My father suggested no contact as a way to deal with our problem

[Depression = 72% of members]

So yesterday my partner asked me if I was going to a deposition this week so I texted my dad and asked him. He called me Sunday after 9, my phone was in DND mode and he is not a favorite, so then he called me again yesterday and we talked for 15 minutes. Once again he managed to insult me, this time insinuating I didn't know how to negotiate and I should let my brother do all the talking. Keep in mind I successfully divorced my husband, took full custody of our daughter, and enforced child support after 2 years of hearings. Once again I tried to point out to my dad that the way he was talking to me wasn't working for me and he suggested we not talk after this week's meeting as a way to solve our problem! I was really hurt he suggested this. I told him I would much rather have a peaceful relationship with him then money from my grandmother. I pointed out to him that we never do anything social together anymore, he doesn't make an effort to come see me.

My second to last therapist told me that if I wanted to have a relationship with my dad I had to be careful not to shame him (he's narcissistic, not borderline), and I have discussed that on this board before. I don't think I'm shaming him by telling him the way he is talking to me is hurting me.

I remember when I was a teenager I wanted nothing more then to get out of my parents house. Of course my dad didn't want me there either, it was a mutual thing. Today I am puzzled by the fact that I actually care what my dad thinks and that he actually has the capacity to hurt me.

I'm actually very hurt and confused.

I'm finding myself vulnerable in a  way that I wasn't vulnerable before, I guess.

I can't talk to my dad about that past because he'll accuse me of dwelling in the past and then he'll tell me that he and my mom don't live their life that way.

Oh and after the legal meeting I probably won't be able to talk about this issue, but I can still talk about the relationship dynamics. I really do not want to go to this legal meeting on Thursday. I really do not care about the money however since it involves my dad and my brother if I oppose it then I'll have to deal with them and I don't not care enough to oppose it, if that makes sense. I feel pretty miserable about this whole affair. Its kind of depressing.

[unicorn2014]

So yesterday my partner asked me if I was going to a deposition this week so I texted my dad and asked him. He called me Sunday after 9, my phone was in DND mode and he is not a favorite, so then he called me again yesterday and we talked for 15 minutes. Once again he managed to insult me, this time insinuating I didn't know how to negotiate and I should let my brother do all the talking. Keep in mind I successfully divorced my husband, took full custody of our daughter, and enforced child support after 2 years of hearings. Once again I tried to point out to my dad that the way he was talking to me wasn't working for me and he suggested we not talk after this week's meeting as a way to solve our problem! I was really hurt he suggested this. I told him I would much rather have a peaceful relationship with him then money from my grandmother. I pointed out to him that we never do anything social together anymore, he doesn't make an effort to come see me.

My second to last therapist told me that if I wanted to have a relationship with my dad I had to be careful not to shame him (he's narcissistic, not borderline), and I have discussed that on this board before. I don't think I'm shaming him by telling him the way he is talking to me is hurting me.

I remember when I was a teenager I wanted nothing more then to get out of my parents house. Of course my dad didn't want me there either, it was a mutual thing. Today I am puzzled by the fact that I actually care what my dad thinks and that he actually has the capacity to hurt me.

I'm actually very hurt and confused.

I'm finding myself vulnerable in a  way that I wasn't vulnerable before, I guess.

I can't talk to my dad about that past because he'll accuse me of dwelling in the past and then he'll tell me that he and my mom don't live their life that way.

Oh and after the legal meeting I probably won't be able to talk about this issue, but I can still talk about the relationship dynamics. I really do not want to go to this legal meeting on Thursday. I really do not care about the money however since it involves my dad and my brother if I oppose it then I'll have to deal with them and I don't not care enough to oppose it, if that makes sense. I feel pretty miserable about this whole affair. Its kind of depressing.

[Turkish]

I said this in your other thread, but failed to expand upon it: no matter what, he's still your dad, your only dad, and it's natural to desire a r/s. Like many of us discuss, these are the parents we have, rather than the ones we wish we had.

Personally, I'd be tempted to validate his wish. I was kind of at the same point 25 years ago. I was fed up. It may be easier to have compassion towards a depressive/BPD/PTSD person rather than a narcissist though.

What do you think about his wish to abandon his only daughter? Are you ok with it, for you, not to fix him?

[unicorn2014]

The plot thickens: it's my brother who's behind this not my father. My brother is super aggressive and super nasty and now I'm sure I want no part of this. I called and texted my dad tonight but he told me to call him in the morning. When my dad told me my brother was a better negioatator then me there was a reason I was upset. My brother doesn't negotiate, he takes hostages. If I didn't have a child I'd say count me out.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry, unicorn. Keep the r/s you desire most. I never had a dad, and I'm a dude, and I can only imagine how it must feel to be jerked around like that, and conflicted regarding a father-daughter r/s.

It's pathetic when families turn upon each other when it comes to situations like this. I've seen it too much in familes that I know, and the high-conflict (and often greedy) personalities cause so much unnecessary drama.

[unicorn2014]

Thanks Turkish, my dad has not returned my call or text so I hit the nail on the head and now I have to deal with this situation. I'm really not interested in participating in my brother's desire for equality. My brother definitely has a high conflict personality. He has a visual impairment that prevents him from seeing the visual clues on people's faces so he's developed a very aggressive personalty and my parents have done nothing to stop it. Whenever I try to talk my dad about my brother he makes excuses for him because of his impairment. I'm not looking forward to this meeting.