Thank you for this thread. I think it's very helpful.
In what ways were you fearful (what were you fearful of)?
I was fearful of parasuicides (I managed not to be taken hostage by these but I was fearful nevertheless)
I was fearful of overdoses (which happened twice, again I didn't feel guilty though he put the entire blame on me but I felt very sad, very bad, and was fearful nevertheless)
I was fearful of suicide.
I was fearful that I would break my own boundaries and get involved in ugly arguments/fights with him about other women (his online harem, his ever-present ex-girlfriends etc).
I was fearful that I would regress and revert to my old angry and crazy days in my twenties.
I was fearful that my NPD mother - who just loves pointing at my relationship failures and my stupid decisions- would understand what was going on and cause me extra trouble - this happens whenever there is a difficult situation in my life and is so tiring. It is usually more tiring than any crisis that may occur in my life. And this time, she happened to be my neighbour as well. Argh.
I was fearful of the crazy reputation we would get in this small village - which we did.
I was fearful that his impulsive behaviours, his strange relationships to women online would extend to people we knew here and I would have to witness it one day.
In what ways did you feel obligated?
Oh this is lovely. Our entire relationship feels like a series of fait accomplis
My ex is an heroin addict. He had become recently active when he told me that he wanted to be my boyfriend and this came together with his decision to go into rehab (this wasn't a dramatic decision because he has a lot of rehab experience). Right then he also lost his job and pad. I told him that he could come and stay with me after his rehab if he wanted - to get stronger a bit. He agreed and then dropped rehab in the middle and there he was in my house in hospital pyjamas and no suboxone. This wasn't what I wanted at all. I felt obliged to accept him and he went into suboxone withdrawal in a matter of hours anyway.
I felt obligated to pay for his hospital expenses (he lost his insurance) when emergency situations arose - these extreme panic/anxiety attacks etc- as well as some very expensive medication for aches. (Our agreement was that we could live with my finances for 3 months when he would focus on recovery but because he didn't start recovery or anything - and was actually abusing prescribed drugs- this turned into an obligation in my head and I was resentful after the first month.) We lasted 2.5-3 months.
I felt obligated to spend all my time with him.
I felt obliged to be a proper non-controlling partner in regard to his addiction, working on my individual boundaries. But because of BPD, these boundaries were busted in unimaginable ways.
In what ways did you feel guilty?
I felt guilty for my behaviour after an overdose - I wasn't terrible and he was pretty aggressive himself but I could have talked less on that particular day I think.
I felt guilty that I let him in when he dropped rehab like that and that he didn't have a place to live - this wasn't my fault but I felt guilty and felt that couldn't turn him back now.
It started lifting during the relationship. Some were obvious from the beginning. But I went through things anyway - and I felt engulfed as well. Things started to get much clearer when I had some alone time and also very very clear during limited contact.
These are the first things that came to my mind and I'll add when I think about this more.
