER nurse.)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NGU 1999]

She was diagnosed with social phobia.   She has been in patient but they put her into groups which she is tarrified of.   The key words have been used but after a short stay they let her leave.   


She is tarrified of hospitals.   When she was young she had Lyme meningitis and almost died from the antibiotics they made her take even after she had an allergic reaction to it.


And the first trip to the emergency room (which we were told she had to go before they would  admit into in patient) a nurse told he she would restrain her to put a catheter (sp?) if she didn't pee in a cup.  She is afraid

We feel if we force her it will enhance her phobia

We are lost