Need advice to get away from a short marriage with a serious BPD case.

[freddy4play]

First time poster.  This is a club I did not want to join, but here I am.  I married a woman who was diagnosed with a serious BPD case after she tried to commit suicide a couple of weeks ago.  They told me that she will need anywhere between 1-6 years of intense therapy and  I should basically expect to be the worst person in the her life during this time.   She has all 9 symptoms.  No way can I stay in a relationship like that.  We have been married for 5 months.  4 days after we were married, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  This was at the beginning of September.  By the end of October, she was dead.  My wife started acting strangely about 3 days after we were married.  It has been a steady progression downhill will major declines around my mothers death and the return from our Honeymoon 3 weeks ago.  Two days into our honeymoon she was threatening to fly home from Hawaii to Wisconsin because I told her to turn the GPS on in a tone she did not like.  She tried to commit suicide around the 23rd of January by swallowing a couple handful of pills.  She spent 5 days in the hospital and the diagnosis was not good.  Since the two weeks since she has been released, I have been to the police station a handful of times.  Called the police a couple of times and been locked in my room basically the entire time.  The police have been little to no help.  They have absolutely no idea what this disorder is about and have even blamed me a couple times for my wifes problems.  She is extremely articulate and smart and the cops just do not want to get her out of the house as she has absolutely no where to go.  Last night she was trying to kick in the door to get into my room.  This morning, I went to the police station to say that I need her out of the house as I feel threatened and they basically told me to get the hell out of there.  The lack of knowledge by the police in my city is stunning.  This is my first experience with any sort of mental illness and I am deeply troubled and saddened and how the US healthcare system is run.  Not only that, the police have been no help at all.  I have video of her trying to kick the door into my room last night and they dont care.  I also have a three minute video of her beating me up a couple months ago and they literally will not look at it.  She kept on attacking me even though she knew  I was recording it.  She pulled my hair multiple times, hit me over the head with a cutting board and left a softball size bruise on my arm that there are still traces of two months later.  She is screaming or calling me names literally 5-10 hours a day, even though I am locked in my room with a chair in front of the door.

I need help and I need help now.  I have started the divorce process but the lawyer meeting is not available until next Friday.  I might be dead or she might commit suicide by then.   I have multiple recordings of her threatening suicide, but they are a week old and the police say they can not do anything. 

Ideas?

[Turkish]

freddy4play,

It's sad that the police are of no help, but you're doing well in documenting this. I know you are in crisis mode now,.but it also helps to keep a written journal. Back-date it as necessary. A weekly planner is good. Since the cops don't seem to be of much help, it would be good for you to have your own safety plan:

Safety First

This may also help:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

There are likely local DV resources in your area, and calls are anonymous. The police are trained to respond to immediate crises, not to support someone who needs guidance. Can you make a call? Resources for men are getting better than they used to be.

[sweetheart]

Hi freddy,



Things sound really tough. I'm sorry that you are living in fear.

Like Turkish said there will be local DV crisis lines/shelters in your area, or near you. Contacting them will help you. You can phone them anytime.

I live in the UK so my advice is around what I have access to.

My dBPDh minus the violence toward me, but has still exhibited a degree of aggression and intimidation that has caused me to feel afraid at what he could do. He has been both a risk to himself and to members of the public.

What I have done during these times is to call the police. During the actual incident. What I am careful to say and unfortunately it does matter what you say. I have asked them to intervene because I believe my h is at risk of self-harm/injury ( let them know your w's history ) and that I am at risk. Explain that your w is mentally unstable.

I understand that you have been to the police, they will not act in my experience unless the incident is actually occurring, so dial 911 when your w is dysregulating.

If she is taken to cells, or a Place of Safety for a psych assessment you can refuse to accept her home. I have refused to have my h home.

You can I believe in the US ( it's called something different here ) also make a request for your w to be involuntarily committed if you she poses a risk. The police can start this procedure if necessary. Again the Crisis lines will also advise you around this.

Is there anyone, a friend who you could call on for support?

Keep posting, let us know how things are.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

In my case the police would have gladly taken her away.  She had a prior criminal record.  I never wanted that, until one day I was ready to retaliate.  It took everything not to.  Thank god I didn't.   Surprisingly when I left her a note the next morning for her to leave the house, she did.  She hasn't contact me since.  Unlike you I did and still do love her.  Protect yourself emotionaly, contact a crisis center, explain the evidence you have.  It's thier job to assist you and help.  I'm sorry your going through this.  It is extremely difficult.

