Ending a marriage with a BPD

[lingering]

Hi,

I have been married to my husband for just over 6 years.  The relationship has been difficult from the start... .many rages, tears, etc.  I am just tired.  The latest rage came from feedback I gave him about how I feel when he does certain things.  There was rage, then there was silence that lasted all night into this morning, then there was "is anything wrong?".  Then, there was rage, silence, tears again.  

I am worn out.  I need to leave.  He always threatens suicide and has attempted 7+ times before I met him.  It hurts so much to live with him and with all the denial and anger and control that I almost don't care.  

I want his highest happiness.  I wish I wasn't the one to hurt him but we have been hurting each other for 6 years and so it appears that I will.  

I just need advice.  What to do about the suicide threats?  I guess, ultimately, if he chooses that then he does.  i wish I didn't care.

Really hope to hear from someone.  Any information/experience/help would be so valued.

Thank you

[Turkish]

Hello lingering,

Dealing with suicide threats is nerve-wracking to say the least. Though you aren't suicidal, have you thought about callng a local hot line? They may be able to give you advice on how to handle this, because it sounds like you are isolated, and this burden you don't have to share alone.

We have some info here which may help:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Overall, how do you feel about your personal safety, are you safe? What happens during the rages?

Turkish

[lingering]

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for your insight and for reaching out.  I will go look at the suicide info - hadn't seen that yet in my visits to the site.  Thank you! 

I am very safe.  He is an odd bird, he rages at others, threatened others early in our life together but has never every done it to me.  He just plays me with tears.  The rages are slamming doors, storming out of the house, going in and out.  It is sort of this silent rage thing.  It makes my stomach HURT and has silenced my voice for the most of our 6 years together. 

Thanks again!  This is such a relief to know there is information and help here!

[ForeverDad]

Whenever I make a brief comment on suicide threats, it's very basic... .Suicide threats are usually either (1) serious feelings or (2) attempts to control or manipulate.  Best to let emergency responders figure it out.

While meds can help, the real fix is intensive therapy to retrain his thinking:  Will the person "Let Go" the Denial and Blame-Shifting?  Will the person look within himself also rather than always manipulate, poor mouth himself, blame and shift blame?  Will the person seek therapy such as highly recommended Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)?  Will the person stick with it long term and diligently apply it in his or her life, thinking and behaviors?

As for your overall family dysfunction and distress, you've done what you could, no doubt for years.  However, he still has the same issues.  The big question is, will he make positive changes as outlined in the paragraph above?  How you decide which path to take in your life hinges on whether he will improve — or not — within a reasonable period of time.  We can allow time for the pwBPD (person with BPD) to changes paths, such as starting and sincerely applying therapy.  Now that you have the problem identified (BPD behaviors) will this information make you want to give him a little time to start therapy?  That doesn't mean he gets another 6 years or he may just dabble in therapy and get nowhere.  Once you determine whether he will make the effort to substantively improve or not, then you can make your own decision about where the relationship goes from there.

Do you have children?  As wonderful as children are, having children in a troubled marriage usually makes everything much more complicated.

Please browse our site and participate.  You can read others' experiences and suggestions.  You can ask questions and get replies sharing what worked for us as well as what turned out to be wasted efforts.  We have lessons on communication methods that are more likely to work with your spouse.  Also lessons on coping and recovering from exposure to BPD.

[believer55]

Hi lingering... .firstly good luck with your decision making. I am currently feeling the same way... .just so damned tired and mentally fatigued. I have tried to stand by him... .but the rages still come. Less frequent now but the last was a doosie. He has told me not to worry about the hurtful things he said. He didn't mean them and now he wants things to go back to normal. He can't seem to grasp that years of this has had a terrible impact that won't go away overnight.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Hi, you're in a serious situation, but, not alone.  I have been unhappily married for 18 years to uBPDw.  It has been a tough road.  I will say that living with someone who is abusive (in a manipulative, withholding, silent way, as well as rages, and tantrums, and drastic blaming) makes the partner crazy, hurt, or abusive themselves. 

