Can you interpret this?

[Thunderstruck]

uBPDbm has a new female friend so she's in the "love-bombing" phase (or whatever that equivalent would be for a friend). I guess the friend has family in another state and convinced uBPDbm to go visit and move there. At first uBPDbm was completely on board, but then she started to waiver (Note: nothing has been said to us or SD11 about this).

This week uBPDbm was in the other state visiting. She lied to SD and us about the trip, claiming she was "working". She's currently unemployed and DH thinks she is living off her tax return.

Yesterday we got a message asking us to watch SD. She said she would be "stuck here late", trying to give the impression that she was working even though she was out of town. Then she asked to switch days and we said no. Her response was "Why do you act this way? It's not like I'm out on a date or having fun. I'm trying to make a better life for SD11."

So now I'm really worried that she's up there interviewing for a job and plans to take SD and kidnap her.

Am I being paranoid? Or was that just part of her trying to sell the lie that she was working?

[bravhart1]

DH have gone over this in detail with our L. IF BPDm kidnaps anybody, it isn't as easy as they or you think. You would get her back, and then BPDm would probably never get unsupervised custody again. So the way our L puts it to us is, IF that ever happens and he said and I quote, " if you were lucky enough to have her take SD without permission out of state to live, you would never have to deal with this woman again. She would have sunk her own ship permanetly. They rarely ever kidnap the kids, if they do, they lose forever after".

So IF she did that it's not all bad, except for the few hours or days of the trauma of it, which would pass, and SD isn't an infant so it would be ok.


But if she moves away and then can come up with the money to get a full custody evaluation for a move away permission, she would need to plan this about nine months ahead of when she wants SD, and she would have to show the relationship between SD and DH was minimal and not beneficial to SD on a daily or weekly basis, ( that would be hard) and we know that's not gonna happen.

So the long and short is I think that she can posture like she's moving, and maybe she will, but she won't end up taking SD with her for anything more than visits.

I know their erratic behaviour is troublesome but I think it's going to be okay. I'm learning to not worry so much, and let it all shake out before I get worked up. Frankly the wheels of any legal motion move so slow, and BPDms are so broke and disorganized and volatile, SD will probably be an adult before she could get it together to do it.

[Nope]

She was just trying to sell the lie and make DH feel bad. She's in a love bombing phase. I don't think she'll actually consider moving unless the friend pulls out all the stops to set absolutely everything up for her. She sounds pretty low functioning and it takes a lot of consistent effort to make a move like that work.

If she does kidnap SD11 then at least it seems you'll have a pretty good idea where the police can go to find her and then you'll never have to worry about 50/50 custody again.

[Thunderstruck]

I was thinking that if (and this is a big IF) the CE actually pulls through and gets us a report, then uBPDbm might be triggered enough to follow through with the move. She might also follow through if there was a guy up there that she was interested in. Money would be a big factor on her not going, but she probably has a few thousand right now from her tax refund burning a hole in her pocket.

We recently became friends with her baby daddy #1 (DH is her baby daddy #2 ). He's known her the longest, and his opinion is that she would go and just ditch SD11.

I don't think she would actually want SD with her, but she would take her just for the big expensive drama of it all. Then she can play the victim and make DH to be the bad guy, taking SD11 away from her.

Her lies are never outright lies, which is what is bothering me about her "I'm trying to make a better life for SD11." statement. They're usually near lies, or lies of omission. Anything that she can come back to later and explain away.

[bravhart1]

We interpret anything BPDm says as her not SD. For example, I'm trying to make a better life for SD= I'm trying to make a better life for BPDm.

[sanemom]

We interpret anything BPDm says as her not SD. For example, I'm trying to make a better life for SD= I'm trying to make a better life for BPDm.

Exactly!  I was thinking the same thing when BPD mom said that the boys' feelings were hurt about my FB posts--SHE was hurt.  What teen boy would even say that?

Back to this thread--from what you say of her personality, SD11 is too much work for her to take on full time.  I wouldn't worry until she gets older and is more self-sufficient.  And yes, the "kidnapping" would make her look bad, but sometimes I have seen it work in court.  Not trying to get you more anxious because I don't think that is what will happen here.

In fact, she isn't thinking through anything right now.  She is all in the moment, not thinking of the consequences at all.  And baby daddy#1 is probably 100% right--she will more likely impulsively ditch SD11 not even thinking.

Our BPD mom did this, too... .she was in town with the kids and randomly moved over 100 miles away.  DSD was 12 at the time and by the age of 15, she had totally forgotten about that (she argued with me that it never happened).  The abandonment WILL be painful for your SD11, and that is what I would be preparing for.

[Nope]

I agree with Sanemom about preparing to deal with a very hurt and confused abandoned child. That's the most likely scenario if anything comes of this at all. But I don't see anything coming of this unless there is a boyfriend involved. A new bestie won't be enough. A move like that will require resources BPDm  can only get from milking an already established SO.

Also, if you do make any progress with getting the custody order changed, expect to deal with full blame if she does just take off. She'll spin it to SD that she was chased away. In my own case the BPDm never wrote back to us after DH told her she's only getting two weeks this summer. I think she's secretly relieved.

[david]

If my ex said something like that I would interpret it as meaning, "you caught me and I feel guilty so I must turn things upside down to throw you off"

My ex also uses projection a lot.

[Thunderstruck]

If my ex said something like that I would interpret it as meaning, "you caught me and I feel guilty so I must turn things upside down to throw you off"

My ex also uses projection a lot.

uBPDbm was asking/demanding another weekend and we said no. Then we said that we were disappointed in her for lying to SD11. Her response: "I never lie to her. That's you. You're projecting again.". She's projecting that she's projecting! 

I guess I'll just keep an eye/ear out and see if I get any hints of her moving.

I agree, I think after the final order is issued from the judge (especially if it's in our favor) she will abandon SD almost entirely.

Last night DH tried to call SD for his nightly (court ordered) call. uBPDbm claimed she told SD to call and SD didn't want to. "I can't make her" and that she was busy enjoying the only night he "allowed" her to have.