Heart broken and confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been eye opening reading through the many posts and supportive response here.  I think it is time to seek some advice for myself.  my husband and I have been married for 11 years and together for almost 18.  We met when we were very young.  Throughout the course of our relationship he has had substance and mental health issues that have intensified over time.  Within the past three years in particular after the birth of our son his health and our marriage has spiraled out of control.  He uncovered his BPD tendencies through his own research and work with doctors and I have done what I can to support him in learning about his illness and my role in maintaining a healthy home. He has not had a consistent income for three years. It seems at this point that our efforts have not done enough to see us through to a healthier place.  We are now at the point where his episodes have resulted in calls to police and mental health hotlines. He will not include me in his health care because he doesn't trust my commitment to him.  Which is justified considering that we have openly discussed separating.  (However, He has other reasons for excluding me before). In his most recent episodes he flew into rages in front of our four year old son, which is a game changer for me.  I told him that we can not live together anymore in all of our best interest.  He left yesterday.  I am reeling because I feel as if I don't have a choice any longer.  I don't want our child growing up in an angry and abusive home.  There are many good times but I fear that the difficult times are just too damaging.  I want to show my husband empathy and give him support, but I need to maintain a healthy environment for myself and my son.   

[Matildanina]

It has been eye opening reading through the many posts and supportive response here.  I think it is time to seek some advice for myself.  my husband and I have been married for 11 years and together for almost 18.  We met when we were very young.  Throughout the course of our relationship he has had substance and mental health issues that have intensified over time.  Within the past three years in particular after the birth of our son his health and our marriage has spiraled out of control.  He uncovered his BPD tendencies through his own research and work with doctors and I have done what I can to support him in learning about his illness and my role in maintaining a healthy home. He has not had a consistent income for three years. It seems at this point that our efforts have not done enough to see us through to a healthier place.  We are now at the point where his episodes have resulted in calls to police and mental health hotlines. He will not include me in his health care because he doesn't trust my commitment to him.  Which is justified considering that we have openly discussed separating.  (However, He has other reasons for excluding me before). In his most recent episodes he flew into rages in front of our four year old son, which is a game changer for me.  I told him that we can not live together anymore in all of our best interest.  He left yesterday.  I am reeling because I feel as if I don't have a choice any longer.  I don't want our child growing up in an angry and abusive home.  There are many good times but I fear that the difficult times are just too damaging.  I want to show my husband empathy and give him support, but I need to maintain a healthy environment for myself and my son.   

[patientandclear]

Hi Matilda. You sound like a loving wife and mom. Many of us can strongly identify with the struggle you've been enduring.

You might read the posts of a member called Allibaba, who posted on what was then called the Staying board for quite a while before her marriage ended over similar issues, preeminently her decision not to let her son witness what was going on btwn her and her now exH with BPD. She is a very strong person and her journey may be comforting.

[Matildanina]

Thank you for the direction I will read her posts!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Maltildanina, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  I'm sorry to learn all that you've been through.  Is there something in particular that you are seeking our input on?  Are you thinking about leaving your H?  It can be hard to find the right path, I know, in a BPD r/s.  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[Matildanina]

I suppose I am just looking for some clarity and direction.   I very much want my marriage to survive but it has gotten to a place where I feel like I am sacrificing my sons and my own well being if I continue to try to see it through.  Not to mention the enormous rift that exists in our relationship due to dishonesty and verbal abuse.  I feel like I do understand and recognize the toll his illness takes on his life and ours, I want to be empathetic but I feel like my codependency just keeps me in a never ending cycle.  Hope is not enough has never made more sense to me than it does now.  The good times are all I could ask for but the bad times have undermined the core of us.  Is this a feeling that many can relate to?  I know that the best path might never be obvious, but the pain of losing all of the wonderful things about my marriage makes it difficult to truly let go.  I feel like we lose no matter what. 

[Matildanina]

My gut says it has got to stop ... .And that history is the greatest predictor of what is to come.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Matildanina, I hear what you're saying.  A BPD r/s takes a toll, and the price is high.  Yes, it is a cycle.  That you recognize it means that you can break the cycle.  Right, the bad times undermine the core, and love disappears, in my view.  I disagree that it's a lose/lose proposition, though you may have to undergo short-term pain in exchange for long-term happiness.  I can't tell you what to do, and everyone has to find their own way.

To paraphrase Dante, I came to a point in my life where I was lost in a dark woods with no clear path out.  In Greek mythology, Theseus find his way out of the Cave of the Minotaur by following the thread that he unwound on his way in.  In similar fashion, I suggest that one needs to pick up and follow the threads of one's life, in order to emerge from the BPD cave.

Sorry if this sounds sort of mystical, but it's the best way I can describe it.

Keep listening to your gut feelings, which often are more insightful than the chatter in our minds.

LuckyJim