Introduction

[MacDeb2016]

Hi, everyone - 

I'm looking forward to participating here. We have a son who I've only recently realized has BPD traits. I only learned about BPD, in fact, because a new friend who is an amazing, accomplished, stable human being at 37 shared his experience living with BPD and going into therapy when he was 30. As I read about the traits, I realized that it has popped up in our family in several places - my late mother, I think, had some of the traits and I think I do, too - but I think we were/are "quiet" versions. Our son is 26 and definitely not quiet. He's hit a really low point at the moment and we're trying to help him - but he's very, very resistant to advice. I hope to learn more about how to communicate with him and help him without it ruining my own life!

I really appreciate that this site is here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

That's awesome that you have a friend who has been through it, and understands how your son struggles.

What's your son's low point right now, ad what steps have you been taking in trying to help?

Turkish

[pessim-optimist]

Hello MacDeb2016!

I want to join Turkish in welcoming you to the site. Make yourself comfortable here and let us know how we can help.

It can be very draining trying to help our grown child w/BPD. You will definitely need to make sure you carve out enough time and space for yourself to remain healthy yourself in order to be able to help him.

It can sound selfish to put our own stability and health first, but it's a must in the long run.

Welcome again and keep sharing - this site just may be part of the support that will keep you afloat.

[MacDeb2016]

Thank you, Turkish and pessim-optimist!

The low point is that he's been caring for his two toddler sons while his wife was on deployment (Navy). She apparently found someone else while on the cruise, broke off communication with him for months and when she came home, announced she wanted a divorce. You can imagine the stress of someone with BPD in any one of these situations, I know. Anyway, he reacted badly, destroyed some property and made a lot of noise. He has never been and would never be violent toward his family (I realize, having read some other posts here, that we're luckier than some families!).

But the words were bad enough. She got a restraining order and kicked him out of the house. He had not been able to both watch the children and get a job that would pay for child care, so now he's staying with friends, and has no income. I wanted him to come home, but he and his dad can't be in the same house without arguments and our son blowing up.

We think he needs to get himself established and then work to get the restraining order removed. But he's not taking any advice. I have introduced the idea that rather than the anger-management classes the judge advised him to take, he should see about treatment for BPD. We've been mostly texting - and he manages to make it sound like he's yelling when he declares he's not insane and doesn't need any help. He thinks he's just "intense," and that people should deal with it.

I feel like anything I can think of to do is impossible. He can't come home, I can't support him financially outside of the home ... .I'm at a loss as to how I can help him. He lives hundreds of miles from us.

Thanks for listening ... .I'm glad I found this place.

[Dibdob59]

This is a very difficult situation for you to be in. I fully identify with your feeling of wanting to help your adult son. Unfortunately you have little, if any, control over what he now does.

It is likely he is acting from a place of anger, resentment and blame towards his wife for wanting to end the relationship and a place of fear and bitterness for being unable to have access to his children or provide a roof over his head in order to request visitation.

Does he generally stay angry or does he, from past experience, eventually start to rationalise a way forward when faced with emotionally challenging situations?

Do you have contact with his ex and grandchildren? If so what is that relationship like?

Where in the world are you located?

Sorry for all the questions

Stay calm and breathe

Dibdob