Closure

[knowledgeseeker]

I'm doing as well as I can do in general with the divorce process. I have my moments where I feel angry, sad and confused by all that has transpired in such a short period of timing after being with my husband for over 9 years.

I'm having trouble with the closure part. I'm doing great with no contact. But I'm stilling having a hard time wrapping my head around the why even though I know its him not me. I think its knowing he has someone else and that he could just drop everything and turn his back on everyone for his own needs. Finding out he has been having an affair and is most likely living with her (he won't give us his address and claims he's living with friends even though he's never had any friends out entire relationship) has been a tough one to swallow. We never had any problems in that department other than him wanting to push my boundaries, but I will say I never felt like he understood what real intimacy was. Nor the difference between love and fulfillment but rather for him it was desire and having his needs met when he wanted them met and in the way he required.  So while things were more than regular in that department I actually felt unfilled because it was always about him.

I feel good about everything else going on in my life right now (divorce stress aside) and feel like I'm on the right path to peace and a new start but the "Why" and "does he even think about the damage he caused in this family or care" along with wondering if he's even the least bit stressed out or feel anything at all keep popping into my thoughts. He was always so possessive of me, does he even wondering about me? I have no desire to get into another relationship anytime soon, but I wonder if he thinks about that and feels anything. Is that wrong of me to wonder? How does one go from being possessive and wanting you be there whole life to just discarding you over night? It boggles my mind on top of the crazy lies he's putting into the court paperwork that is so easily provable.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I don't know if this analogy works or not, but, picture a venomous snake.  The snake will escape danger if it can, strike in defense, and strike to kill its prey.  Then it swallows its prey whole, and sleeps it off for a few days.  Then repeat.  It's just survival.  There is no ethical debate, no right or wrong, no thought of consequences.  Don't hate the snake, but the snake will always just be a snake.

I think some mentally ill people regress to the reptilian brain.  They manipulate, harass, ignore, escape, attack, and move to the next prey. They do whatever they must.  Then they repeat.

This thought might not offer closure, but, maybe some insight.   Don't hate your ex. He will always be as he is.

[knowledgeseeker]

Don't hate your ex. He will always be as he is.

I don't hate him. I just don't understand him and I actually feel bad and sad for him. He will never have fulfillment in life if he keeps running and starting over rather than dealing with himself.  Taking care of your emotional well being is a powerful thing. Not caring for ones emotional well being is like walking around with a broken leg and ignoring it. Can't do it forever can you... .or can you when you have a mental illness?

[ForeverDad]

It is what it is.  No matter how much you try to learn, to gain communication skills, empathize, guide, whatever, in the final analysis it is the other's life, the choices are up to the other.  Their moods, perceptions, impulses and triggers are what rule their lives.  Illogical?  Yes.  Does the mental illness make sense?  No.  It can be described in textbooks, patterns detected, many reactions and overreactions predicted, but it still won't make sense.

As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Once you wrap your head around that concept and accept that, like most of us, you won't get closure from the other person, then you can take the big leap and perceive that the only life you can be sure to impact positively is your own.  Gift yourself Closure.

[ladylee]

I can relate, and nine years is a lot of time to lose in one's life to come to the realization that you are replacable. I am in that place. I trying to find closure on my own after leaving a nine years marriage that was destroying my mental and physical health but I stopped sleeping with him. I'm not sure if he already had someone but he may have been lining then up. I found a friend's post on Facebook after I moved and served him. Shortly after that he restricted my view.  I could never do these things to a dog, never-ending a spouse just to "hook up" to use his terminology. But he is driven by his needs, I know that now, and he will go down because of those needs probably. But I hope not for his own sake. I do care for him. It's sad to be that sick. I am focusing on doing things to feel better myself to stop obsessing about the negativity. I want to understand why I made a blind commitment again to a disturbed individual who could not trust me in nine years when I proved every day I was devoted so I do not repeat patterns in any relationship, romantic or otherwise.