My mind shifts constantly

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think it is a decision of boundaries. In a dating relationship, I would be OK for a while with ambiguity, but eventually a relationship tends to take a direction, even if that means staying ambiguous. What would not be OK for me is zero communication. I would accept it if a guy said to me " I am not ready to commit and I think we should see others" or " I think we should take a break" . This, at least would let me know where we were. I would not be OK with him disappearing and having NC.

I understand that this kind of communication isn't easy for someone with BPD. I think how much we can tolerate this is different for each of us.

What we can do is determine our boundaries over this. Do I accept this kind of relationship or not? When is enough enough? How long do I tolerate this? This part is about us, not the other person. We can also choose to let them take the lead- to be in a relationship with them when they want it, on their terms. We can also choose our terms, but we can not make their choices for them.

So for Davy's situation it is to - wait this out and see or Decide that he doesn't want to tolerate this and end the relationship, or decide to accept the relationship on her terms and there are possibly more that I am not thinking of at the moment.

[Notwendy]

I think it is a decision of boundaries. In a dating relationship, I would be OK for a while with ambiguity, but eventually a relationship tends to take a direction, even if that means staying ambiguous. What would not be OK for me is zero communication. I would accept it if a guy said to me " I am not ready to commit and I think we should see others" or " I think we should take a break" . This, at least would let me know where we were. I would not be OK with him disappearing and having NC.

I understand that this kind of communication isn't easy for someone with BPD. I think how much we can tolerate this is different for each of us.

What we can do is determine our boundaries over this. Do I accept this kind of relationship or not? When is enough enough? How long do I tolerate this? This part is about us, not the other person. We can also choose to let them take the lead- to be in a relationship with them when they want it, on their terms. We can also choose our terms, but we can not make their choices for them.

So for Davy's situation it is to - wait this out and see or Decide that he doesn't want to tolerate this and end the relationship, or decide to accept the relationship on her terms and there are possibly more that I am not thinking of at the moment.

[Davy]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this.

Today I'm still feeling pretty good. Have not been thinking about her so much anymore.

Instead of trying to decide to end the relationship or not I think I'm gonna see if I can let it go.

Like you suggested not put a time on it but end it or not when it feels right

[Davy]

Today marks 2 weeks of absolutely no communication from either side.

I still feel confident that it is time to break up.

If she really loved me she would have reached out by now.

On monday I'm going to change my fb status to single. Don't want to do this on valentine's day.

The thing I'm not sure of is should I also send a text to say goodbye and wish her well? I am not angry with her and truly hope she can find peace.

[Notwendy]

I think that is up to you, but again, to me, NC is not a situation where IMHO contact is obligatory. You can choose to just walk away without contact if you wish.

One thing I would be concerned about is that, sending an "I wish you well" message may not make it clear to her that it is over, if indeed it is. A message like that sounds like you are still thinking of her, and that may blur the boundaries.

I know this is just me, but I was certain it was over for me, and I had not heard from the person in 2 weeks, I would not want to make contact as I would not want to hear from them. But if I needed to be firm about the boundary, I might say " Hello, I have not heard from you lately and when we last spoke/texted (or whatever) the status of our relationship was unclear to me. I am contacting you to clarify that we are not in a relationship. It was nice to know you, and I wish you well, but I have decided to close this door and move on. "

Notice the focus of the message is my decision and it is not about the other person or blaming them.

That is how I would do it, and not by phone, but by message/text according to the NC. I imagine other posters would do it a different way, and you might not wish to do this. This is just my idea and your decision is what reflects you.

[Davy]

It is done.

I changed my fb status and texted her that I'm sorry it had to be this way. She would always have a place in my heart but this had to end.

To my surprise I got a very decent reply. She said I would also always have a place in her heart and she agreed this had to end.

I think my time here has come to an end.

Thank you all for helping me through this.

May you all find happiness

[Notwendy]

Hi Davy,

I have a wish for you as well. My wish is that you use this time, as a single man, wisely, and work on your own emotional growth. Being single is an opportunity to turn your focus back, on to you. It is said that we are attracted to, and attract people who match us in some way. You found yourself attracted to someone with whom you experienced emotional pain. Imagine if it didn't have to be this way.

Post break up is an emotionally vulnerable time. People who jump right away into another relationship without taking the time to heal, grow, and work on the issues in themselves that were part of the difficult relationship are at risk for repeating the same pattern, with someone else who has similar issues or possibly the same person should they reappear. The initial stages of a relationship are an emotional "high" that can mask the emotions of a break up and distract you from the personal work of growth.

This relationship may be over, but personal growth doesn't end. So, while this relationship with her may be over, you still have that relationship with yourself to work on