How can I request help on mediation?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think it's very clear to me that I need to separate from my BPD husband. Of course he hates it when I bring up even living apart. I know he is going to things very hard for me. This is also complex because we have a year old son.

I am determined that only way to live healthy again is to break away from this relationship. I do want it to happen in as good term as possible for everyone's sake.

Are there mediation services that we can seek out? Anybody have any experience? I live in Northern CA.

[hopeful2015]

I think it's very clear to me that I need to separate from my BPD husband. Of course he hates it when I bring up even living apart. I know he is going to things very hard for me. This is also complex because we have a year old son.

I am determined that only way to live healthy again is to break away from this relationship. I do want it to happen in as good term as possible for everyone's sake.

Are there mediation services that we can seek out? Anybody have any experience? I live in Northern CA.

[bravhart1]

Maybe start by visiting your local welfare office. They have the ability to get you a check for living expenses, apply for child support on your behalf and locate a rental apartment in your area. They can advise you on protecting yourself and even filing temp stay away orders while you relocate to make it easier. Best I can think of, there are a lot of services available to women out there in bad/scary relationships if you have access to internet (obviously) then you should be able to find them.

Best of luck hopeful2015!

[livednlearned]

Hi hopeful2015,

I'm sorry you're dealing with divorce issues especially with a young baby.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy? It's on Amazon and you can download it to your computer for $10 or so. Eddy is a former social worker who became a family law attorney, and he helps parents like us navigate the system. You can also visit his website: www.highconflictinstitute.com.

One of the things he talks about is the difference between high-conflict people (HCPs) and BPD. Not all people with BPD are HCP. However, all HCPs have a PD. This matters because if your ex is an HCP, you may not get very far with mediation. Is your H generally cooperative? If so, it's possible that mediation might work.

If you are planning to divorce your H, it's a good idea to gather as much information as possible before you tell him. Work out what your goals are, and then think about strategies to get there, keeping in mind the specifics of how your H's BPD expresses itself. Usually, whatever you experience in the marriage, you are likely to experience the same if not more in the divorce.

For example, my ex was very controlling of what I did with our son, but almost entirely hands off in terms of parenting our son directly. He was exactly like that in the divorce/custody. He wanted to dictate how I interacted with our son, and then seemed to not want to spend much time with him directly, even though he fought hard for time in the custody battle.

[Panda39]

If you are planning to divorce your H, it's a good idea to gather as much information as possible before you tell him. Work out what your goals are, and then think about strategies to get there, keeping in mind the specifics of how your H's BPD expresses itself. Usually, whatever you experience in the marriage, you are likely to experience the same if not more in the divorce. 

I agree with the above, work on developing your plan.  Make copies of any important documents... .car, property, birth certificates, bank statements, pay stubs, insurance information etc.  What are your joint assets?  How would you like to see them divided?  Do you need to protect sentimental/valuable items that have belonged to you from pre-marriage? Who will live where? Custody?... .

As far as Mediation I would just GOOGLE Mediation in Northern CA see what is in your area then just give them a call.  Do you think your husband would negotiate in good faith?  You might also want to consult with an attorney about what your other options are just in case. Do you want/need an attorney to represent you, even in mediation?  Do you feel that your husband might be able to bully or guilt you into giving up things you shouldn't?... .things to think about.

In my SO's case mediation was not productive his uBPDxw would agree in mediation to things and then back peddle, but every situation is different.  Just try to be prepared for as many possibilities as you can.

I also encourage you to read "Splitting... ." by Bill Eddy. You might also want to review some of the other posts on this board for other's experiences, strategies and ideas.  One thing you might want to start is keeping a journal on your husband's behaviors as documentation (keep this information well hidden), emails and texts can also be good documentation.

Don't let all of this overwhelm you just take it a step at a time and don't forget to take care of you during this stressful time.  Once you let the cat out of the bag to your husband, be sure to reach out to friends and family for support.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Sluggo]

I also encourage you to read "Splitting... ." by Bill Eddy. Y

ou might also want to review some of the other posts on this board for other's experiences, strategies and ideas.  One thing you might want to start is keeping a journal on your husband's behaviors as documentation (keep this information well hidden), emails and texts can also be good documentation.

One program I have for my cell is SMS backup and restore.  It is a free app and will back up your text messages on google drive or you can have them sent to you.   It is a lot easier to go through and print those texts in the SMS view mode. 

[hopeful2015]

Thank you very much for the responses. I will read some of the suggested materials. And try to document the behavior going forward.