Am I the narcissist?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it's been half a year since I posted here my story and never could I imagine that it would be 2016 and I would still be struggling with breaking free from the relationship I'm in with a person who I think has BPD.

We met online 1.5 years ago and after a couple of dates became serious very quickly, moving in together in just three months. I now realize that it was too early but at the time I was sure that that was what I wanted. I was starved for a romantic relationship not having been in one for years and fell for the guy very quickly, really simply losing my mind. I thought about him day and night, wanted to spend all our time together, showered him with gifts. He is seven years younger than me and when we met he was still involved with his ex (though he said he was not and he was just living there because he had no other place to live, calling his ex a roommate now). I realize that I came on a little strong but I was madly in love. Or so I thought. All that time he tried to slow me down as he told me by not responding to my seduction: staying online in the dating apps, lying to me about where and who he spent his time with, mocking me for being in love and vulnerable etc. And this is the only piece of the puzzle with my suspicion of his having BPD - a pwBPD is supposed to fall for you quickly, go into the adoration stage immediately but he never did. Instead I was in the adoration stage.

Next, when we settled together and were about to go on our first trip together, the first rage showed itself. The reason was as petty as that I started cleaning the apartment instead of making lunch and taking care of him. And soon things spiraled down to his explosions on similar things: I walk too slowly on our way to work, I wear the wrong kind of jeans, etc. Every time that happened I literally froze and had no words to say. I started retreating into myself, becoming silent. Gradually, things became worse - I discovered lots of lies, found him looking for sex in online dating apps, suspected his infidelity, we had terrible fights that never led to anything, he got me infected with an std and denied he was to blame. He was trying to control me in various ways. I began going for weekends to my parents' place, trying to distance myself. I would try to hide from all the negativity (or maybe I was avoiding true intimacy, having engulfment fears as in Shari's article?)

And finally we both moved out. I went to live with my parents and he got a room.

There are many other elements that I think point to his BPD:

- During the beginning of our relationship he would complain how bored he feels just out of the blue. He said no one understood him, even me. This looked like a dark, depressive side you don't see at first. He admitted that he has no identity and changes it depending on who he's with.

- He poses as being completely helpless: can't find a place to live, has no money, can't do anything alone. He's like a grown child, always needing to be taken care of. And no amount of care is ever appreciated: it is taken for granted and even criticized for not being good enough (same with gifts and other signs of attention).

- Obsession with body piercing, addictive behaviors, reckless driving.

- Constant manipulation, lies, inability to admit responsibility for things he's done.

After we moved out we continued the relationship, going on several trips together. We spent some happy, exciting time together and at other times went on without speaking for weeks. There was a series of long emails in which similar to our fights we could not achieve anything. I was always exhausted, irritated, angry, overly emotional. At one point we were walking outside at night, arguing about something, and I was so annoyed and angry that I shouted at some bad people who asked us something and they attacked us. I ended up with a terrible fracture that is still failing to heal. Yet, he was very attentive when I was in the hospital, visiting me almost every day.

Last November, we went on a 10-day trip to Thailand and it was perfect: we seemed to understand each other, have a connection, it was perfectly comfortable for both of us, we enjoyed the trip so much without a single fight. On the last day I could hardly restrain tears in my eyes, because we would be going back to different apartments after we return and the paradise would end. And soon enough we started fighting again, because I wanted to go to the gym instead of meeting him after work. It's February and I still can't forget how good that trip to Thailand felt. Things have spiraled down to a complete break-up now - we had terrible fights, went on without speaking. I was so exhausted, tired, sick and depressed I neglected it when bad things happened to him - like his grandmother passing away and him having a minor car accident. After a couple of weeks of silence he said he was invited to a date by someone and he would accept. I said I don't know what to say. Then he sent me a long email saying I was not made for a relationship, that I was damaged. He said that I had behaved like a loving person when we started dating and I was completely and madly in love. And now I was an indifferent, self-centered person incapable of love. I could not fight any more... .And then... .the day after break up he wrote he wanted to meet, he can't live without me, he loves me so much he's going crazy and even said he thought about jumping out of the window, also that he rejected the date invitation.

