I want to go NC with my daughter

[donnab]

I guess I'd like to speak to any other parents who have faced this situation. I have been so ill with my daughter and the impact having her in my life is having on me, the constant craziness, the nastiness and chaos. I'm struggling with feelings of guilt of how a mother can turn her back on her ill child who is struggling but how can I live a life like this? and when I'm not in contact with her how much better I feel before the guilt and anxiety sets in

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

Donnab,

I have gone nc from my daughter. She was being very abusive and something in me snapped. I have taken it for 34 years. I do feel awful but I am staying busy. I tell myself that maybe someday we can have a relationship BUT on new terms. My daughter also banned me from my grandkids which is cruel to them and me. She has cut out her father, her inlaws, her brother, and most her other relationships. Her husband will only be able to stand it so long. I don't know how long their marriage can last.

I believe until I am not her punching bag and she at least tries to get help (she doesn't think anything is wrong with HER only me) I am afraid I can not allow her to treat me this way anymore. I finally have come to the conclusion that at 57 years old I am entitled to a drama free life. You are too.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

I did have to turn my back on a loved one,  after getting them through rehab, kept them out of jail, provided everything.  Let my own business go from 400k cash profit to negative 40k and being jobless.  I had to just tell them to leave.  Actually thought they would see the light, but nop,  this is a hard illness, and love is equally hard.  So I will never be able to have contact again.  So I know the idea is a hard one to contemplate.  At least life is manageable, and I have actually started to rebuild.  Plus I've found so many people who need love and appreciate me.

[Eyeamme]

I am glad.

[lbjnltx]

Isn't going NC with  our child something of a last resort after all other efforts have failed?

My inability to maintain contact due to emotional pain is directly related to a deficit in my skills levels.

Emotional protection being paramount... .boundaries that we set and enforce consistently can keep the relationship alive while we learn and grow in other skills like communication, acceptance, wisemind, and empathy.

[Eyeamme]

It was a last resort. I had to save myself before it was too late. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

[donnab]

Isn't going NC with  our child something of a last resort after all other efforts have failed?

My inability to maintain contact due to emotional pain is directly related to a deficit in my skills levels.

Emotional protection being paramount... .boundaries that we set and enforce consistently can keep the relationship alive while we learn and grow in other skills like communication, acceptance, wisemind, and empathy.

While I agree it certainly is a last resort and one I never ever thought I would contemplate but I'm not sure it's a deficit in skills. It is far too exhausting all of the energy it takes to maintain this relationship all of those skills you list are just ways to stay in a relationship that is abusive and minimise the impact. And over a decade the toll is immeasurable.

When I have got to the point of thinking the only way out of this nightmare is suicide (mine or hers) then it might be time to think the unthinkable. And while it is uncomfortable I cannot deny my spirit and crush down the thought I don't want this in my life. There has to be a limit and I think I have reached mine

[lbjnltx]

I was speaking for myself... .and only myself. 

If you have done all you can then you've done all you can.  Each of us have our limits and they differ from one to the next.

I hold myself to the standards I would like to see in my daughter... .Never give up.  She's been asking me to give up on her since she was 12  years old.  She is now 19.  Trust me, there have been multiple times I thought I just couldn't do it anymore and then I learned how to keep going and be a model of the level of skills that I was asking her to achieve.  It was easier for me to learn and change than it is for her so I had no excuse to not try.

I don't always succeed and neither does she, the important part is that we both keep trying.  I protect myself from "abuse" with my boundaries that I am committed to enforcing and over time (not much) she learned not to cross those boundaries.  The less she pushed against them the better our relationship became.

Good luck to you donnab

[twojaybirds]

I am unsure if this is NC but there are certainly times I opt not to respond to my DD.   When she texts with drama, trying to pull  me in I do not respond.

Over time the pattern is she will then wait a day or two and give me a gushy text or a "I have a question for you text"

I again may respond that day or wait based upon my needs and where I believe she is at.

Within a week I will respond with a simple... .Hi... how is work

or Hi just thinking about you    and by then the drama is over

so it is a temporary NC but effective for our relationship in keeping it positive and forward moving

[Eyeamme]

That is awesome you found something that "works". It is like a juggling act. Unfortunately it isn't up to me. I have to just wait and see.

[donnab]

I am unsure if this is NC but there are certainly times I opt not to respond to my DD.   When she texts with drama, trying to pull  me in I do not respond.

Over time the pattern is she will then wait a day or two and give me a gushy text or a "I have a question for you text"

I again may respond that day or wait based upon my needs and where I believe she is at.

Within a week I will respond with a simple... .Hi... how is work

or Hi just thinking about you    and by then the drama is over

so it is a temporary NC but effective for our relationship in keeping it positive and forward moving

I think this is probably where I will get to as I can't imagine I won't have any contact with her. But she is constantly drawing me into her drama, involving people in my life with her distorted view of the world, sending debt collectors to our house, calling me when she is dysregulated, putting me down as her emergency contact so the staff at her housing are calling me asking where she is when she goes missing. We are bringing up her daughter, I have given up my hopes and dreams for my future/present, and still it's not enough.

