Do we feel sorry for BPD individuals who are causing us grief?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is it appropriate or necessary to feel sorry for the BPD person? They cause so much grief, friction, havoc, anxiety in others... .can they help it?

Are they responsible for some/ all of their negative actions?

If someone with schizophrenia creates havoc, I guess we would be upset but consider the extenuating circumstances. I'm not sure where to come down on this question with the BPD individual- so much of what they do is just ugly/ nasty/ vicious, and they seem otherwise functional.

What do you think?

[Florida]

Is it appropriate or necessary to feel sorry for the BPD person? They cause so much grief, friction, havoc, anxiety in others... .can they help it?

Are they responsible for some/ all of their negative actions?

If someone with schizophrenia creates havoc, I guess we would be upset but consider the extenuating circumstances. I'm not sure where to come down on this question with the BPD individual- so much of what they do is just ugly/ nasty/ vicious, and they seem otherwise functional.

What do you think?

[Turkish]

Is it appropriate or necessary to feel sorry for the BPD person?

I think this depends upon the relationship, how much contact you have and the like. In some cases, maybe empathy would be better.

How can we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

They cause so much grief, friction, havoc, anxiety in others... .can they help it?

Are they responsible for some/ all of their negative actions?

I've found this discussion, hosted by a recovered person with BPD, helpful in understanding what drives disordered thinking and actions. I believe that we all are responsible for our actions, even the mentally ill. A pwBPD doesn't always have the emotional toolbox from which to draw to have empathy towards others. For example, my Ex only really empathized with me being abandoned after her inner mind tormented her so much with guilt that she was hurting beyond her ability to self-soothe or cope. That's when she finally reached out to me: when she was hurting. I gifted her forgiveness. It doesn't mean that I trust her. That's a boundary.

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

If someone with schizophrenia creates havoc, I guess we would be upset but consider the extenuating circumstances. I'm not sure where to come down on this question with the BPD individual- so much of what they do is just ugly/ nasty/ vicious, and they seem otherwise functional.

Sure, there are extenuating circumstances. However, this doesn't result in the behaviors being any less hurtful, or even dangerous in some cases. Being empathetic doesn't mean that we need to put up with abuse. In cases where there is no contact (due to emotional or physical danger), then the empathy is something we need to process ourselves as appropriate.

[Rock Chick]

I agree with one my fellow forum members I too think and believe that we are all responsible for our actions even those who are mentally ill. However I also think some of the mentally ill (my bf's mother who is severely BPD amongst other things) don't take responsibility for their words actions etc. and place their words and actions onto other ppl and blame them for the things that they (mentally ill) did. So it's def. tough but I suppose we have to try to have empathy and as others said we dont have to put up with the abuse.

[Florida]

Yes, I am trying to decide whether they deserve empathy.

Certainly we victims of their nasty behaviour don't receive any.

And that's right, the most maddening situation is when the BPD relative blames you for their own bad behaviour!

But perhaps having a modicum of empathy benefits us the victims, by allowing us to forgive, or at least understand a bit... Certainly anger doesn't feel good.

Thanks for the link to the BPD behaviour ifo.

[Please help]

This is a tough one. I think we are by nature enablers. We have been doing since we could talk. Understanding the people in our lives have an illness and this is the cause of the problem is good and healthy.

Feeling bad for some of these people after all the grief? That is unhealthy and not the way to heal.

[AndrewS]

We may become enablers once we have been manipulated but how were we to know what was in store. It's easy to talk about enabling or codependency after the fact but most of our behaviors with a non BPD person would just be normal caring. We get sucked in so cleverly and slowly that if you have never been involved with BPD before you are almost always screwed. However, in my case I feel deep sadness for my expwBPD because she doesn't experience so much of life positively. I take some comfort in knowing that is her normal though and to some extent she doesn't know what she Is missing. Not blissful ignorance but hopefully not always painful. I love her and the daughter that I took on very much and am at last resolved to be NC for good. Hard but best for everyone in the end.

[Notwendy]

I think it depends on the situation. I do think that empathy is better. Certainly, my BPD mother has caused me a lot of grief. However, most of the time was when I was a child, dependent on her. Now, she is an elderly widow and I am an adult. With lots of work on boundaries and co-dependency- I don't feel as emotionally upset around her. When I was a child, I had to obey her, out of fear. I was completely dependent on her. Also, if she was angry at me, she would enlist my father to her side as well. Now though, I don't have to fear her anger.

I don't want to be an enabler, and I have to have boundaries about how much time I spend with her. Being co-dependent, I know that it is hard for me to not fall into a caretaking pattern. However, I know that this is my boundary to keep. I can feel sad for her mental condition, but I can not fix it.

Depending on the situation, some of us need more or less distance. But I think we can work on our issues in these situations. I also think it helps to see things from their point of view, as it helps with forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, or saying what happened was OK. It wasn't OK. Forgiveness is us deciding to let go of the resentments for our own peace of mind - and we can do this over time.

[Changed]

My husband's mood changes very quickly, sometimes I don't see it coming.  For example, this weekend we actually had a nice time together, spent the day helping my parents, eating lunch etc. We get home he takes a shower and comes out quiet and withdrawn.  I have seen the switch over a million times in the last 28 years, but didn't ever really see it if you know what I mean until the last few years.  I tried to talk to him about the change I seen, asked him if he was ok, asked him if he felt like he was having a moment and needed to talk about it.  He did his normal, I am fine, nothing is wrong, why do you think you know me so well... .I spent the next 2 hours walking on egg shells.  Then the moment we are alone (that's when he usually does it) he comes to me and says I am confused, you confuse me with your actions and that is what is bothering me.  I said I don't understand we had a great weekend, everything was fine up until you took a shower I don't know what could of "changed" during your shower.  He laid guilt trips on me got me to the point I started crying and I asked why do you keep doing this?  I just don't understand?  Then he stated he was sorry he didn't mean to upset me, that he is the one that is F***ed up and I can't take it personally.  He said he can't help himself, it just happens.  But does it?   How can I not feel like it's my fault when he revolves his happiness around "me", it's my responsibility in his eyes.  But, nothing I do is enough he will only want more.  I have stayed with him due to feeling bad for him, wanting him to learn to enjoy life, due to fear, hope and guilt I stay.  But anymore I want to scream at the top of my lungs at him.  When he is "spying" on me, does he know what he's doing?  When he belittles me?  when he denies he said or did something and It's my issue?  I have tried understanding, I have tried empathy etc. but then he just expects more more more until I am left completely drained.  It's a vicious continuing circle  :'(

[Notwendy]

One thing to keep in mind is that having empathy or sympathy does not mean we are responsible for their issues. It is frustrating to be blamed for someone else's feelings. I grew up with this pattern as a kid. I was expected to behave in a way that would not upset my mother and was used to being blamed for her "moods".

I also understand this pattern in marriage. If we grow up with this, it is natural to assume this role in relationships with people who tend to project their bad feelings on others. (The boards dealing with relationships discuss this situation. ).

With some personal work, I have been able to see what are my feelings ( and responsibilities) and what are not my feelings - mom, ( or a spouse) blaming me for their moods. It took a while to do this, after all, it seems new and different if we didn't grow up that way.

I do think this helps to be able to be empathetic- to see that they are in distress while also being able to see that we are not responsible for it. This is a boundary that we didn't get to develop well in childhood, but we can do it as adults