Is paranoia part of having BPD, how do I help him?

[Yaryar87]

My exboyfriend was diagnosed with borderline disorder. Anytime I said something or did something he didn't like he would break up with me. We've had over ten breakups in a year.  Our last breakup was because my mom doesn't want him to come over because he left me stranded on my birthday.  He drank too much and I told him to stop drinking and he broke up with me and left me stranded an hr away from home.  We've been trying to work things out.  He finally admitted that he shouldn't break up with me every time we argue.  We went out on three dates and he wanted to come over and because I said that he can't because of my mother he got really upset. He got really paranoid and started doubting the relationship. He then invites me over the next day to hangout but then calls me an hour after saying we should just be friends.  I don't understand why so many breakups and why does he change his feelings all the time.  He said he was never in love with me he only said it because he wanted to feel love. On our date he was hugging me and kissing me and over one thing I said now he just wants to be friends. I also found out he has been talking to many women on Facebook and I have caught him talking to strippers as well.  I don't understand it can someone pls explain it to me.

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[tryingsome]

I don't think they are paranoid per say.

Mine didn't constantly think what I was up to, or who I was talking to.

Yes, that happened time to time, but when I think of paranoia I think that it is more a constant feeling.

If anything, I was the paranoid one toward the end of the relationship; wondering what they are doing when out drinking, who they are talking to, why they are ignoring me.

Now given that, I think pwBPD are extremely negative. They see the dark cloud in everything.

This might come off as paranoia, but I think they just see the worst of a situation.

I also think they don't understand 'fairness' or 'equality'

Since you are on the improving board, what can you do?

Well, you can be the silver lining that they desperately need.

You can show them fairness by example.

You can show them how to be stable with emotions.

You can be a crutch for them.

And then enjoy the parts you like about them.

[Yaryar87]

I guess your right maybe it's not paranoia but his negative thinking. I have become paranoid too because I never know how his mood will be one day. Do they ever change? Is breaking up and making up a part of his sickness or he is just playing games?

[tryingsome]

He is not playing games.

I don't think they are emotionally smart enough to play games, at least intentionally.

It seems that way at times as it makes no sense.

What you are experiencing now is how it will be (if not slight worse) for the remainder of the relationship.

Once the push/pull starts it will remain throughout the relationship. It will remain at this intensity (makeup/breakup).

The good news is they want it to work. This is true.

The bad news is they think it will not work. This is true.

Good news = makeup

Bad news = breakup (talking to others on Facebook).

Hopefully you have a strong support system of friends?

They should know your relationship struggles.

I recommend they are the same gender as you (you don't want to get emotionally involved with someone else).

Talk to your friends!

[Yaryar87]

We got into a huge argument because he was talking to other women and now he doesn't even want to be friends. I know I should let things cool off but I wonder if this relationship is even worth it.

[Jessica84]

Sorry you are going through this.  

The makeup/breakup pattern can definitely be a part of BPD relationships. It was part of my relationship cycle for the longest time. We once broke up 3 times in one weekend! It's exhausting, frustrating, confusing and often painful. And yes, one wrong word, or even a wrong facial expression, can cause it. It's the reason most of us started walking on eggshells around them.

But there is hope and you found the right place! You can learn what triggers him (and you) and how to handle things differently. You can learn how to communicate with him in a way that doesn't escalate into arguments or a breakup. Have you read the lessons on the right side of this page? That's the best place to start. Look at it as a map of how to avoid stepping on the BPD landmines so they stop blowing up in your face  

[Jessica84]

We got into a huge argument because he was talking to other women and now he doesn't even want to be friends. I know I should let things cool off but I wonder if this relationship is even worth it.

Only you can decide whether it is worth it. Understanding the disorder will help you understand what has happened in your relationship so you can move forward either way.

[Yaryar87]

Thanks guys, I would love to see it work out but I can't imagine going through this for ten plus yrs.  I can understand why he does it now I just wish he would change.  If it was only this issue but he also drinks a lot and smokes weed which causes him to be depressed and sometimes verbally abusive.  I wish things were different he was not like this when we first met.

[tryingsome]

We got into a huge argument because he was talking to other women and now he doesn't even want to be friends. I know I should let things cool off but I wonder if this relationship is even worth it.

See for me, I would nip this in the bud and say along the lines:

"if you don't want to be friends because you want to talk to other women, then I realize that is more important to you than this relationship".

"i want to be with someone who takes my feelings into account, just like I do with you"

"I thought you were that person, that is what I try to be for you"

That's how I would leave it. It would be a boundary for me.

But this is you, and you have decide where your boundaries sit. Since you had a fight, this sounds important to you.

And with your latest posts, it is very common for them to switch to addictions as the relationship progresses.

This helps they 'self-medicate' their illness. In the beginning it was all roses and perfect so the substance abuse might not happen till later.

My ex was the exact same way.

The hard part is making sure you don't give up too much of yourself.

When to draw the line and what is worth it.

It is a fine balancing act and you need tons of support.

For me it was too difficult (my support system was weak at the time).

But I think with the right outlets it might work.

[Jessica84]

Tryingsome is right about boundaries and taking care of yourself. Your bf can change but only when/if he is ready to change. Don't feel like you aren't enough, or aren't worth it, if he isn't ready. This is the disorder and has nothing to do with you. So as hard it is, try not to take it personal. Good news is YOU can change, and that can change the dynamic of your relationship.

As for the verbal abuse and seeing other women, this is where boundaries come in.

Boundaries are for you. You don't even have to tell him, but you do have to tell yourself!

If he says/does x, I will say/do y:

If he yells, I will ask him to stop. If he continues to yell, I will leave.

If he tells me he wants to see other women, I will tell him I cannot be friends... etc.

You decide where your boundaries are. What would yours look like?

[Yaryar87]

I guess I have put my boundaries aside because he has emotional problems.  My one boundary I told him was when we had an agreement was that we work through it no breaking up.  He didn't this time and he also brought up my birthday and started blaming me saying it was my fault he left me stranded.  I said I'm not going to take the blame and tried to change the subject.  He got upset again because I'm not taking the blame.  I feel whenever I stand up for myself he tries to demote me from his life.  Now he doesn't even want to be friends he just wants to be associates.  I asked him why would he take me on a romantic date and then back away when he promised he wouldn't this time. he answered back with I'm obsessed with labels, yet he asked me to be his girlfriend I didn't ask for this relationship.  I also saw that he was flirting with this girl even before the break up and he now says well they are Facebook friends and he sees nothing wrong with it.  sorry for the rant.  I just feel like I get bumped down from girlfriend to friend to now associate all because I didn't agree with him. I feel like he is punishing me.