The end of my rope

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I ended my relationship 10/11 weeks ago, but my ex never let up and has contacted me almost every day. I acknowledge that I allowed this. I tried NC a few times, but failed miserably. For various reasons, my resolve weakened and I agreed to meet with him. Nothing was resolved as he continued to blame me for everything and it was obvious he wanted to press the reset button without resolving any issues. I'm not prepared to do that.

Four days ago he told me that if I want us to work I will have to make the effort as it’s always him that makes contact with me. This is true. However, that lasted all of one day. Since then he’s texted me asking how I am and why don’t I trust him. I’ve already told him why (e.g. his use of dating sites), but he’d just reacted in anger followed by a tirade of insults and accusations against me, e.g. cheating, lies. The usual, completely unfair and twisted, BPD/NPD stuff. I probably don’t need to say that I have never cheated or lied to him.

I realised today that I can’t keep going on like this. Just like when I was in the relationship I am feeling anxious and I can’t concentrate on getting my own life in order. So, in response to his text today asking me again "how are you?" and  “what good reason do you have not to trust me” I sent him the following:

I would like to do one of two things: (1) Talk about our issues, e.g. trust with the purpose of seeing if we can work this out, or (2) End all communication so we can process all that has happened and move on with our lives One or the other. If you have moved on or even have tried to meet someone else, please stop contacting me.

I have reason to put in the last part as he has a habit of using our ‘break-ups’ as opportunities to date others and I don’t want to go back to that anymore. If that’s the case then I am finished.

That was several hours ago and I’ve heard nothing back. I understand he may need some time to think, but even as I say that I’m aware that most people would have at least acknowledged my text, perhaps telling me that they need time to think it through? I sincerely believe that he is just playing some sort of game with me.

I think my purpose for this is to seek clarity once and for all. It sounds black and white, but truly I have to have some concrete direction one way or the other. I’m finally prepared to walk away and stay away. It’s time to put myself first. I’m tired of the instability, on again, off again. I want and need to get my life back together.

I suspect he will get back to me eventually, but he won’t want to choose one of my options. He’ll accuse me of being controlling probably and/or twist it all around in some sort of nightmare circular argument where nothing gets resolved. I can say with almost 100% certainty that I won't get a straight answer. I can't be sure of course but history tells me that this will be the case. If this is the case then I have reached the very end, my enough moment. I am not prepared to do this anymore.

[Larmoyant]

I ended my relationship 10/11 weeks ago, but my ex never let up and has contacted me almost every day. I acknowledge that I allowed this. I tried NC a few times, but failed miserably. For various reasons, my resolve weakened and I agreed to meet with him. Nothing was resolved as he continued to blame me for everything and it was obvious he wanted to press the reset button without resolving any issues. I'm not prepared to do that.

Four days ago he told me that if I want us to work I will have to make the effort as it’s always him that makes contact with me. This is true. However, that lasted all of one day. Since then he’s texted me asking how I am and why don’t I trust him. I’ve already told him why (e.g. his use of dating sites), but he’d just reacted in anger followed by a tirade of insults and accusations against me, e.g. cheating, lies. The usual, completely unfair and twisted, BPD/NPD stuff. I probably don’t need to say that I have never cheated or lied to him.

I realised today that I can’t keep going on like this. Just like when I was in the relationship I am feeling anxious and I can’t concentrate on getting my own life in order. So, in response to his text today asking me again "how are you?" and  “what good reason do you have not to trust me” I sent him the following:

I would like to do one of two things: (1) Talk about our issues, e.g. trust with the purpose of seeing if we can work this out, or (2) End all communication so we can process all that has happened and move on with our lives One or the other. If you have moved on or even have tried to meet someone else, please stop contacting me.

I have reason to put in the last part as he has a habit of using our ‘break-ups’ as opportunities to date others and I don’t want to go back to that anymore. If that’s the case then I am finished.

That was several hours ago and I’ve heard nothing back. I understand he may need some time to think, but even as I say that I’m aware that most people would have at least acknowledged my text, perhaps telling me that they need time to think it through? I sincerely believe that he is just playing some sort of game with me.

I think my purpose for this is to seek clarity once and for all. It sounds black and white, but truly I have to have some concrete direction one way or the other. I’m finally prepared to walk away and stay away. It’s time to put myself first. I’m tired of the instability, on again, off again. I want and need to get my life back together.

