Need support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I hadn't talked to my pwBPD for about 11 days since I told him that his marriage (not being as separated as I thought he wa) was very painful to me. I started getting clarity and feeling better. Even if he left his wife/got his life in a semblance of order/still wanted me, it would never work out because he could split me black, drop me and call someone else. I couldn't live like that.

Anyway Yesterday I was upset about something else and called him. Very short but very sweet conversation. He picked up the phone immediately and told me he really missed me. Also told me he was driving to his wife's that night to deal with financial and family issues. I couldn't talk so I told him to call me from the car (long drive).

He didn't! I should have known better. Now I feel terrible, such shame for calling him (and breaking my boundaries). I feel sucked backed into the FOG and anxiety (although I did it to myself). I thought I could handle it but I am incredibly hurt by this enmeshed relationship with his wife. I know he means what he says in the moment but can feel differently two hours later. My heart is not aligned with my head. I probably do not even like him when he is not mirroring me... .How can I disengage? Also why do I feel such shame and grief -- just because he didn't call?

[Narkiss]

I hadn't talked to my pwBPD for about 11 days since I told him that his marriage (not being as separated as I thought he wa) was very painful to me. I started getting clarity and feeling better. Even if he left his wife/got his life in a semblance of order/still wanted me, it would never work out because he could split me black, drop me and call someone else. I couldn't live like that.

Anyway Yesterday I was upset about something else and called him. Very short but very sweet conversation. He picked up the phone immediately and told me he really missed me. Also told me he was driving to his wife's that night to deal with financial and family issues. I couldn't talk so I told him to call me from the car (long drive).

He didn't! I should have known better. Now I feel terrible, such shame for calling him (and breaking my boundaries). I feel sucked backed into the FOG and anxiety (although I did it to myself). I thought I could handle it but I am incredibly hurt by this enmeshed relationship with his wife. I know he means what he says in the moment but can feel differently two hours later. My heart is not aligned with my head. I probably do not even like him when he is not mirroring me... .How can I disengage? Also why do I feel such shame and grief -- just because he didn't call?

[C.Stein]

Don't beat yourself up over this.  It is ok to have hope.  Thing is, until he finalizes his divorce and gets some semblance of stability in his life with respect to that it is probably best for you to step back and take care of yourself.  He needs to clean his house before he is ready to build a new one. 

The only thing you have control over is your own life and decisions.  Perhaps with some distance you can see more clearly what a relationship and future holds with him and if you want to walk that path or not.