She gets out on Tuesday

[Slwinner]

My 18 year old BPD daughter gets out of residential treatment on Tuesday. Just typing that sentence makes me weak in the knees. She's been there for 75 days. She's supposed to go to a group home, kind of a halfway house. I have not heard from her all week so I don't even know if that's a solid plan. She wants to come home but I told her that can't happen. She needs to build on the little progress she's made and learn to live independently. I will support her from a distance.

She has made the last three years a living hell and I refuse to go back to that for my own sanity and the well being of my 14 year old son. She's abusive and destructive. She will not follow house rules and does as she pleases. She physically abused me and my son. She used drugs in my home and was arrested. She's been in jail twice. Oh and there is lots more. Nothing stops her. I just can't live with her again.

This group home is our only option. She was denied placement at all other facilities in the area because of her history of violence and her meds. She has bipolar disorder too and takes a lot of meds. No one is willing to take her because she takes an antipsychotic and has a history of instability. I found this unbelievable but it's true.

I have very little faith that she will be able to manage her life. Social media gets her in trouble. She finds bad men on the internet. The group home has some rules but not enough to keep her safe. But there is no other choice.

I have no family willing to take her in for the same reasons I won't let her come home.

I feel really guilty not letting her come home. I love her and have done everything in my power to help her but she won't help herself. She's been hospitalized 7 times, been in IOP 5 times and PHP twice. Nothing helps.

I tried to tell myself it's like she's going to college. She did not even graduate from high school. I washed all her bedding this weekend and stocked up on food for her. It's all packed and ready in the trunk of my car. My guess is she'll roll out of the treatment center with her belongings stuffed in garbage bags, clean and dirty clothes mixed together, anxious and defiant and will pick a fight with me on the way there. There will be no appreciation for the preparations I made for her. I will have purchased the wrong food, packed the wrong pillows, picked her up too late in the day. Pick a thing.

If she fails at this she'll end up homeless. Bringing her home is taking my own life in my hands. It's that serious. And I am alone in this. Her dad left because he can't deal with her. She lived with him for a week and the police were called. He's part of the problem and not part of any solution.

So the clock is ticking and my anxiety is growing.

Please pray this works out for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sluggo]

Slwinner,

Wow you are really going through some very difficult times.  I am sorry you have lived this for so long.  I have never been in your spot as a parent but I try to go by the adage that 'natural consequences are the best teachers and the most loving thing we can do for our children'.  If homelessness is the resulting consequence of her action then she is deciding that.  I would still love her but love does not mean enable -  just the opposite. 

You still have a son who is 14 that needs you. 

[DisneyMom]

I send my prayers for you on Tuesday. My BPDDD is 16. We're reporting her missing and calling police regularly, as she has been feeling entitled to live as an adult. I also have a 14 year old I need to keep a safe and secure home for. My BPDDD is so eager to turn 18 so I can't "tell her what to do" I think she will move out, and hopefully fall, but not too hard, but enough to realize that home is not such a bad place. And there is a reason we keep talking about high school completion and finding a job.

[Slwinner]

So less than 48 hours after my daughter was lucky enough to get a county grant to pay for 90 days in a group home she's done. She called me this morning and said she broke the rules and had to leave.

She had to go to court today so I told her probation officer the truth. She was kicked out of the group home. I don't know exactly why she was asked to leave because she would not tell me. All she said was I am ruining her life, am a control freak and she wants to die.

My daughter lost it in court, caused a scene, called me words I won't post here and the judge ordered her back into treatment.

She had a plan to run, wanted to go live it up and die. She said her life is not worth living anymore.

I am devastated and exhausted. She's safe for now and I am grateful. But what I lived through with her today was painful.  And it's not the first time. It's the hundredth time. I am done.

And I told the treatment center she was not ready to get out. And she's back. A big old I told you so. No one listens.

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry to hear this. 

It kindof seems like they set her up to fail by releasing her before she had solidified the skills she needs to cope and make wisemind decisions. 

How long was she there?  What kind and how much of therapy did she get?

Did they send her back to the same program?  What will be different this time?

So many questions. Sorry!

I struggled with when to let my d graduate from long term RTC.  It got complicated by the mean ugly $.  We made it clear from day 1 how long we could afford to pay the huge fees.  They let her stay an extra 2 weeks so that she could graduate during a scheduled ceremony.  In all reality she would have benefited from another month.  As a matter of fact, we did end up sending her back for 6 weeks when she stopped using her skills and was making poor choices.  That was a big wakeup call for her... .!  I hope the same is true for your d too.

lbj

[landslide]

Very sad to read your struggles, some of the most painful things a parent can go through.  I want to validate your decisions.  I can imagine being there someday- my daughter is 16 and has largely been getting worse over the years.  I have already envisioned having to someday tell her she can't live with me and know that that might mean she will be on the streets.  You are doing the most loving thing for her by not allowing yourself or your son to be abused.  You and your family are in my thoughts.   

[Slwinner]

Thank you for the support and kind words. It means a lot to me to have support from others who understand BPD.

She was in treatment for 75 days. She is back at the same place and will be there for 30 days. The plan will then be to move her into a new group facility.

I totally understand how expensive residential treatment is which is why I am grateful for the county grant that is paying for this. This of course means nothing to her.

The treatment is recovery based. Because she has a dual diagnosis she gets additional counseling from a trauma therapist and other specialized group sessions. It's not ideal but it's treatment and it's paid for. I would never be able to afford long term residential treatment for her.

I'll post an update in a few weeks. Thanks again for the support!

[lbjnltx]

Got it!

Is it realistic to expect major changes in 75 days?  Even with the most willing therapy participant, it is just a beginning. 

I hope she will pick up where she left off in her treatment and build on what she did learn/open herself up to.  After care is so important for our kids to get the support and continued accountability to use the skills they learned inpatient.

Does the county offer an IOP (Intense Out Patient) treatment program? Is that one of the requirements for group living?... .to continue therapy?

[Slwinner]

Yes IOP is a requirement along with 5 12 step meetings a week. That was all in place for her including transportation.