I suspect he will get back to me eventually, but he won’t want to choose one of my options. He’ll accuse me of being controlling probably and/or twist it all around in some sort of nightmare circular argument where nothing gets resolved. I can say with almost 100% certainty that I won't get a straight answer. I can't be sure of course but history tells me that this will be the case. If this is the case then I have reached the very end, my enough moment. I am not prepared to do this anymore.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larmoyant,

I am uncertain why you are looking to him in order to "have some concrete direction one way or the other."  What do YOU want to see happen?  What is the right path for YOU?  These questions are your task, not his.  Only you can bring clarity to your situation, in my view.  I'm not trying to be flip; I really think that you have to make your own choices and be in charge of your own destiny.  Does this make sense to you?

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Hi Larmoyant,

I would echo all the guidance that LuckyJim is asking of you.  YOU are in control of your own life! YOU are the one that decided you have had enough of the roller coaster crazy train ride and got off at the last stop.  You've obviously been with him for sometime to know that this patten of behavior is just that, "A PATTERN" that is destined to repeat itself if you allow it.

You said, "I realised today that I can’t keep going on like this. Just like when I was in the relationship I am feeling anxious and I can’t concentrate on getting my own life in order".  YOU said that! I didn't say it, LuckyJim didn't say that.  You decided that enough was enough and that you were taking control of YOUR life back!  That YOU were NOT going to give up your sense of self to anyone anymore!

YOU made the first step of your journey and you should be proud of yourself! YOU said, "I’m finally prepared to walk away and stay away. It’s time to put myself first."  This was a huge first step if you don't realize it. YOU decided that you were done with all the mental, emotional and physical abuse and you were going to live your life!

On your journey you will stumble, it's ok, we all have but if you look back over your shoulder you'll see people like LuckyJim, myself and others here in the group that will have your back.  I can say with your last paragraph that you're a little wobbly in the knees, but take a deep breath, straighten yourself up and know that what you do is for YOU and no one else!

If you look in the mirror and really be honest with yourself ... .what are the answers to the questions that LuckyJ & I ask? You don't need to tell us because YOU are the only one that YOU have to answer too.

J 

[Larmoyant]

Luckyjim, JQ, this makes a lot of sense to me, but for some reason I can’t seem to be able to take charge of my own destiny. I’m struggling big time and I keep going back for more. It is a pattern and it does keep repeating itself.

I keep getting on the crazy train. I step off, but then come the incessant texts/emails/calls where he swings from insults/devaluation to love/concern which seems genuine and sincere. I get to be insulted like no ‘normal’, loving, caring person deserves, but then in the blink of an eye he’s sorry, he loves and cares for me, wants to get together, wants to talk things through. Eventually he wears me down and back on the train I go. The moment I agree to try and sort things out he starts putting barriers in the way.

Take yesterday for example, he apologises for the previous evenings barrage of accusations and insults. He seems genuinely remorseful, “I’m sorry. You know how much I care about you. I love you, please, please, let’s talk”, etc, etc. I’m particularly vulnerable to this right now and I want to believe him. At the same time, I’ve been here before many, many times and he’s hurt me so much. I feel hesitant, cautious and conflicted. However, because I still love this man, or I’m addicted/trauma bonded, I finally agree to meet with him.

What about tonight? He pauses, and stutters and says that he can’t make it tonight. He’s going out. Now the alarm bells start getting a bit louder. He neither admits nor denies it but he has been dating other women since we broke up (11 weeks ago). He has refused to give me a straight answer, but I know anyway. A well-intentioned friend confirmed it and I wasn’t surprised. It’s part of the pattern. I was just hoping that it wasn’t true this time.

Normally with anyone else I would suggest another day, but given the lack of trust and the warning bells I ask where he’s going. He pauses, and stutters again “I…... um…... just out”. I try again. More hesitation, more stuttering then finally “my daughter. I’m going out with Molly”. There’s no point in hiding my suspicion so I told him I do not believe this for one minute. I mention dates and places where he’s been seen with other women.

It goes spectacularly downhill after this and before I know it we were caught in another horrible, devastating argument where he wiped the floor with what’s left of my self-esteem. Just more chaos, more confusion and more misery.

It’s all off again! It’s madness because I ended it 11 weeks ago, but I’m still in it! It’s torture and I HAVE to stop it. I cannot keep risking my emotional welfare like this. Over and over again I keep trying to have a relationship with someone who cannot or will not give me what I want. Consistency, stability, and trust. All missing. Instead I have someone who seems to enjoy tormenting me and is, at times, sadistic. Someone who doesn’t seem to know what he wants.