I've been not contacting her for the last week, well Tuesday was the last time we had any contact and it wasn't pleasant, and then on Saturday the familiar messages started coming through, pleasant, telling me how good things are going and saying all the things she knows I would want to hear - she's going to the doctors finally this week. And now I think it's all manipulation. And I just know even if she is about to get more stable for the coming period that at some point the craziness will begin again and then it takes everything from me

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi donnab

I can only speak for myself. There's been so so many times I've felt I just couldn't cope any more. I'd make lists, advantages, disadvantages, analyse, make a decision only then not be able to go through with it. Quite often it was the very small things that would take me to breaking point, once it was just a "look" thrown by BPDs.

My whole life became completely and utterly absorbed and I was physically ill and on medication for 18 months, yet this wasn't my worse time. Strangely.

We've both had breaks from one another but it wasn't verbalised. We just wouldn't call each other for a while.

Is your d constantly in contact with you?

Is there a specific d behaviour thats a problem for you?

What kind of support have you got at the moment?

What's going on?

I ask these questions not because I think you shouldn't go NC.  But we both know there are consequences of permanent NC.

Hugs to you

L

[donnab]

Hi donnab

I can only speak for myself. There's been so so many times I've felt I just couldn't cope any more. I'd make lists, advantages, disadvantages, analyse, make a decision only then not be able to go through with it. Quite often it was the very small things that would take me to breaking point, once it was just a "look" thrown by BPDs.

My whole life became completely and utterly absorbed and I was physically ill and on medication for 18 months, yet this wasn't my worse time. Strangely.

We've both had breaks from one another but it wasn't verbalised. We just wouldn't call each other for a while.

Is your d constantly in contact with you?

Is there a specific d behaviour thats a problem for you?

What kind of support have you got at the moment?

What's going on?

I ask these questions not because I think you shouldn't go NC.  But we both know there are consequences of permanent NC.

Hugs to you

L

Hi Lollypop thanks for your message. Gosh that question "Is there a specific d behaviour thats a problem for you?" is a big one! Very hard to answer! It's more a cluster of things that she does that leaves me not being able to think about anything and just increases my stress levels. One problem after another being landed on my doorstep, her messaging, calling, texting along with other people contacting me, her seesawing moods, one message saying horrid hurtful things, the next saying sorry, the next guilt inducing, the next saying she wants nothing to do with me, the next saying sorry and begging me not to leave her. It's just the craziness of it all leaves me feeling broken and so stressed.

Generally she is in constant contact with me as as a usual amount can be between 10-30 forms of communication - calls, texts, facebook msgs, that's when she's well. When things deteriorate either the tone of what she is saying changes subtly and I know something is up or she goes out of contact and that's where we were at mid December when this recent wave of craziness began. I know I need to put boundaries in place and work out what is the level of contact I'm happy with and then communicate it. But to be honest I would be happy with a phone call a couple of times a week, which is the level I have with my son. But when I do that with her the calls become about making me feel guilty and how lonely she is and how terrible her life is. I can see now this is all manipulation, guilt inducing so I stay in constant contact with her.

I have some support, my partner, my best friend and a therapist. But to be honest they are tired of me being so consumed with her it has been like this for a decade.

[Lollypop]

Hi Donnab

Wow, that's a lot of communication! No wonder you're in bits. I want to say "just stop!". But I know it's just not that easy.

This is what I've learned. When in chaos I don't always make the right decisions. I've needed some space and uneventful period to help me gain perspective and get a better overview of what's needed. I've literally wanted to book a one way ticket out, or started wishing terrible thoughts - acting like a crazy loopy woman.

We've taken control over ourselves. The cyclic chain needs to be broken. We don't always get it right and sometimes have bad days but there's been a lot of improvements. We've emotionally detached and I know this to be true because I'm not anxious like I was.

Like you we've had 10 draining years of constant problems. It never seems to end. Why? Because we chose to let it carry on. Harsh but true.

In the last 8 months we've finally changed our behaviours. we told BPDs clearly "we've changed and we're no longer stressed about you. We feel great about this. We've realised we're only responsible for ourselves - not you. It took us a while but it's great not to have that worry any more. A weights been lifted off our shoulders". Our actions have proved this to him to be true.

Somebody on the forum wrote recently that they need to worry about themselves more than we do. This Hit home for me.

I'm not responsible at all for my adult son, including his happiness. Although I do recognise he needs our emotional support but not at the expense of our own happiness.

I'm not sure this helps but hope so. Gain some strength and pause/limit the communication for a while. If necessary just tell her you're unwell and really can't deal with this at the moment. Keep off Facebook a while. Any calls from others regarding her problems tell them the same. This hopefully will give you some respite while you gain some calmness to think strategically when you're strong enough (if you're not at the moment to sense the day).

L

[Kate4queen]

I haven't seen my 24 year old BPD son in person for over 3 years or spoken to him. The last direct email conversation I had with him was about a year and a half ago? I'm not even sure. Making the decision to go no contact with him nearly broke me, but 3 years in? I think it was the best decision for all of us and saved the rest of my family from the terrible harm he was doing to all of us.

And after all his raging and screaming he's ended up getting 2 jobs, is off our payroll and doesn't go overdrawn or ask us for money. I'm okay with this, I'm at peace with it.