How to tell him I am leaving?

[LilMe]

I am in the process of planning to leave my verbally abusive uBPD partner.  We have 3 young children.  I will know in the next week if I get a Legal Aid lawyer and the place I am hoping to rent.  I can start back at my old job whenever I am ready.  I think I am having lots of anxiety!  My head and chest hurt most of the time!

As my plans fall into place I am faced with how I am going to tell him.  He will react in anger and try to guilt me into staying.  I know I must be strong.  I am leaning towards having someone else present, but who?  I thought about going to our priest, but uBPD is blind and doesn't drive so we would have to ride together.  What would I tell him we were going for?  I also thought about having a friend come over, but he hates all my friends.  He has one close friend (that is a friend of mine too) that would work, but he is mentally unstable and not always available.  If he was available that would work, but what if he is not?  He has other friends who are my friends also, but he would be offended if I involved them.

And how will I get my things?  Everything I own is here in our home (that is legally owned by him).  I suppose I have to face the possibility of losing it all, but I hope he will let me pack up and take my personal belongings without involving the police.

I understand that you all cannot tell me what is right to do in my situations, but any suggestions or stories of how it went with you would be appreciated.  TIA!

[thisworld]

LilMe hi

It seems that lots of good things are going on in your life, like an emotionally safe place to live and having a job.  I have read in your post that you are a bit worried because your children may not have the opportunities they have in this place where you are growing your vegetables and they are closer to nature, but I believe that an emotionally healthy home will help them thrive regardless of physical circumstances.

So, the custody issue seems to be clearer to a degree, is it?

As for how to share your decision. What matters is your safety. You mention two sources of support there. Would your priest be able to visit you rather than yo visiting him? As for friends and family who may accompany you during this decision, this is about your safety, not about whom he likes or not. Your friend or family is there to help and support you. How do you see the balance between his feelings about your friends/family and your safety there?

[C.Stein]

Get all your ducks in a row before you have "the talk".  Know what you can legally take with you, have a place to live and ability to support yourself.  I second the suggestion by TW to ask the clergy to visit when you are ready.  Most clergy who function as counsellors will also travel when needed.

Most importantly take care of yourself.  I also had chest pains along with stroke symptoms due to anxiety, stress, etc ... .as a result of my relationship.  Try to find a place of calm within your mind that you can go to when feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

[LilMe]

Good thoughts to consider, thisworld, thank you.  I didn't want to involve 'his' friends, because he will hold it against me until the end of time  :'(  None of my friends or family will come near him.   I will talk to the priest and see what she suggests.  I do not particularly care for this priest, but uBPD has gone to her for counsel on our situation before, so I thought she might be someone he feels comfortable with.

I keep reminding myself that the children's (and my!) mental health is more important than the temporary loss of our healthful lifestyle.  They will still come back here for visitation.  If he is reasonable, he will let me take some of the food we have preserved, if not that is OK too.

C.Stein, I am currently working on my ducks  .  Things are starting to fall into place so I am starting to stress about the actual 'leaving' event.  I am normally an extremely calm person, but this is all putting me over the edge!  I am not used to anxiety at this level - just the normal BPD level ha ha.  I think if I can manage 9 unmedicated homebirths, I can use those skills to deal with this anxiety!  It just kind of came on without notice and I wasn't prepared.