JQ, this is a pattern and it will happen all over again. I will try NC. He will become relentless and persistent. He will go into a frenzied panic if he can’t speak to me, then insult, blame and devalue me, followed by claims of undying love, he'll plead with me to talk with him and I will give in. I will give in because right now I'm vulnerable. My mum is seriously ill. I alone and I need someone to lean on, but no sooner I agree to meet he'll once again put obstacles in the way. I feel trapped.

[JQ]

Hey Larmoyant,

What you describe is some classic BPD behavior in regards to extreme fear of ABANDONMENT and extreme fear of engulfment. You said, "He seems genuinely remorseful, “I’m sorry. You know how much I care about you. I love you, please, please, let’s talk”, etc, etc." & "love/concern which seems genuine and sincere."  This is his extreme fear of abandonment kicking in.  So if you've read and learned anything when it comes to someone who has a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness such as BPD, you know that you will gravitate towards him at this point. Giving in to his genuine caring & loving things that he tells you so you don't leave him. You're giving him everything that he says he wants. You are a codependent.

But without warning, you get hit with all the nasty things that a BPD can do. You said, " insults/devaluation & "The moment I agree to try and sort things out he starts putting barriers in the way."  This is his extreme fear of ENGULFMENT kicking in and he'll do anything to escape it and usually does.  This happens time and time again, it's a bad movie replaying over and over again. Hit rewind, play, rewind, play. He goes into what you call the Frenzy panic and knows how to talk to you, how to guilt you into coming back. He knows you better then you know yourself and uses it.

You're a smart woman, you know all of this already, yet you get on the crazy train roller coaster. The ability to stop, what did you call it, or yeah, "It’s madness" & "I cannot keep risking my emotional welfare like this."  this ... .all of this is within YOU!   No matter what i say, or what LuckyJim says, YOU have to be the one to take the next step in  your journey. If NC is truly what you want then may I make some suggestions.

I would block his number so that he can NOT text or call you. There are many apps out there that will assist you in doing this. This prevents you from "wearing down" & answering his calls/texts. Then delete his number from your call list. This will prevent you from "drunk dialing" him in a moment of weakness.  And if that still doesn't work, change your number and don't give it out to anyone who will remotely give it to him. Then lock down your FB account or other social media. Allow ONLY friends to see your stuff and not Friends of Friends.  Put his email address in the spam folder to prevent him from contacting you that way.

YOU don't owe him anything!  YOU have to protect & take care of YOU!  Especially since you are so vulnerable. Because your mom is seriously ill, she needs your attention and energy. What energy you have left which should be 51% then direct that energy towards you.  You can give of yourself to someone else ... .it's noble and honorable. But you can't give more then 49% of yourself to that person or persons. YOU need to keep 51% to yourself because anymore then that for example ... .the BPD will continue to take and take of you until YOU the codependent begins to suffer mentally, emotionally, physically to the point where you become worn out, you become ill, you get to a point where it's very VERY hard to recover from if you recover at all.  And I'm completely serious about that.

I watch for 20 years my absent alcoholic father be mentally, physically & emotionally abused by my BPD step mother day after day. Even then I knew something was wrong with her but that was back in the day. She continued to beat my father down day after day, he gave and gave. Until he was so worn out, he ended up taking prescription meds to fight of depression and washing them down with alcohol. He didn't make it to 50, the constant stress that his mind, body & soul had endured for 20 years finally caused him to have a fatal heart attack. He gave more then the 49%.  I was next in line to deal with her flying monkey's ... .I left the state to avoid it and haven't regretted it.

So, you can continue down this path your on and see where that leads you. Or you can take the path to the right and see what life has in store for you. The choice has been and will ALWAYS BE YOURS!  You have read that the BPD is the 3 year old toddler & will be for the rest of their life. YOU will have to be the adult setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries if you ever intended to stay with him.  So if you truly believe you're Super Woman and take care of your mother and the adult masquerading as a 3 year old toddler go for it. If you have decided to finally take care of yourself and get off the crazy train at the next stop then you know what you need to do. I nor LuckyJim will tell you what to do ... .the choice is yours.

You need to get some sleep because I know you're not sleeping. Get some melatonin to help you get some rest. Without a REM sleep your mind & body can't repair itself for the challenges for the next day.  You need to eat right because your body needs to have the proper fuel to deal with the challenges you face.  YOU need to get out and walk off your stress and get the good hormones running through out your body. You need to get out and see the sun because it helps with your mood and good hormones running through you body too.