[freddy4play]

She tried to break into my room last night at 315am in the morning.  Even though I recorded her trying to get in the room, repeatedly knocking for 3-4 minutes and she had a weapon in her hand when they arrived, they did not arrest her and said I should leave the premise.  What is 911 and the police there for if they are just going to protect the woman?  The police saw the key she had wrapped around her finger sticking out.  It was one of those keys used to pick bathroom doors, so it is like a straight nail attached to her finger.  I have pictures of this.  The police saw this.  I also have a voice recording of me repeatedly asking her not to come in my room that happened 15 minutes later and they still will not arrest her.  She also came out of the room pretending like she was sleeping until the voice  recording was produced. 

Oh, and just for kickers, I found out from her mother via facebook that she threatened to kill her ex fiancee's new girlfriend and unborn child about 8 years ago. :'(

[Turkish]

freddy,

The cops suggested a course of action to eliminate conflict based upon their training. Unfortunately, it's "remove the strongest person who can cause the most damage" from the scene. Is it fair or right? No. Unfortunately, members here have been in similar situations. It can depend upon the jurisdiction, but in general, this seems to be the case.

What's your safety plan, and do you have somewhere to go? Have you connected to local DV resources who can help?

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, you should continue recording when around her.  It's so easy for a woman to claim anything, even 'fearfulness", and get action.  It's harder for men.  Yet mental illness or poor behaviors is not a gender issue, though in some ways it is treated that way by the police and courts.  So better safe than sorry.

Your safety is most important.  Do consider staying somewhere else until you can get the legal issues resolved with a temporary order.  Maybe the order will have her moving out, not sure, too often the women get the default preference and few professionals try to buck the system.  If you own the home you may be more likely to get the court to have her be the one moving out.

Naturally, with the marriage ending, don't risk having children with her, not even if she's happens to be in a good mood at the time.  You will have to be the one responsible for birth control, she can't be trusted.

Do you have a proactive lawyer, one who is a problem solver?  You need more than a forms filer and hand holder who never tries to stray from the usual outcomes.

[livednlearned]

She tried to break into my room last night at 315am in the morning.  Even though I recorded her trying to get in the room, repeatedly knocking for 3-4 minutes and she had a weapon in her hand when they arrived, they did not arrest her and said I should leave the premise.  What is 911 and the police there for if they are just going to protect the woman?  The police saw the key she had wrapped around her finger sticking out.  It was one of those keys used to pick bathroom doors, so it is like a straight nail attached to her finger.  I have pictures of this.  The police saw this.  I also have a voice recording of me repeatedly asking her not to come in my room that happened 15 minutes later and they still will not arrest her.  She also came out of the room pretending like she was sleeping until the voice  recording was produced.

How awful, not just your wife's abuse, the police too. We are not lawyers here and can't give legal advice, only share with you what we've been through collectively, and some of the things we've learned along the way. And also to let you know that you're not alone. Like you said, this isn't really a club people want to join, though I can't say enough about the care and concern members here have given me dealing with the legal system.

There are different laws in different states -- some are dual arrest, some are mandatory arrest. It sounds like you are in a state where the police have neither, so they manage the situation without understanding what they have on their hands. Keep calling the police, is my advice to you. And though it is a small consolation, I guess we can be relieved she is not calling 911 herself and trying to have you falsely accused, which is a whole other nightmare issue.

It's helpful that you have video recordings, and your lawyer can help you sort out how (and if) to use them. Do you know if you live in a one-party consent state? If so, it's much easier to have this introduced as evidence. You may need to have a forensic IT person handle the recordings, your lawyer can help you with this.

Meanwhile, you need to protect yourself. There are some DV shelters that are set up to handle female-on-male DV, though not all are equal in their effectiveness, and this goes whether you are male or female (in my experience). I will say that the DV advocates who help with protective orders tend to be more senior and it might help to ask for someone like that if you are thinking about going that route.

Oh, and just for kickers, I found out from her mother via facebook that she threatened to kill her ex fiancee's new girlfriend and unborn child about 8 years ago. :'(