Is there any way to get "ahead" of a restraining order filing? ... .There is a decent chance that my wife has been planning to get rid of me for a while. There has been lots of button pushing going on for a while, most of which I have been able to respond to properly.
If you apply for an RO first?
Granted, your RO filing could be denied, just as her RO filing could be denied. So what would be the difference? If you file first then you probably would have a slightly better start in court.
My story... . My ex was becoming more and more paranoid about everyone "probably" being abusers. Not possibly, I asked and she held fast to "probably". Once she drove every one else away she started looking strangely at me. That's when I realized I was in danger of false but emotionally compelling allegations. I started recording. In one particularly intense incident she was making death threats. When I had opportunity to get to a phone, I called 911. By the time the police arrived, unsuccessfully tried to get our preschooler go to his mother (he was quietly sobbing in my arms, clinging to me like a tree frog) and so though I was asked to "step away" they drove away without me since son was glued to me. Later she told me they gave her a DV pamphlet, clearly they defaulted to her. I didn't get one until I called for an officer to listen to the recording. To make a long story short, she had to face Threat of DV charges, that case was pending for months before it was eventually tried and dismissed. Meanwhile, since that court declined to deal with custody issues, she went to domestic court and file for a PO for herself and preschooler. At the first hearing CPS stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me so I was given an alternate weekend schedule and the case was dismissed (withdrawn) a few months later.
Anyway, my point is that (1) surprisingly she made no DV allegations against me, just child abuse ones. I think her being arrested for making death threats stopped her from claiming the same about me, clearly she wasn't afraid of me. Also, (2) it set the tone for the separation and later divorce. I started out with the home in the DV case and she never returned. While it didn't help much with the custody issues and didn't stop her endless stream of allegations I felt it was not as much of an "uphill struggle" as it could have been otherwise.
My feeling is that if you file for RO and divorce writing "last month she... ." or "last week she... ." then you might not get very much court intervention. Like emergency services, if it isn't ongoing or had recently happened then due to the timing of the report it has fewer chances of being seen as 'actionable'. Have the lawyer's paperwork ready and just fill in the blanks ASAP after an incident occurs. Or go to police or court to file for protection, again, ASAP.
A second issue is that without her parenting behaviors seen as bad then they may not connect the dots from bad adult behaviors to poor parenting behaviors. I think that was my problem, it took 8 years from date of separation for the court to apply "disparaging father" (at least six times in the latest order) to my ex. They saw the behaviors but were so reluctant to call her out, evidently expecting the conflict would fade away after each tweak of the order. So my advice to you is to
be sure to include any impact on the children when describing her actions. Were any crying? Hiding? Trying to intervene? If the children are present, be sure to mention clearly they were witnessing it all, etc.
Right now, if either of us filed, it would be in our old state.
Get legal advice on this but I wonder whether you would have to go back to the prior state for custody issues if less then 6 months in the new state. Perhaps it would only be if one or both of you did not want the new state to handle the case and forced a return to the prior state. If her family is in the new state, she may want the new state to handle the long-term issues of custody. Which state would be better for you?
I'm writing about the custody determinations. RO's would likely be handled where you now reside. Again, IMO and not a lawyer's opinion.