If you don't have one, find a good therapist to help you work through your thoughts, emotions, feelings of being a codependent. Find out why & how you became a codependent in the first place. You said, " It’s time to put myself first. I’m tired of the instability, on again, off again. I want and need to get my life back together."  So when are you going to do that?  Until you REALLY do put YOURSELF first ... .then sadly ... .nothing will change.  No matter what we tell you, YOU have to make the choice.

If you need someone to lean on, come here and hold out a hand, me, LuckyJim, someone will help you up. Someone will always be here for you. If you prefer to talk to one or two people vise the whole group, you can reach out via IM too on this sight. It's all up to you Larmoyant ... .it always has been. 

J

[La Carotte]

Luckyjim, JQ, this makes a lot of sense to me, but for some reason I can’t seem to be able to take charge of my own destiny. I’m struggling big time and I keep going back for more. It is a pattern and it does keep repeating itself

It goes spectacularly downhill after this and before I know it we were caught in another horrible, devastating argument where he wiped the floor with what’s left of my self-esteem. Just more chaos, more confusion and more misery.

It’s all off again! It’s madness because I ended it 11 weeks ago, but I’m still in it! It’s torture and I HAVE to stop it. I cannot keep risking my emotional welfare like this. Over and over again I keep trying to have a relationship with someone who cannot or will not give me what I want. Consistency, stability, and trust. All missing. Instead I have someone who seems to enjoy tormenting me and is, at times, sadistic. Someone who doesn’t seem to know what he wants.

What JQ says makes so much sense, Larmoyant, and is a helpful reminder to me too, thank you JQ.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you, Larmoyant, except in my case it's currently me who's getting in touch all the time, but with the same results as you say. it really is only us who can do this. I know that. You know that. So,at some time we just have to do it. That's it. No matter what we read, what we think, how we feel, what we do, what we learn, what advice people give etc etc, the bottom line is that at some point, if this crazy is to stop, then we have to stop being in touch. There is no alternative, no matter how much we wish there was.

At this precise moment I'm feeling I can do it. But I'm aware that may be because it's only hours since our last contact. I suppose what I do know to be true is this- if we don't stop at some point, then we will continue with the crazy. It is as simple as that. Sometimes the crazy is attractive. But for as long as we choose that, neither of us will ever get what we want from our partner. That's a shame.

Big hug Larmoyant

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larmoyant, You recognize the pattern, which means you can change it.  Only you can determine when it's time to get off the BPD roller coaster.  The reason why you stay on the crazy train, if I can make a guess, is that like most of us Nons you are codependent.  You probably put the needs of others ahead of yourself, to your own detriment.  The only way to make the change is to shift the focus back to yourself and your needs.  By care-taking others, you avoid taking care of yourself.  I should know, because I did it a lot in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD!    

LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

JQ, LuckyJim, finallyitstime, thank you and sorry for the delay in replying. I’m still struggling. It’s been a long, exhausting week with my poor, beloved mum. I’m in so much pain right now that it’s hard for me not to read and respond to his messages. I’m conflicted because part of me keeps hoping that he’ll morph into a ‘stable’ human being who I could lean on for a while. He’s offered that to me in fact, but I feel as if he’s still playing the same cat and mouse game that he loves to play. If I could share some of his messages maybe someone could help me work through my feeling’s please.

HIM: “I can’t deal with anymore hurt. I honestly can’t. I’m tough, but not that tough. I am always ALWAYS here for you, next week, next month, next year. Please know you can ask me for anything always. Please turn to me if you need someone. Take care. All the best”

ME: “Thank you. All the best to you too”

HIM: “That’s not the point. The point is, that we aren’t and won’t be together because of you, but I’m here and if this gets tough I’m here. Always, that’s the point. Remember that no matter what has changed for either of us. Always here.”

ME: “I’m not sure what you mean by “because of you”, but thank you for your offer of support. It is appreciated.”

HIM: “I said that because it’s your fault! (He then went on to give me advice about how I could cope with my mum).

ME:  “It isn’t all my fault. Never mind. I will take on board your advice. Thanks”.

HIM: “I want you to remember, this is about our love for each other. It doesn’t stop for me. It never will”

Later that night he sent me more advice to help me cope with my mum.

The following morning this:

HIM:  “Are you seeing anyone now?”

ME: “Straight answer ‘no’. What about you? Can I have a straight answer?