I have spent a lot of work climbing out of my own problems from my marriage.  I'm just offering this to give you a perspective to think about.  Every situation is unique.  There's no line in the sand that means you should leave a marriage, except maybe really dangerous or harmful abuse, but if it was that obvious you would not be conflicted.  It's a tough decision.  I have decided to just go for short term steps.  I try to make it today, then this week, without sliding back into sadness or playing into her crazy.  I have gotten better myself through learning to not trigger and engage her.  Therefore, she has gotten better - with fewer rages and she might even be more responsive to others' needs. 

I know it sounds like the victim is taking responsibility for the abuse, which is not the intent, but, we do live in the world we create. 

Best wishes on this journey.

[lingering]

Oh HELP! 

The craziness is so painful.  So, I made my decision.  I need to leave... .I can't continue with the pattern.  I felt strong.  I talked openly with him about it.  He says he understands... .he won't hurt himself.  Lots of tears.  I witnessed them and didn't do my part of the crazy-game which soothes and returns to the uncrazy state for a while... .I spent the day with a girlfriend - actually drove 3 hours away to pick her up after surgery.  We (she and I) had a big talk.  I came home to him gone.  His vehicle is here.  His dog is here.  There are pages of writing of him trying to figure out how he is going to live on his measly income and my heart is aching with pity.  I want to rescue again.  I want to help him not go to the crazy place of extreme (sell everything but clothes and truck, by a camper, be homeless).  WOW.  I see this as the same drama all over again.  My intention is to stay detached and serious about us splitting... .but I don't want to just abandon him.  Is it okay to help him problem solve some solutions?  Is that just returning in a different way to the same old problem? 

This site is huge.  I need to know what to do to be firm, clear and lovingly detach.  I love him.  I can not and will not keep living with him. 

[Turkish]

He's going full waif (abandoned child) here. pwBPD suffer from severe abandonment issues. This doesn't mean that you don't have a right to keep yourself safe, but it's helpful to know where he's coming from.

There's a lot of hurt and pain here on both sides; his driven by past pathology, and yours by proxy in a sense based up how he's acted. Have you looked at the lessons to the right of the board?

Stopping the bleeding s a good first step to reduce drama or conflct. Given his history of extreme acting out, your worry is understandable.

Stop The Bleeding

I sense that you still care about him, despite the frustration and anger.  Working on reducing the current conflict by using the validation tools can help in the sort term to perhaps calm hightened emotions.

[lingering]

Thanks Turkish - setting out to learn the validation tools next.  Yes, I love him dearly.  Yes, he is definitely being the injured waif.  I can be strong when I am w ith him, tell him I love him but our love is too painful.  He gets it, seems to accept.  Then I went to a 12 Step meeting and my sponsor gave me a hug and then I was the one weeping like a baby. 

Validation tools!

Thanks so much!

[Turkish]

You said earlier:

Is it okay to help him problem solve some solutions?

My short response is, of course it is  

Boundaries, however, and keeping yourself healthy are also paramount.

If you do leave, I still get the feeling that you may have so.e type of relationship... Learning more about BPD to understand where he's coming from can help you meet him "at his level" so to speak. I'm glad that you have outside support, too, so you aren't so isolated. We will support you, but those real life hugs are very important  

Please ask any questions you may have regarding the tools, and keep us updated.

T

[ForeverDad]

What was his life before you entered his world?  Did he have previous wives or GFs?  What's been mentioned here from many is that often there was a series of prior relationships.  And when their relationship ended then the partner with BPD (pwBPD) quickly found another relationship.

I don't know specifically what would happen if you ended the relationship, Let Go and Moved On, but it's possible his current catastrophizing attitude would morph into seeking his next enabling relationship.  I use the word enabling because, looking back, we innocently enabled the behaviors and dysfunctional relationship to a greater or lesser extent.

Sadly, you can't live his life for him.  Without meaningful therapy applied in his life he will likely never improve.  You're too close emotionally for him get past the emotional baggage of the relationship to listen and work on himself.

Dr Joe Carver, a clinical psychologist, has some nice articles on Controllers, Abusers and Users.

www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm