sritz
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1
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« on: January 24, 2016, 11:37:20 PM » |
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My adult daughter (21) returned home 2 days ago from Hawaii, where she was living in sub standard conditions with her "boyfriend" of 2 years. He remained in Hawaii, but will be joining her soon. Where they will rejoin, I do not know... .either here in WA or where they met in Alaska. She is abusing various substances, most obviously alcohol and pot. She has told me that her boyfriend has had problems with heroin abuse, but she is helping him through that.
Her father, who I have had no contact with for 3 years, and have been divorced for 12 years;(I believe he has NPD) , emailed me the day she arrived telling me that he heard from his employees that my daughter's boyfriend is a big heroin drug dealer up in Alaska. (Her father owns a bakery). His sister, my ex-sister-in-law contacted me that same day (I had not communicated with her since our divorce 12 years ago), telling me that my daughter was an addict. I actually had a fairly descent conversation with her, acknowledging her concern about my daughter and agreeing to stay in contact for my daughter's interest. Is this insane? I think it sounds really insane! If I can, may I please back up a bit... .I have been struggling with my daughter for years.
Her High school years were turbulent, her father and I were in various parenting disputes and child support issues resulting in court battles. I would try to be reasonable only to get in some crazy nitpicking conflict. My daughter began risky sexual behaviors when she was 14. She began purging when she was 15 or 16. She no longer wanted to go to her dad in her Junior year, and I, believing that we needed to proceed with legal protocol, had her go to a therapist to then communicate with the assistance of her therapist to her dad her reasons for not wanting to follow the parenting plan... .that did not work out in her favor and she told me she would just live with the parenting plan; although she did refuse to follow it the last 3 months of her senior year.
At that point she was smoking pot, and sneaking out of my house so it was not pleasant in my house either. I attempted to set limits but already her behavior was out of control. I was happy to send her off to college. She went away for a year (was out of communication with her father at various times) and returned after her freshman year and remained in my home instead of returning to school. She worked as a busboy in a local restaurant, where she met a year younger boy, who had many issues, and began dating him. When she tried to break up with him, he would say he would commit suicide. Finally she did break up with him, but already she had broken all the limits I had set for her, so she was not living at my home, but was back with her father. I thought that if she could go "woof" which means work on an organic farm some place, she could reconnect with her love of nature and get grounded.
I helped her set up a place for her to go work in Costa Rica; however her father convinced her that going to be a nanny of a distant relative of his up in Alaska would be best. She ended up in Alaska being a nanny for 4 children who were home schooled with a very conservative fundamental curriculum to follow. It was at this time (2 years ago that she met her now boyfriend).
My daughter's behavior is very erratic. She has at least 7 of the 9 traits of a BPD; so far she is not suicidal; at least that is my experience. I have asked her during her High School years, but she always told me that was not what she was thinking. I must admit that this past summer when she was visiting I lost my temper. I had so wanted her to get into therapy, I had not yet discovered what "label" of mental illness she fit, but I knew something was off and terribly wrong. I got very angry and pleaded with her to get help. Of course that backfired... .she went off to Hawaii and could not keep a job, called at various times drunk and unhappy with her boyfriend, but always went back to her dysfunctional lifestyle.
Finally last week, after I attended an intensive Family Connections class for people who have a loved one who is BPD (my 18 year old son came with me, since he is very concerned about his sister... .for those of you who know about NPD parents, he is the "golden child" and he really is very grounded), I learned about various issues about helping someone with BPD.
Today, after 2 days of my daughter being home, she opened my computer and there was an email her father sent me, telling me that our daughter is and addict, that her boyfriend is an addict... .not great things but bottom line he is concerned about her and wants me to help. She reads this and thinks I am writing this email to her father... .she storms out of the house, yelling various things... .I run out, saying "I didn't write that, I got it from your father"... .she continues walking away... .I get in car and as angry as I was this summer this time I am sad, as sad as I have ever been, crying, sobbing... .catching up with her and telling her "It wasn't me, I am so scared for you, I am so worried."
Now she stops, she also is crying, telling me I am the one she loves the most, that she is okay, that I do not need to worry. I tell her that I am worried about drugs, she says that her boyfriend is an addict but she is helping him, that she does not do those drugs... .anyway, I am a mess.
She continues to her friend's house, tells me she will be home later, that she loves me and she does not know what her father is so concerned about, that he is making things up. She texts me later and says she is sorry, that I am an amazing mom, that she doesn't like when I cry like that. That I am too sweet to be crying like that (Did I say I was a mess?)
So here finally is my question... .(I apologize for taking so long) I think maybe I should use this sadness to my advantage... .I think perhaps I should tell my daughter that the way I see things is this... .I can see getting a phone call in the next few months to a few years... .there are 3 ways this phone call can be. The best one is that it is my daughter saying she wants help, that she does not want to live like this; the other option is that it is some institution (a hospital, a jail) telling me that my daughter is in trouble (overdose, suicide attempt, incarceration) the third one is that she is dead. The way I cried today will be the way I will cry for the last two telephone options; the only way I won't cry is the first one. Even as I write this, I know the answer... .she has to make the choice to get better. It is not about me. This really sucks!
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