HIM: “I haven’t been, but I can’t take any more nastiness so I might do. I was just thinking I should have committed to you. I did commit to you. I also thought about the …... concert when I’d planned a lovely evening and you wanted to go to that pub. Presumably to see ‘Bob”. That night you said you could finish with me and you haven’t been the same since. We were good together and I really felt a connection. I had every intention of getting engaged. You threw it away and I don’t know why”.

This is all over the place!  He has been dating, but refuses to give me a straight answer. We didn’t even get to go to the concert he’s referring to (over a year ago!) because he’d raged, insulted, and degraded me beforehand because he’d thought I was after his friend ‘Bob’.

Four hours after that message he sent me another one giving me more advice about how I can cope with my mum and:  “Thinking of you as always. Remember if you need me I’m here for you. Also, remember it was you who didn’t want to talk and who finished us. Not me. All the very best”.

That whole text conversation has confused me. None of it makes sense!  Can anyone else see the confusion it’s caused or is this just me? Am I going nuts or was this a continuation of the push/pull he does?

I had to stop reading/responding to his messages because I needed to focus on my mum. I’m back in my own home now for a few days so I’ve been trying to catch up on my sleep and take it all in.

This morning he sent me two texts asking how my mum is and do I want to talk. I’m too exhausted to talk, but I’m still struggling with my false hope because I am all alone with these feelings. My mum and him all competing and I’m a bit lost. I feel so very sad.

[JQ]

Hello Larmoyant,

I'm really feeling what you're going through, I've been there myself. You're trying to apply logic to someone who has a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness. NOTHING has and NOTHING will make sense to you when you're in a relationship with someone who is BPD. I know it hurts, I know you're confused, I know you have no idea which way to turn to or who to ask for help.

That's what we're here for. Lean on us, we got you.  

You describe the the behavior of a 3 yr old toddler, they blame everyone else but themselves for their actions or inactions. I see some classic BPD push / pull behavior here. I see some projection onto to you, I see some deregulation, and I see some of the classic extreme fear of abandonment and engulfment.  All that and more. All behavior of someone who has BPD, a mental illness, short circuit in the brain.

You're just trying to survive with everything that you have on your plate with your mum. IMHO, you need to concentrate on YOU and what energy yo have left you need to if you want to spend with your mum. I understand your false hope ... .those of us on the other side have been there including myself.  You like most of us here including me are a codependent or a recovering codependent. This means you are the internal optimist, you look at the glass as 1/2 full. You will sacrifice yourself for others which is a normal & honorable thing on the battlefield, but when it come to someone with BPD, you need to take care of yourself. YOU need to devote 51% of your energy to your own mind body and soul. Anything else will create a hole that will be tough for you to climb out of if you climb out of it at all. If you give to much of yourself, to someone who has BPD they will take and take and take until you have no more to give. THAT doesn't do you or your mum any good.

I know you hurt, I know you seem lost, that the world is collapsing around you. But you have the group here to help you, BUT you have to be wanting to help yourself. Only you can decide that. You will draw a line in the sand and make your stand. This line in the sand is the point of no return for you. No one here can tell you where that line should be, ONLY YOU can decide where that line is and when he crosses it. ONLY YOU will know when that is and then you can let the rest of us know and we'll be there for you.

You really need to concentrate on YOU and keep 51% of your energy for that. The other 49% can be divided up for your mum and anyone else, that is for you to decide. YOU need to get some sleep, turn your phone off and don't do anything in the electronic world an hour before you go to bed. Stay away from the junk food, try to get out and enjoy a walk or call a long time friend you haven't talked to in some time to catch up on life with them.  Enjoy the time with your mum, concentrate on the things you can affect and not the BPD things you can not change.

WE here for you, it's up to you, it always has been. Take a deep breath and know that things will get better. Things will always get better Larmoyant. 

J

[La Carotte]

Hi Larmoyant

You sound so exhausted and miserable, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I echo what JQ has said- the text exchanges sound so familiar to me in terms of their confusion, push pull, blaming, projection, taking about a rewritten past as though its still current etc etc etc. It's no wonder you're feeling so confused, especially when you want so much to have someone support you with your mum.

I'm trying really hard not to offer advice these days (!) but I will say that I haven't been in touch with my ex for 6 days, and have been feeling ok, calm, and then I just read your texts and felt a familiar knot in my stomach and shortness of breath. They're not even my texts but they provoke such a strong reaction, because they're so very familiar. And the reason I'm not in touch is because in my experience texts like that are only heading one way, and it's a way I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to be blamed and pushed and pulled any more. I want to be loved kindly and consistently. And the sad truth is that for as long as I keep hanging on to someone who appears to be incapable or unwilling to love me kindly and consistently, I'm going to spend my days with knots in my stomach and feeling slightly short of breath and dizzy. What do you want, Larmoyant, and what is it really possible for you to have at this time?

Please try and look after yourself, and I hope your mums doing ok today.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant,

What a rotten time you are having. The texts you describe are very familiar to me too. Texts of this nature usually indicate that my BPDxbf is dysregulating over something (usually, it's not me) and he simply wants someone to focus all his negative feelings upon by creating a big argument to distract him from the rotten feelings he's having. If it's 'my' fault he feels bad, he is deflected from the thought that there's something wrong with him. By making me wrong, he doesn't have to wake up to himself.

Even though you haven't been together for 10 - 11 weeks, your fella has still been using you to manage his emotions. In my opinion, all the 'I love you but... .' stuff - it's b*llocks. I don't think any of us want to see it, but our BPD partners don't 'love' us no matter what they say. They simply need us and don't know that there's a difference. And they hate us because they need us because that gives us power over them and they want the power, so they reclaim it through abuse and rejection... .

During the clinging stage of my last recycle, my BPDxbf told me that when we are apart he tells himself he doesn't love me and we are not meant to be together. I think this is probably the first time he has told me the truth about what he really feels for me. If he loved me and not simply what I do for him, he would have known that I've been studying French for the last 6 months, he'd have known that I am a group facilitator - because he would have shown some interest in me and what's important to me. Love is surely about who the other person is. If who they are is irrelevant, then surely anyone will do. And I think that we are just anyone to them which is why we can be replaced so quickly. It is all about managing emotions, soothing, helping them get through life by finding someone else to blame for their own unhappiness.

I understand that you are miserable and alone. I'm having to face that too. 3 days ago I was terrified, but the terror has passed now. No matter how much he protests he loves you, you know that his actions contradict his words. Words are cheap. Words are meaningless unless backed up by evidence. Look for the evidence and then decide. If nc is winding him up, then check out the articles on here about how to bore the pants off your ex so he goes away... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

How are things with you are your mum?

Lifewriter x

[sindoren]

Hello there,

Other posters gave you great advice.  Even though I have no experience with BPD partners, I'll throw in my two cents.

First, it looks like you know deep down it's over with your ex for good.  I don't know your history, but you've mentioned multiple break ups - this is another sure sign the relationship is over.

If you want to stay broken up, you need to cease all contact and take necessary steps to block him so he can't contact you.  You can let him know quite simply not to contact you anymore, and leave it at that.

Second - don't ask him anymore if he's seeing someone, or where he's going.  It's none of your business, and neither is it his business whether you're seeing someone or not. 

You guys are not friends anymore, with the no contact rule. At this point it's not possible for you to be friends with him - he simply won't give you the space and will continue to seek to control you.

The only way for you to get the peace you want is if you stop talking to him.  You don't need his emotional blubber when you have your ill mother to look after - notice how it's all about him - even as he's offering supposed advice to help you cope with your mom.  I feel he's doing that to get you to depend on him, a little bit like emotional blackmail by trying to be the knight in the silver armor - he's manipulating your feelings.

I know this is super tough, but hang in there.  Have you considered finding a therapist?  A therapist could be useful in helping you recover from this relationship.  Remember - you are broken up now, you have zero obligations to him now.  Look after yourself, you deserve that!

[Larmoyant]

Thank you all so much for your responses, but I’m really not handling any of this very well. I am feeling extremely down right now, confused and vulnerable. I actually feel like he’s emotionally torturing me.

He’s been sending me texts ‘pleading’ with me to tell him how my mum is. He doesn’t know her at all and my therapist says he’s using this as a way in and said I had no obligation to talk with or tell him anything. I found it a struggle not to answer as I felt it was cruel, but at the same time I need to start putting my feelings first. Any contact with him usually ends with me feeling wretched and that’s exactly what I feel like right now.

He phoned yesterday (from private no) asking about my mum. It ended badly. This morning he sent me a text which caused me further sadness and confusion. This was it:

“We had some good times. I usually remember the arguments. We had a close connection. I remember lying in bed talking. Fred (his dog) looked for you in the morning til recently. He did today. All the best”.

I really don’t understand what it is he wants from me. It seems as if he still wants me, but also doesn’t want me so I asked him. “What do you want from me?”. His response:

“I want to be there for you when you need me and will be”. He then went on to blame me for several things then ended it with, “You finished when I was unwell. Not much I can do. I think I’m mourning us. How is your mum?”

I basically responded thanking him for the offer of support, that I don’t want to be friends and that I was not willing to stay in contact with him whilst he grieves our relationship.

His response, “It appears you just want away. You said to me about your ex when he asked you about reconciliation what about so and so when you didn’t want him back. I’ll take the hint”.

Wth! What hint? What's he going on about? I was as clear as crystal.  I don't want a friendship and I don't want to be his shoulder to cry on whilst he gets over me! 

I am in a heap crying. Does he want me or doesn’t he? What am I not seeing here? Sometimes he seems to trigger my hope that we could work this out. It’s like I have a chance to work things out with him, but then I don’t. Is he playing games with me?

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, he's playing games with you by offering you a crumb to see if you'll take it.

Suggest you beware of the F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt) that he is using to manipulate your emotions.  Seems to be working, too, if you're in a heap crying.

Your T is on target:

He doesn’t know her at all and my therapist says he’s using this as a way in and said I had no obligation to talk with or tell him anything.

Yet he's turning it into an obligation (part of F-O-G) in order to get to you, so tread carefully hear, Larmoyant.

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Larmoyant,

I agree with LuckyJim comments, " He's playing games with you offering you a crumb to see if you'll take it". He's trying to entice you into recycle you to supply his needs. He is using all the BPD behavior that we read about all the time on this site. If you read it from our position, it's NOT about you, it's ALL about HIM!  As LuckyJim points out, it's the O in FOG to obligate you to responding to his request. So many things here are screaming BPD behavior to supply his needs and he's trying like hell NOT to loose someone who feeds his needs. Soo the choice is YOURS, always has been YOURS!

You said, "I was as clear as crystal.  I don't want a friendship and I don't want to be his shoulder to cry on whilst he gets over me!".  So if this is truly your desire, to move on, to heal, to get healthy, then you're telling us that it's time to go NC. You continue to answer his text, calls, etc. is this what you want to do? To feed his need? To continue down the path you're currently on?

If the answer is no, then you already know the answer of what to do, but I'll put it out there anyway. YOU need to go NC, you've already told him this. You need to first block his number then delete his number so you can't drunk or butt dial or text him. YOU need to stop answering "unknown numbers" when they call you. Delete any previous text or voicemails because this is unhealthy for your recovery.

We can't make this choice for you ... .we can only be there to support you in whatever decision you make and want to pursue. Again, the choice has always been and will always be YOURS!

I wish you mum a speedy recovery too.

J  

[sindoren]

Keep posting here and going to your therapist (sorry, I didn't catch the part where you already had one).  You are not alone!

No contact is a tool you use to disengage and get the space you need to heal.  It's not a tool to get exes to come back, or to hurt them.

I hate to say this, but this will continue for as long as you let it.  Nothing you do or say will get him to leave you alone.  It's up to you whether you use NC or not.

If you do decide to go NC, you need to block him because he has so far not honored your requests.

[Larmoyant]

Thank you and I'm sorry for not responding sooner again. I'm a mess. I'm afraid I'm in tears again because I do feel so alone. Apart from my therapist there is no one around who can really understand what it's like trying to break away from a seriously disturbed person who has ruined my life. I'm trying to break away from someone that I still love and it hurts. It makes no sense because of all the pain he's inflicted, but I am still attached in some sort of traumatic way. Perhaps that's why I couldn't use nc properly.

He has been playing with me like a little mouse and the break up has been just as bad as the relationship had been.The word 'manipulation' immediately springs to mind. He's tried to recycle, and tried many different ways, but I was strong this time. I recognised what he was doing or at least I thought so. The last thing he tried was my mum's illness. I didn't want to believe that someone could use this as a way to manipulate another, but I took notice when my therapist warned me because there really doesn't feel like there's much of me left and I can't risk going down anymore. I'm seriously depressed and have to try to take care of my beloved mum. She's has a terminal illness and I just can't imagine my life without my mother in it.

I've managed to keep my head above water this time, but it hurts so badly. A part of me wants to go running back to him even though nothing will change. He has left me alone now since I told him that I won't be friends or help him mourn me. He went from trying to get me back to dating someone else in such a short space of time and then wants to be friends with me! My mind is spinning and it all hurts so much. I don't think he'll be back anymore so the full force of it all has finally hit me I think. I'm grieving the loss of someone who kept hurting me over and over. It doesn't seem to make sense that I can feel so bereft, but I do. I'm probably on the wrong board now. I've been switching from this one to the detached board as a result of all the push/pull during the break-up! Sometimes I think that my life is over and I'm never going to be able to get back up, but I'm not giving up. Not yet.