I am an over-achiever, in school, at work, in sports. In everything I do I struggle with perfectionism and my desire to please. I I help other people to the point I suspect they might be using me.

I honestly think that I unconsciously do not believe my needs are as important as my partner's. At the beginning of our relationship I completely forgot about myself - I would not have time for taking care of myself, for even simplest things... .But then I tried to fight back my hobbies, my friends, my family which had been completely neglected during the first months and he felt threatened by all of that.

I want him to be happy, my heart aches as I am writing this as we are not talking. I want to help him, to hug him, to make him smile. I'm terrified at the thought of his being all alone, helpless somewhere out there.

So much in that and other articles by Shari seem to ring the bell - I used to be healthy and now... .I have a broken arm that's not healing as quickly as it should in a young person, my immune system is weak - I constantly get sick, I have problems with the stomach and skin. The body is reacting to the constant stress. I've become so emotional that people do not recognize me - I used to be calm and stable. And now I'm not myself and cannot break free. I'm terrified of what will happen to me if we go on.

I'm caught in the vicious circle of guilt, lies, manipulation and at the same time the memories of happy moments we had together. It all seems to match what articles on BPD etc. seem to describe but I have read so many of them and am thinking maybe it's the other way around: I read the articles and make them apply to life under the confirmation bias. Like with astrology, you read what a sign should do and neglect any behavior that contradicts the horoscope. Or maybe I have the problem and I am the narcissist. We seem to go round and round, not being able to achieve anything in our long discussions and seem to fail to understand what the other one wants to say... .

[Dimmy]

So it's been half a year since I posted here my story and never could I imagine that it would be 2016 and I would still be struggling with breaking free from the relationship I'm in with a person who I think has BPD.

We met online 1.5 years ago and after a couple of dates became serious very quickly, moving in together in just three months. I now realize that it was too early but at the time I was sure that that was what I wanted. I was starved for a romantic relationship not having been in one for years and fell for the guy very quickly, really simply losing my mind. I thought about him day and night, wanted to spend all our time together, showered him with gifts. He is seven years younger than me and when we met he was still involved with his ex (though he said he was not and he was just living there because he had no other place to live, calling his ex a roommate now). I realize that I came on a little strong but I was madly in love. Or so I thought. All that time he tried to slow me down as he told me by not responding to my seduction: staying online in the dating apps, lying to me about where and who he spent his time with, mocking me for being in love and vulnerable etc. And this is the only piece of the puzzle with my suspicion of his having BPD - a pwBPD is supposed to fall for you quickly, go into the adoration stage immediately but he never did. Instead I was in the adoration stage.

Next, when we settled together and were about to go on our first trip together, the first rage showed itself. The reason was as petty as that I started cleaning the apartment instead of making lunch and taking care of him. And soon things spiraled down to his explosions on similar things: I walk too slowly on our way to work, I wear the wrong kind of jeans, etc. Every time that happened I literally froze and had no words to say. I started retreating into myself, becoming silent. Gradually, things became worse - I discovered lots of lies, found him looking for sex in online dating apps, suspected his infidelity, we had terrible fights that never led to anything, he got me infected with an std and denied he was to blame. He was trying to control me in various ways. I began going for weekends to my parents' place, trying to distance myself. I would try to hide from all the negativity (or maybe I was avoiding true intimacy, having engulfment fears as in Shari's article?)

And finally we both moved out. I went to live with my parents and he got a room.

There are many other elements that I think point to his BPD:

- During the beginning of our relationship he would complain how bored he feels just out of the blue. He said no one understood him, even me. This looked like a dark, depressive side you don't see at first. He admitted that he has no identity and changes it depending on who he's with.

- He poses as being completely helpless: can't find a place to live, has no money, can't do anything alone. He's like a grown child, always needing to be taken care of. And no amount of care is ever appreciated: it is taken for granted and even criticized for not being good enough (same with gifts and other signs of attention).

