Not certain what to think...

[confusedandangry]

First let me say thank you to everyone that has responded in trying to get me thru this... .you have been such a help... .I am still having my withdrawals, my crying, not sleeping, but I know I am going to get thru it because there are people out there that know what he'll I have gone thru and that I am not the insane one... .my question is about my counselor... .yesterday I saw her and it felt as if she didn't really care that my situation was with a BPD, that I should just get over it... .stop feeling sorry for myself and find me again... .she told me that it is not all BPD that leave relationships in unstable ways... .that mine was just toxic... .I know she wants me to focus on me, but it would have been nice if she could have answered some of my questions about why they leave and that it wasn't me... .especially since that is suppose to be someone I trust... .she told me she was happy I was out of the relationship because it was unhealthy... .I had spoken with her several times about what was going on inside the home... .it just seemed like she was annoyed that I was upset... .should I find a new counselor or give this more time?  I have gotten more healing and understanding off this site than I do with a trained professional... .she told me being on here is not healthy that I am prolonging my recovery... .but the only comfort I find is being able to share my story with you all... .I am grieving... .the wounds are still fresh... .I don't want her back... .I just want to heal... .

[steelwork]

I don't have advice, except to say that it seems to me 100% required that you trust your counselor. It sounds like maybe you don't. Have you had some explicit conversations with her about this?

But if the issue is that she doesn't want to diagnose your ex, that might not be such a problem. She wants you to focus on yourself. That seems right to me--if only because your ex is temporary in your life and you are permanent!

I'm often surprised by the advice people here report about getting from their therapists. It seems so specific and detailed. I'll relate my own experience and hope that will be helpful.

My therapist never answers questions like "do you think D has BPD or BPD traits?" Whenever I get into that kind of question, she brings it back around to me, or to other relationships I've had and steers the conversation to larger patterns or more immediate feelings rather than diagnoses. We talk about how experiences and relationships have shaped me specifically, and what my real emotions are. One of my main defenses, I've come to see, is turning the focus on other people through intellectualization and/or empathic force, so I often need to be nudged back to myself. It seems appropriate that she avoids diagnoses, even of me, because diagnoses can be personally distancing and clinical and can drown out personal experience. Also, she has pointed out several times that some therapists have affinities for certain diagnoses. Evidence (especially second-hand evidence) can be shoehorned into a diagnosis if it's one that particular therapist is comfortable with. This is far from an exact science.

That all may seem like a way of saying, "Forget about BPD," so why are we even here? I'm not sure how much longer I'll stay on this particular board myself, but it has helped me a lot. You can get support from a therapist AND from other sources. It helped me a lot to understand that there was another mind involved in my failed relationship, and that it did not behave like my mind. That's not about blame or pathologizing--it's about getting clarity and about forgiving myself. It's what I needed. You should decide if it's what you need.

I sense in what you wrote a frustration about the fact that she won't use her expertise to give you answers about your ex. I think that actually shows a degree of professionalism on her part. She can help you decide if you think things about the relationship were healthy, but really, she doesn't know your ex, so how can she diagnose? If she told you what to expect or how to interpret her past actions based on some specific disorder, she might be giving you bad advice.

I guess your counsellor has discouraged you from spending time on the site. She may not be that familiar with it. There are a lot of trashy BPD-focused websites out there where people whip themselves and each other up into attack mode, and maybe that's what she thinks this is. Maybe you could draw her out on that and ask her to explain her concern.

That's not a lot of concrete advice. Sorry. Just my thoughts.

[steelwork]

Ugh, I typed BPD instead of BPD like 8 times. Well, you know what I mean!