Am I crazy for staying?

[izabellizima]

Hi,

I was in the detachment forum and then I moved to the working things out forum, now I am here wondering what would be the best course of action.

Hx: 23 months then a breakup. NC 21 days. Broke contact on day 22 and now we've been together 22 days.

This new chapter opens with me asking her to disclose any info that may affect my health. Did you sleep with others while we were broken up? She said no, "almost this almost that". I trusted her, three weeks later I kept feeling like she was lying, she admitted she lied. She did put me at risk.

The first two weeks I dealt with her alcoholism (has had the problem for years but kicked it in the midst of our first go-round). I tell her how much it hurts to be with her when she is really drunk because she is disconnected and mean and I tell her how mean and aloof she is when she is 100% sober and wanting alcohol.

I had to ask that she delete her dating profile four days in a row, which she did on the fourth day that I asked.

She lived with me these 22 days and is now at her mom's. She hates being at her mom's.

While she was here she did get one txt that was odd. Some guy txted her. He knew her name. He was still txting her the second day and she was txting back. Said she was trying to figure out who he was. I called the number from my cell and he acted strange and didn't believe I was her. He sent her a txt asking if she had really just called him. She said she doesn't remember giving her number to a guy.

She is very guarded of her phone and when I asked to see the txts they had exchanged she was very hesitant.

I am usually very trusting and never do this in relationships, but this girl makes me feel so uneasy. Being with her is fun and she is sweet and smart etc... .  The trust is worn thin.

Am I being an idiot for staying with someone who is acting like this?

She refuses to talk about the work we have to do to be better companions. She outright refuses any more couples' counseling. She was diagnosed BPD years ago and has graduated DBT, but she is 21 and was fired by her therapist over a year ago.

I perk up when she calls and we both have abandonment fears. When I am alone, I feel awful... .like is she lining up the next person in case I drop her... .

Is it best to go back to breaking up and NC? If that is what my brain says, why isn't my heart on board?

[Turkish]

Is it best to go back to breaking up and NC? If that is what my brain says, why isn't my heart on board?

I feel you. My brain told me to run on the first date, and after she broke up with me the first time, our only recycle, almost a year after our first date. It may help to define your core values here. This is mostly brain stuff.

Our hearts? Often untamed, speaking another language than the brain. When our hearts and minds are seperated too much, stuggle follows, even pain. Have you seen this? It may help to start:

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

[Marshmellow]

oh Izabel... I'm so sorry to hear this, but can totally understand why you went back. It's ok and natural to feel off kilter when the same behaviors repeat over and over. It hurts worst ... at least for me... because the trauma of b4 is re-erected...

It's a real hard thing to deal with.

F you feel u need to cut it off... now... I would say give it some thought. Take a break if needed... but she is expecting you to do this...

If u can protect your health ... and hang in there... .a bit longer... she is likely to either see you do truly care, and straighten up... or sabotage the relationship. Hang in there... we all care here !

warm thoughts coming your way!

Aldactone

[izabellizima]

Is it best to go back to breaking up and NC? If that is what my brain says, why isn't my heart on board?

It may help to define your core values here. This is mostly brain stuff.


TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Thanks for the tools... .how do I define my core values? I do know if shared principles we would be okay. I think honesty is one of my biggest needs in a relationship.

How do I bring up all of these issues without her flipping her lid?

Thanks Marsh for the support and understanding, I wish I'd never broken NC and yet I can't wait for her to call me and to be with her. It may be because at least when she is calling me and is with me I know she isn't being with someone else... .lord, this is a terrible feeling.