He's trying to kick me out

[Sunflower123]

So as an update my possible BPD ex?-boyfriend is now trying to kick me out of our house... and I guess the country. Things had been going better and he moved back in.  He was going to go on a trip for New Year's to visit his friend in another city.  I decided that instead of being alone for the holiday I would book a trip to visit my family that I haven't seen for years in the USA.  My boyfriend was okay with this and he knew that I was planning on coming back.  Before I left he was acting very affectionate with me one day & then very cold the next.  I figured that the trip by myself would be a good thing for us.

I'm now in the USA staying with my family and things are not going so well.  It was a gamble for me to come here because unfortunately my mother is also BPD (diagnosed).  She has been having very severe episodes and I have only been visiting for a week so far.  I'm 30 and she told me I'm a disturbed child and disconnected the house phone and internet yesterday while my dad was gone to "punish me" because I "hurt her feelings".  When he got back she denied everything and told him I was "throwing tantrums" and that I said all these terrible things to her I never said   She has also treats my dad very badly and it is difficult to watch.  Although I have enjoyed seeing her (I still love her) and the rest of my family things are difficult here and I was looking forward to going back home.  My mother is very mentally ill and I had reservations about visiting even though my other family members convinced me it would be alright. 

Well horrible news for me, my ex?-boyfriend messaged me at 5am today that I need to stay with my family & I'm not welcome back at our home or the country we live in!  This was after we were talking yesterday.  He said he will personally bring me my things.  This would also be physically impossible so I don't trust him at all.  I have ignored his message and I intend to go back.  I have a return ticket and it was just meant to be a trip to visit.  I'm not even invited to stay living with my family and I don't know why he would even think I can do that.  Everything I have is in the country I currently live in.  He knows the situation with my mother.  I don't know what to do anymore  :'(   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Euler2718]

Once my exBPDgf said she wanted me to meet her family over Christmas break, so I looked into plane tickets... .by 4 pm that day she seemed to have regretted suggesting it... .I didn't buy a ticket because I didn't want to feel like an idiot later (a guy with a round trip ticket to Atlanta but no one to pick him up at the airport)... .she's GONE now, by the way... .but if she ever comes back, I don't see how I can buy a ticket anywhere. Very risky for me.

Anyway, such is their way... .changing your whole life and giving no reason (the reason is nonsense anyway)... .it's not about you, it's about him.

[Sunflower123]

I'm feeling so angry and worried right now.  He woke me up at 5am my time with this text and I never could go back to sleep.  Since then I've just been looking for legal advice and trying to figure out what I can do.  I absolutely have to go back.  Even if I move out afterwards.  I love my family, but as I said my mother is BPD and has terrorised me for years growing up with her episodes.  I think this is part of the reason why I ended up attracting my current ex?-bf.  To give some background My family lives in a very tiny town in the midwest.  I don't have a car, phone, or anything here and it's not exactly a place where I would be able to start my life over even if they would agree to let me stay.  

I have lived in my home with my bf for 2 years and over 3 years in the other country.  I am a legal resident of this country in Europe.  Prior to that we lived together for 2 years in the USA.  I haven't lived with my parents for years and I'm finding it to be extremely difficult under the circumstances.  I feel like I definitely need to go back to the country I live in even if my bf fights with me.  It's not that I'm trying to disrespect him by not "leaving him alone", but I didn't leave with the intention of never coming back!  That is my home to me.  There is also a lot I need to do there especially if I am going to leave.  My parents' house hasn't been my home for 9 years.  I don't know what he is thinking.  Sorry if this is long and poorly written.  I'm really panicking right now thinking he's going to some how make it so I'm stuck here.  I know I can go back, but he'll probably make my life hell and I don't know which way is worse.       

It was against my better judgement to book this trip... I was worried he would do something like this.  I just thought it would be a good thing to give us both some time to ourselves.  He promised I could come back, but I should have known better.    

[Notwendy]

I am a legal resident of this country in Europe.

If this is the case, then you don't need your bf to give you permission to return to your country ( if you were not a resident, you would not have your own reasons to be there)  although he could decide to not see you or love with you. Do you have a job in this country? Friends?

One option would be to use your ticket, return, stay with friends and continue your life there. Whether or not to see you is up to your bf. Once settled ,you could arrange to get your things. If it is too volatile, a friend may be willing to come with you or do it for you.

I know how hard it is to be "framed" by your mother and then have your father get into it. So sorry. But even if you stayed in the US, you don't have to live with them. The US is a big country!

[Sunflower123]

I'm still planning on going back to at least get my things.  I may have to ask to stay with friends or something if he is too volatile.  The problem is that in the country we live in I also technically own half of our home.  I don't even want to divide that property, it's just that I do have a right to live there.  I may have to hire a lawyer, but I really wish it wouldn't have to come to that.

He sends me texts messages now at 5am every morning and wakes me up.  I am seriously going to turn off my phone tonight so I can sleep.  Of course he refuses to call on the phone & before this he told me to I shouldn't message him until I got home.  I left him alone as he asked & he keeps messaging me now.  He texts me that if I come back he will "force me" to leave.  I am worried about this of course.  He also keeps asking when he can pack up my stuff so he can get on a plane & bring it to me himself!  How could he even think of showing up at my parents' door under these circumstances?  It is all very irrational.  I have ignored the messages so far because I don't want to say the wrong thing and escalate the situation any further.  He tells me I need to leave because "now he's happy there without me and when I'm there he's soo miserable".  Who cares that he's destroying my life for no good reason.     

Should I keep ignoring his messages or is it best to respond?  I don't want to let him bully me into staying here and kicking me out of my home.  He is making ME miserable and depressed and I'm so tired I am having a difficult time trying to spend time with my family members.

Also I had been doing freelance work there, but I have been applying to every type of job possible before I go back so I can completely support myself & have better stability on my own.      

[thefixermom]

Is it possible that he is escalating the texts because he is not hearing back from you and this is his way to scare you into connecting with him and reassuring him?  The great distance and span of time may have triggered his insecurity... .i.e. he may worry that you've met someone else, forgotten about him, etc. and in typical BPD behavior he is lashing out with a hurtful attack.  The nice thing about texts is that you can take a breath, compose yourself and then give a reply that does not reflect the incredulous reaction that you initially experience when receiving a text like that.  Right now, the objective (it seems to me) would be to calm him down so I wonder about saying something acknowledging his texts and saying "I miss you. I know this is very hard. Please hang in there I will be back home soon. I wish I were there with you now."  Or whatever you think would relax him till you can get back home and deal with things in person. I hope you can get back in the here and now with your family. That is so important so that you don't find yourself back in Europe with more regrets.  That's why I would do whatever I could to calm the BF.