OK, as to the question of why not just listen.
To her, listening means I agree and do what she says.
So, if I sit through a tirade, use some active listening, but don't "admit" to being (fill in the blank) you get no "credit" for listening.
Plus you listened to a bunch of stuff that was horrible.
It has been a long time since I have tried that, but I have tried it enough in the past, that it is ineffective.
The basic premise of agreeing to disagree is not possible. It is for me.
She will say that I am being dishonest and lying. I will say that I have a different point of view.
Listening to her when she is regulated is just fine. Listening to her when she is dysregulated has less than 10% success. I don't have actual figures on that, but it gives you an idea of how effective it is. So, yes there were times that I could hang with it and it blows over, she calms and things somewhat improve, but not many.
FF
FF, I experience conversing with my uBPD/Nh *exactly* as you describe above. You put it so perfectly.
I pulled up your thread because H is unrelenting when dysregulated and we are talking about some issue, and about y months ago, when I attempted to leave the room, he blocked the door.
I subsequently grabbed the phone and said I'd dial 911 if he didn't let me out of the room and tho he did it was a very scary moment for me that changed forever how I viewed him and our marriage. I have since been very interested in learning how others handle similar situations where it comes to physical type boundaries (doors to create privacy and to disengage) so here I am.
It has taken me a long time to figure out that H has BPD and exactly what goes into all the crazy-making behaviors, and, how to put it all into words. So much of what we experience is SO confounding, don't you think?
I'm very sorry for what you've been and are going thru. ((hugs)). I have young ones too (boys 9 and almost 11) and know it is so difficult to deal with a PDSO when children are involved!
It seems you are compassionate and more than willing to do your part when trying to resolve issues and talk things out, but as they say, you can't reason with the unreasonable.
The thing that has helped me the most is my T helping me to see that I have more rights/legal rights than I realized in these kind of scenarios. The trick is to educate oneself on what those rights are.
Nearly everything I told my T about what my H would say or do, she said "He can't do that... .If he does, you can do this - or tell him 'such n such'-".
What I'm doing now as I prepare to tell him I want a divorce, is playing out/anticipating (each of the) the possible scenarios in my mind, researching my legal rights related to the scenarios, then coming up with exactly what I will say and/or do in these instances. I have felt so helpless, caught in what feels like catch22 situations, so my T has definitely helped me feel more empowered and hopeful.
I'm glad you are already on this track as I see you are seeking advice on the legalities of blocking your W from entering the room you're in. I'll be following that thread as well.
Something else that has helped me along the way is reminding myself that I would not tolerate this experience if I didn't have childre. I'd have left a long time ago, and that really says something, IMO. I gave this much more effort because we have a family now, but have come to see the children will ultimately be happier with a happier Mom, at least one stable home environment, and eventuallt perhaps, much healthier modeling where it comes to marital communication and relationships.
Blessings to you on this journey ~
HopefulOne 44
