BPD Teen vs "Normal Teen"

[J James]

After almost two years of dealing with DD's (barely 15) behavior, you start to question yourself... .your own values and morals.

I'm constantly being told that all teens do the following: (our other child didn't)

Lie to their parents, obsess over boys (DD), experiment with drugs, alcohol and tobacco, have sex, steal, resist authority, sneak out of the house, meet up with forbidden "friends" etc. and that we are just being too strict, compounding the issues. Let her live a normal life... .Lighten up, they all go through phases is what i hear.

My DD has been hospitalized twice for suicidal threats (has made many more threats but only two escalated to police/medical intervention), cuts regularly, has falsely accused me of sexual abuse, has no sense of reality, cannot resist peer pressure and is obsessed over relationships (maybe low self esteem), makes out with people she doesn't know, wants a baby, goes into rages when she is told "NO" just to hit the highlights.

My argument is that because of her state of mind she is at risk for much bigger problems than the average teen, especially in the long term.

I forbid her from doing certain things with certain people based on her actions over and over again... .she has been given many second chances but fails to make the right choices.  Am I wrong?

I have this sick feeling that if I give in, something major will happen.

What are some other good points? What do you consider the defining differences between "normal" teen and BPD teen behavior?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

Hi there J James

I felt compelled to reply to you as your question really popped out at me.

It is something that I have battled long and hard with myself.

Being told my some professionals that a lot if not all of my DD16s behaviour was just down to her "being a teen".

I could never agree with that as I think as parents we are fine tuned into knowing when something is just not right.

For me the most obvious difference between my d's behaviour and that of other teens is seeing that she does not learn from her mistakes. So a repetition of the same behaviours coupled with a resistance to take responsibilites for those mistakes ie there is always some other person/place/event that "made" her do it. And she "cant help it"

I know teenagers are frustrating and sometimes downright scary but I think our BPD kids cross that line running.

I have this sick feeling that if I give in, something major will happen.

I know that feeling. Without going into to much of our back story I knew that if something hadnt been done my own child was going to end up pregnant, behind bars or worse. After many attemps and hospitalisations she is now in a residential unit. The drama still continues but at least now I feel she has a chance.

All the best to you. Dont doubt yourself.

[donnab]

When my dd was 18 I looked back at all the crazy stuff that had happened since she was 12 and started to think that each and everything thing was teenage behaviour but no one does it all unless there is something wrong. I had been told for years it was rebellious teenage behaviour - running away, school refusal from 13, drinking, drugs, stealing from me repeatedly which caused a lot of financial problems, promiscuity, dangerous behaviour, criminal activity, going to prison, anger & rage all on an almost daily basis. At 18 I started to think somethings wrong and started doing research about BPD and bingo. It took another 3 years and taking on her 11 month old baby before anyone listened and she got a diagnosis.

When I was told this by the professionals (it was teenage behaviour) it made me see her behaviour as deliberate and I was so angry with her which again caused so much difficulty. I was told to put in more boundaries, which I interpreted as punishments for what she was doing. The irony being that is exactly what was needed, as well as probably hospitalisations at times, but without the anger it evoked in me. I wish I had understood and been more compassionate. In the UK there is almost no support for emerging BPD in teens and their families.

I think in the end for us, the parents trying to cope, the living in hypervigilance causes psychological problems. Yes we do need to try to keep our teens safe but we can't stop this onslaught of problems they are getting in to by trying to control them. If I knew then what I know now about BPD in teens I think I would deal with the situation differently

[Lollypop]

Hi j James

We too thought it was just usual teenager pushing the boundaries. At 19 we started to see there was a real problem but we couldn't see if it was the drugs or something else.

So much anger, arguments, emotion over the years took its toll. I think it actually doesn't matter if it is just teenager behaviour or BPD. If a person is behaving in such a extreme way it's because there's an emotional problem underneath.

Once the environment changes from accusatory to calm it will have a positive impact. That's what I think. I wish I'd known then what I know now.

Our BPDs is 25 and I feel he's going to be ok. Things aren't ideal and we are struggling with boundaries. It's hard to get it all right.

flipping it over to what a normal teen looks like because I've got one:

Motivated

has interests

Struggles with mood swings but is aware of them, accepts them and controls them

Can get angry but rarely

Aware of peer pressure and can make a choice

Buys things for himself

Takes pride in appearance

Has positive goals in life

Obsessed with first girlfriend

Can have arguments with friends but makes up

Learns by mistake

Easily bored

Can self reflect

Can plan but occasionally gets caught out with last minute homework

Room untidy but will tidy

Arrogant, lacks empathy, is a ring leader ( discounts my mentoring "treat people nicely"

Can laugh at himself

I hope this helps you.

L

[twojaybirds]

It is such a fine line.  When do behaviors and choices cross over from typical to something else.

I think whether it is BPD vs typical teen,  social drinker vs alcoholic,  OCD vs neat and cautious etc  the line is how is this impacting your daily life and life goals/decisions.  Are your behaviors hurtful to yourself?  Are you repeating behaviors without learning?  Are your behaviors interfering with your the relationships that truly matter?

Of course if YOU are in that zone you might not be able to see it hence needing some interventions or candid conversations or SET or whatever we outside of the infliction/condition/diagnosis  can offer to not enable and shed light and support in ways that support ourselves, the relationships (however that looks for you)  and hope.

[lbjnltx]

If you haven't seen it already, here is a video on the subject of "teenager" or BPD by Blaise Aguirre MD.  If you haven't read his book "BPD in Adolescents" yet I highly recommend it.  He is the leading authority on BPD and teens and he runs the inpatient clinic for teens with BPD at Harvard's McLean Hospital in Boston.

Video:  https://bpdfamily.org/2013/05/bpdfamily.html

Book: https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/borderline-personality-disorder-adolescents