[JQ]

hello Larmoyant,

Sending lots of hugs your way         I know it's tough, I know your hurting, we've all been there. But know it will get better.

You have so much on your plate with your mum being sick and then add to that the break away from your exBPD. But you're moving in the right direction, small short baby steps BUUT you're moving in the right direction.   

Never apologize for not responding sooner then you do. WE ALL KNOW you have so much going on at home, we're here for you when you're ready and have the time.  Take a deep breath Larmoyant ... .go ahead do it now ... .I'll wait.     We all see a change happening within you, I really hope you see it too. You recognize he is manipulating you and trying to recycle you yet again.  You're seeing all his recycle attempts, this is a positive thing 

You feel the same thing we do about our exBPD r/s. Just today I wanted to call her, text her to see how she's doing, maybe just maybe ... .AND THEN I take a deep breath and ask myself what the hell was I thinking?  And anything I was thinking about reaching out to her is gone. I remember the chaos, the turmoil, the lies, the cheating, the recycle after recycle of projection, blaming me for everything, the push/pull, gas lighting, and the list goes on. Then I remember how I felt every time we split up, and then I asked myself what the hell was I thinking.  Then I did the following and would suggest it again for you. Block his number then delete it among the other things we've all suggested that you do to help you heal and move forward.

I went for a walk to clear my mind and walk off some stress. I double up on my melatonin to help me sleep better. I look myself in the mirror and told myself, " NEVER AGAIN" will I let her affect me like that again!  YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER!  So STOP thinking that!  Concentrate on YOU and spending some quality time with your mum. 

Your time with your mum is limited and you should concentrate on having all the good times you can with her. This will help you in so many ways. If you're spending quality time with her and only good things & memories will come from this. Then you're less likely to think about your exBPD.  You can concentrate on getting some good quality sleep, although it might be limited because your taking care of your mum, what sleep you do get will be more restful. Take naps when you can and don't feel guilty for doing it. Look at it as taking quality time for yourself, trust me, naps are a VERY good thing.

If you need to talk to someone, like I said come here to the group and reach out.  Or you can call a friend you haven't talk to & have some tea with them. 

YOU are doing really well Larmoyant!  You're moving forward, small baby steps but you're still moving forward. Sometimes it feels like your up to your knees in mud, but we're here to help pull you along until you're back on dry ground again and able to continue your journey on your own. We won't give up on you!  Don't you give up on YOU!

J

[LingeringNoMore]

What do YOU want to see happen?  What is the right path for YOU? 

LuckyJim

Those are truly the questions, LuckyJim.  I am lucky LMN having severed my relationship with my h w/uBPD now my ex.  The relationship was six+ years in which what I wanted got stifled and my path became covered with weeds.  He is not a bad person.  He didn't do this maliciously, he just does not have the skills to empathize and care about another human being.  He did everything he could think of to try to make me happy but he forgot to ask me what I wanted. 

FREEDOM!

So sweet.

[LingeringNoMore]

... .our BPD partners don't 'love' us no matter what they say. They simply need us and don't know that there's a difference. And they hate us because they need us because that gives us power over them and they want the power, so they reclaim it through abuse and rejection... .

... .If he loved me and not simply what I do for him, he would have known that I've been studying French for the last 6 months, he'd have known that I am a group facilitator - because he would have shown some interest in me and what's important to me. Love is surely about who the other person is. If who they are is irrelevant, then surely anyone will do.

... .No matter how much he protests he loves you, you know that his actions contradict his words. Words are cheap. Words are meaningless unless backed up by evidence.

Lifewriter x

Ah these words resonate!

[LingeringNoMore]

Blessings and prayers, Larmoyant.  Everything will be okay.  Illigitimi non Carborundum.

[Lucky Jim]

Glad to hear those questions resonate for you, LNM.  I can appreciate how one can get stifled and lose one's way in the throes of a BPD r/s.  I forgot who I was for a while there, which was not fun, believe me.  I walked on eggshells for years and agree that it's feels good to be free from that stress.  LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

Thank you so much JQ. I really appreciated your words and LNM 'Illigitimi non Carborundum' made me smile, that's if I remember what it means correctly! I'm moving back over to the detaching board now and feeling sad, but resigned to it. I am determined to pull myself out of this. See you over there.