- Obsession with body piercing, addictive behaviors, reckless driving.

- Constant manipulation, lies, inability to admit responsibility for things he's done.

After we moved out we continued the relationship, going on several trips together. We spent some happy, exciting time together and at other times went on without speaking for weeks. There was a series of long emails in which similar to our fights we could not achieve anything. I was always exhausted, irritated, angry, overly emotional. At one point we were walking outside at night, arguing about something, and I was so annoyed and angry that I shouted at some bad people who asked us something and they attacked us. I ended up with a terrible fracture that is still failing to heal. Yet, he was very attentive when I was in the hospital, visiting me almost every day.

Last November, we went on a 10-day trip to Thailand and it was perfect: we seemed to understand each other, have a connection, it was perfectly comfortable for both of us, we enjoyed the trip so much without a single fight. On the last day I could hardly restrain tears in my eyes, because we would be going back to different apartments after we return and the paradise would end. And soon enough we started fighting again, because I wanted to go to the gym instead of meeting him after work. It's February and I still can't forget how good that trip to Thailand felt. Things have spiraled down to a complete break-up now - we had terrible fights, went on without speaking. I was so exhausted, tired, sick and depressed I neglected it when bad things happened to him - like his grandmother passing away and him having a minor car accident. After a couple of weeks of silence he said he was invited to a date by someone and he would accept. I said I don't know what to say. Then he sent me a long email saying I was not made for a relationship, that I was damaged. He said that I had behaved like a loving person when we started dating and I was completely and madly in love. And now I was an indifferent, self-centered person incapable of love. I could not fight any more... .And then... .the day after break up he wrote he wanted to meet, he can't live without me, he loves me so much he's going crazy and even said he thought about jumping out of the window, also that he rejected the date invitation.

I am an over-achiever, in school, at work, in sports. In everything I do I struggle with perfectionism and my desire to please. I I help other people to the point I suspect they might be using me.

I honestly think that I unconsciously do not believe my needs are as important as my partner's. At the beginning of our relationship I completely forgot about myself - I would not have time for taking care of myself, for even simplest things... .But then I tried to fight back my hobbies, my friends, my family which had been completely neglected during the first months and he felt threatened by all of that.

I want him to be happy, my heart aches as I am writing this as we are not talking. I want to help him, to hug him, to make him smile. I'm terrified at the thought of his being all alone, helpless somewhere out there.

So much in that and other articles by Shari seem to ring the bell - I used to be healthy and now... .I have a broken arm that's not healing as quickly as it should in a young person, my immune system is weak - I constantly get sick, I have problems with the stomach and skin. The body is reacting to the constant stress. I've become so emotional that people do not recognize me - I used to be calm and stable. And now I'm not myself and cannot break free. I'm terrified of what will happen to me if we go on.

I'm caught in the vicious circle of guilt, lies, manipulation and at the same time the memories of happy moments we had together. It all seems to match what articles on BPD etc. seem to describe but I have read so many of them and am thinking maybe it's the other way around: I read the articles and make them apply to life under the confirmation bias. Like with astrology, you read what a sign should do and neglect any behavior that contradicts the horoscope. Or maybe I have the problem and I am the narcissist. We seem to go round and round, not being able to achieve anything in our long discussions and seem to fail to understand what the other one wants to say... .

[StrawberryTart]

I am new here. And I have zero answers, but I swear I feel the exact same way.  I am beginning to think it's me who has BPD. I cry when he makes plans to go out because I'm afraid he will engage in bad behavior. I feel like he's abandoning our family. I've recently become so tired of the monotany of our never ending fights I can't even enjoy the non fighting times.  But I can't seem to let him go. I can't seem to detach.

I feel crazy. And alone. And exhausted. 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Daniell85]

By virtue of the self examination you are doing, it's unlikely you are NPD.

What a ride you have had with this person. 

It is typical of BPD and NPD to project blame onto their partner, flip the actual dynamics they are acting out with as what you are doing. No one can tear you down to feeling less than nothing than a narc. About 50% of men with BPD also have NPD traits.

