can I let my ex with BPD see our child?

[loving mama]

hello,

was briefly talking to a mental health nurse today about my ex partner,who I split up with very recently,and she told me about personality disorders.

I went online and sure enough, it all makes sense, I recognise his abusive and destructive behaviour immediately.

it all fits: the sexual abuse, trauma and neglect as a child and now the heavy use of marijuana.

he refused to get help or even a diagnosis while i was still with him and i finally acceptede this and left.

the thing is, we have a 2 and a half year old son together and im not really sure what to do next?ofcourse i want my son to see his father and i understand that my ex has a right to see his son but his paranoid and aggresive outbursts have recently become much worse and obviously i need to protect my son from that.so far he hasnt been too bad towards our son (my ex says our son calms him down) but he is always criticising the little boy and does get very angry about other things in front of our son.also he told our boy to ' off' the other day, just before i finally left for good.

i just don't know what to do.i fear that if i dont let him see his son he might do something stupid, like abduct my son or harm me or him.

thank you in advance for any help or support you might be able to give

[steve195915]

hello,

was briefly talking to a mental health nurse today about my ex partner,who I split up with very recently,and she told me about personality disorders.

I went online and sure enough, it all makes sense, I recognise his abusive and destructive behaviour immediately.

it all fits: the sexual abuse, trauma and neglect as a child and now the heavy use of marijuana.

he refused to get help or even a diagnosis while i was still with him and i finally acceptede this and left.

the thing is, we have a 2 and a half year old son together and im not really sure what to do next?ofcourse i want my son to see his father and i understand that my ex has a right to see his son but his paranoid and aggresive outbursts have recently become much worse and obviously i need to protect my son from that.so far he hasnt been too bad towards our son (my ex says our son calms him down) but he is always criticising the little boy and does get very angry about other things in front of our son.also he told our boy to ' off' the other day, just before i finally left for good.

i just don't know what to do.i fear that if i dont let him see his son he might do something stupid, like abduct my son or harm me or him.

thank you in advance for any help or support you might be able to give

Just a horrible situation and you are in an extremely difficult place to be in.  If he hasn't been diagnosed officially with anything, and without any proof, anything you say bad about him will make you look like a bitter person trying to extract revenge by saying bad things about your ex partner.  If you try to prevent him from seeing his own son, you can be in serious trouble.  I understand you need to protect your son but it has to be done under the law.  I suggest keep your cool and don't do anything rash.  Also save all text messages, emails.  You can legally record phone conversations if you notify him first.  If you record phone calls without his knowledge you can get in trouble legally.  So I suggest getting him to admit things on text messages, like if he says he wants to see his son, you can say you are concerned for your son's safety because of his anger in front of your son, the pot smoking, and him saying to F off to your son was not acceptable behavior.  If he discusses this any further or doesn't deny it then at least you have some proof and his acknowledgement of his behavior.  Remember don't go off on him as that will not be a way to protect your son.  Be smart. 

[livednlearned]

Hi loving mama,

I'm sorry for what brought you here to these boards, but glad you found the site. It does sound like it's important for your child to have supervision when he's with his dad. Is that possible to arrange? How often does he see your son?

You can legally record phone conversations if you notify him first.  If you record phone calls without his knowledge you can get in trouble legally. 

This is true in some states -- you can Google two-party consent laws to see if you live in a state where that law applies. In other states, it's legal to record without consent (one-party consent).

It's a good idea to document a lot when there is a BPD co-parent involved, just in case. There does seem to be a gender tendency among members here, where BPD fathers are less involved in the day-to-day hands-on upbringing of the kids. People with BPD don't do stress well, and parenting can be stressful.

We have a section to the right on Raising Resilient Children ------> that has some helpful information and discussions among members, including good book suggestions for young children that have a parent with a mental illness.

I would also talk to an attorney -- not necessarily to retain him/her right away, but to make sure you understand how things work where you live. If you are worried about an abduction, it's important to know how the system works. For example, in my state, amber alerts only work when there is an active custody file. If I called 911, they call the county and pull up the custody file, then it goes from there.

If there is no custody file, it's possible that you won't be able to get law enforcement involved to help you track down your son since parents are legally allowed to travel with their kids.

[Turkish]

It sounds like his father is splitting your good or bad depending upon his moods. Take it from a guy who was raised by a mother with BPD (no substance abuse, thankfully), it can cause trama in the long run.

His comment about his son calming him down (which also sounds like a bit of cognotive dissonance, forgetting the times when he gets dysregulated) is telling. Children aren't responsible for their parents' feelings.

We can get angry about things they do, and we can be happy when we see them; these things are true. To a person with BPD traits, whose emotions are often uncontrollable, depending upon others to help regulate their emotions is common. You experienced this as an adult. It can be a lot more damaging to a child, who is in the process of developing their own identity and sense of themselves.

[ForeverDad]

When I first separated from my spouse, her first order of business was to block my parenting.  She was very possessive and paranoid that everyone (eventually included me) was "probably" an abuser.  It was her and preschooler against the world.  I was blacklisted and never again could I reason with her.  There was one period between orders that she blocked all father-child contact for 3 months.  Court wasn't perturbed, the magistrate who we'd dealt with months before just said, "Well, I'll fix that" and ordered me to be alternate weekend dad yet again.  No lectures for mother, no make-up time for father.

As LnL indicated it seems society is okay with dad wandering away and mothers holding their children close.  However, disordered parents, such as with BPD, are particularly difficult to deal with.  Especially if they start using the children as leverage, weapons or extensions of themselves.  As Turkish noted, children are distinct from the parents, parents should have healthy relationships with their children.  They're not crutches or excuses or the blame for a parent's issues.

Likely, as a reasonably normal person, you will not obstruct his reasonable parenting opportunities.  On the other hand, you have to be very careful that you don't try to be too fair or too nice, a pwBPD is likely to take advantage and misuse our good intentions.  Your niceness and fairness are unlikely to be consistently reciprocated.  You'll need to make sure that your good qualities aren't sabotaged and used against you.

If you weren't married then your state may default to you being in control of parenting.  You need a consultation with family law attorneys to tell you where you stand and what our options and strategies are.  In my case, I was married for some 15 years but no one, not even police, would step in to assist me "until I got a court order in hand" specifying what the ground rules, schedules, responsibilities, etc were.  Until then they told me we had "equal but unspecified" rights as parents.  In other words, without an order from family court, the Real Authority, I was powerless to make my separated spouse do anything.  Needless to say, the relationship was dysfunctional, unbalanced and doomed.