Did you read the articles to the right of the page? It would also help if you went to the other sections of this site and read the articles there, too. It will give you a firmer grasp on what has happened.

You appear to be stuck in FOG. Fear, obligation, guilt. Many of us nons ( and it sounds like including you!) are co-dependent and get sucked into the drama and disregulation of the BPD to the point we lose our own lives. As you have described.

I want you to know, this is common, that you are not NPD probably, that the well of guilt and fear and worry for this person is also common.

The antidote is to take a big step back, detach where you can. Figure out what is his "stuff" ( making you feel to blame, projecting things onto you) and what is your "stuff" ( boundaries, self care, acceptance that you cannot change this person and that is it NOT your job to make them feel all better all the time)

What are you wanting to happen here? Are you hoping to stabilize this relationship, or were you needing to talk about what has happened to you, get support?

[Dimmy]

What are you wanting to happen here? Are you hoping to stabilize this relationship, or were you needing to talk about what has happened to you, get support?

Oh yes, it's been quite a ride... .Sometimes I can hardly believe it... .I've gained 15 pounds trying to eat my way through the stress, got a bad bone fracture. I'm always catching colds and I used to be a super-healthy athlete. My job performance has suffered, my relationship with my family and friends have suffered. But you know what - it's impossible and unfair to blame someone else (even the BPD partner) for all of that, because whatever happens to you is still your fault even if only because you allow that to happen.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here. Just like everyone else I want validation that he does have BPD but I understand that it's impossible to obtain without a trained professional. I know if I have validation I will maybe have some peace of mind. In a way I also just needed to talk about my experience, get some support, show what can happen to you. In her articles Shari is really vocal about how you can even die by associating with BPD and bad things seem to keep happening to me... .

[Daniell85]

Ok, you seem to be struggling with guilt, self blame, anxiety over if being the recipient of behavior from someone with BPD and npd traits was a valid reason for reacting in ways that are not in alignment with your values, of who you always believed yourself to be: how you think, how you treat people, and so on.

I've been there. Most of us have been there. I have some war stories about my own reactions ( note, I had not learned to be able to respond as opposed to reacting) to how I was being treated. I have done things I never even dreamed I was capable of. The shame and the guilt have been terrible. Due to my confusion, inexperience, I ended up becoming someone who most people would think was nearly psychopathic.

It took a couple of years of severe and intense, unrelenting emotional and mental abuse for me to get to the point of becoming like that. I struggled with it, and often still do. After coming here, I have been able to take some big steps back, to recognize the abuse when it happens, to pull back, and I am getting way better at a productive response instead of a nearly mindless reaction of lashing out, howling out pain and panic.

I was actually suicidal for about 6 months. I lost a lot of weight, lived in a nightmare of 20-30 major panic attacks a week, insomnia. I was passively dying. The biggest horror of all to me, is that the situation was making me into a monster, my uBPD boyfriend was maliciously grinding into me how I was the problem. He enjoyed abusing me emotionally and mentally in order to force onto me, project onto me an acceptance between us that I was who he was actually being.

As you can understand my life was decimated.

So hopefully I can help you understand something. Whatever you decide long term for yourself, right now your job is to stabilize your own life. This means taking a big step back in order to take you out of the immediate path of re-traumatization. Taking a step back will allow space for you to calm down, to put into context why you may have reacted out character, to gain clarity about how to be the person you want to be (learn boundaries, self care) if you want to remain in this relationship.

The context is basically what most of us come to realize is this: we (you) have been in a chaotic storm without the proper tools to cope. You came here looking for answers. With those answers you have better understanding, and can re-frame what has happened. The self blame only leads to feeling hopeless, helpless and whatever misery gets inflicted on you somehow seems like it's ok to be able to be made to feel bad by your possible BPD/npd person.

It's not ok. You have other options.

[zuki1111]

Daniell, thank you for you wisdom. I am in a similar situation with my uBPDbf. It is good to be reminded of the fact that one of the factors of it being a PD, is lack of introspection, awareness and responsibility. It is easy to wonder, with them always blaming you, whether they are right about you.

With codependency, you tend to absorb others' beliefs, and my bf is all into blaming me for everything, and then, of course, saying that's not what he is doing.

He accuses me of all of his problems, and calls me selfish if I have any self care thoughts or actions. Being called selfish, I think is also a kind of trigger for codependent people. It certainly has seemed like a bad thing for me, and something difficult to overcome when you are trying to do something for yourself. And sometimes makes me wonder about NPD in myself. Everyone has narcissistic aspects, they merge with healthy (non-codependent) self care. I think your distinction about self awareness and even questioning is a great point to keep in mind. 

Dimmy, BPD exists on a continuum, so whether he "really" has it is less important than that you recognize the traits and understand that they are not normal, and may require unusual ways of responding. There is a lot of good information about how to moderate, or understand these interactions, that do help, if your goal is to stay.

I have not yet figured out what I am going to do. But I am currently taking a step back, and not living with him, much to his dismay and apparently, surprise, in spite of telling him that I couldn't live with someone who treated, thought of and spoke to me the way has for several years. I still love him, but his emotional and verbal abuse has cost him my trust. an important part of a love relationship.

[Dimmy]

We basically separated back in June when we stopped living together but continued the relationship and in reality the separation has not helped us at all. When I announced my plan to move out, you should have seen the change in the behavior, the pleading, the promises to change etc. And it does take a lot of effort and analysis to see that nothing has really changed. During the time we have not lived together I've certainly grown stronger, but at the same time more cynical and sick.

Most importantly, when we stop talking and seeing each other, then in a couple of weeks I am usually amazed at how I feel - I have more energy, don't feel irritated and anxious all the time, I start to get interested in my hobbies again etc. I start to heal and come back from the "dark side" but then he charms me back into the misery.

Like last week, he said he would be going on a date because he was tired of waiting for me to come round. I said - ok, go. Then of course it turns out that the date invitation was a lie and he wasn't planning on going. And then he started lovebombing me - how he can't live without me, how he thought of jumping out of the window to stop the misery, how madly he was in love with me. I felt physical sickness after that monologue to which I stopped responding after midnight and all the bad feelings and depression came back. I know the remedy to this - NC - but it is so hard and takes so much courage to do. And because of this indecisiveness and even cowardice I feel trapped, worthless and depressed. I know the way out and I do not plan on staying in this relationship any longer... .

[Daniell85]

Dimmy, you sound like you have reached capacity with this.    It's a rough place to be, and it's very painful to have to set aside a loved one because your life is going down.

Key to this is being attentive to your own self. Your own well being and the quality of your life. When you reach the point of being unable to cope, it's ok to step back. That is good self care and an emotionally healthy thing to do.

Zuki, my boyfriend is stubbornly walking all over my hurt from his cheating and getting another woman pregnant. She terminated the pregnancy on Valentine's Day a couple of years ago. My boyfriend sees no reason at all why he shouldn't continue to be "just friends" with the gals he was shady with. I have a problem with it.

He in fact sees no reason to be particularly considerate to me over this stuff. He becomes really ugly to me about it. As a result, I distance myself and we don't speak because I can't be close to him, or he gets mad and gives me silent treatment ( what is the point of talking to someone who is refusing to respond? I don't anymore). Or he blocks me on social sites, skype, and so on.

I feel a ton better not sitting there getting into circular arguments over what he is doing. It's become really simple for me. If I feel I can't deal, I go quiet. I don't give silent treatment, I just don't looking for him to interact.

After the last episode last Thursday, and with Valentine's Day coming up, I am not particularly inspired to see or talk to him. I feel hurt. He's not avoiding me, but he knows how I am feeling, and why, so he isn't trying to talk to me right now. He is making himself available, though.

Point I guess I am making, is that when things become so upsetting and everything seems to be flying around like a tornado, it's time ( for me at least) to back off and allow things to calm down and slow waaay down so *I* am not ending up reacting rather than being able to give a more considered response. It seems to be helping a lot.