this is difficult

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

hello all.

this is my first post ever one a BPD-related forum. i just need a like-minded place to share my thoughts.

i suspect my partner has BPD. we have been together nearly three years and recently got married. throughout this time, we had a momentary split where we stopped seeing each other briefly, but then reconciled.

the reason is suspect BPD is mainly because of the things he says and the things he does. essentially, he is the kindest most loving and most wonderful man one day, then the next he is cruel and cutting. on some days, he will tell me he loves me profusely and that i am the person he loves most in this world, and the next day he will insult me and make me feel worthless.

to be precise, his mood does not change in one day. it is something that slowly boils up, until it bursts. this is especially true around certain events or holidays. currently, we are living together with my mother, who is elderly. we all share the rent equally. however, he has recently told me he does not want her there anymore because he embarrasses him. he has insulted her (and my) ethnicity and even went on to say he is simply racist and does not want her in the house and that i need to "ship her" back to her country.

it is awful to write this because i am sure people who read it wonder how i can tolerate it. and the problem is that i do because i know he is sick with a mental/personality disorder and that this is not really "him." or at least that is what i tell myself. i am not sure of that nor am i sure if i want to stay with him anymore.

these episodes happen a few times per year, but i don't know if i can do it. i never believed i would be in a situation where my elderly mother's livelihood is affected by the mental health of my partner. it is so awful.

[rei]

hello all.

this is my first post ever one a BPD-related forum. i just need a like-minded place to share my thoughts.

i suspect my partner has BPD. we have been together nearly three years and recently got married. throughout this time, we had a momentary split where we stopped seeing each other briefly, but then reconciled.

the reason is suspect BPD is mainly because of the things he says and the things he does. essentially, he is the kindest most loving and most wonderful man one day, then the next he is cruel and cutting. on some days, he will tell me he loves me profusely and that i am the person he loves most in this world, and the next day he will insult me and make me feel worthless.

to be precise, his mood does not change in one day. it is something that slowly boils up, until it bursts. this is especially true around certain events or holidays. currently, we are living together with my mother, who is elderly. we all share the rent equally. however, he has recently told me he does not want her there anymore because he embarrasses him. he has insulted her (and my) ethnicity and even went on to say he is simply racist and does not want her in the house and that i need to "ship her" back to her country.

it is awful to write this because i am sure people who read it wonder how i can tolerate it. and the problem is that i do because i know he is sick with a mental/personality disorder and that this is not really "him." or at least that is what i tell myself. i am not sure of that nor am i sure if i want to stay with him anymore.

these episodes happen a few times per year, but i don't know if i can do it. i never believed i would be in a situation where my elderly mother's livelihood is affected by the mental health of my partner. it is so awful.

[sweetheart]

Hi rei and welcome to bpdfamily, what a very difficult situation you are living in. Having a husband you believe has mental health issues like BPD, and an aging parent, you must feel very torn and overwhelmed when these crises occur.

It is really positive that you are able to appreciate that your partner most likely is mentally unwell and his behaviour is probably symptomatic of this. I can hear though that because his behaviour and moods are having such a negative impact on your lives you're still left feeling very uncertain as to what you want to do.

What is it like for you all inbetween times when your partner is more stable, how do you all get along then?

It's ok to be conflicted about staying because this gives you a way in to start looking at what your options might be if you choose to leave him? Have you thought about what this might look like if you did leave, what are the practicalities of this, do you work?

Take some time rei to have a read of the information to your left------->, there's a lot, but you can be selective and choose what will be most useful for you.

All the members here will be able to offer you support and guidance around the issues you are facing. Importantly as you are caught in such a difficult situation, what support is there for you, do you have close friends, any of whom know how things really are?

Keep posting and we will help you find a way through this.

[rei]

hi sweetheart.

thanks for replying. it feels very comforting to know someone knows that i am going through... .

we are just recently married. married last December. we moved in together--all 3 of us--around that time. before moving in (much before), i told him that i needed to either live with my mother or be able to financially provide for her. she is 70 and her husband/my father, left her/us for another woman 2 years ago. she was left with essentially nothing, so i feel a filial obligation to be with her and help her. at first, he said he understood this and was fine with all of us living together.

and it was OK for about a month. but then someone broke into his car at our old apartment (which we were at for only 1.5 months). he values his car extremely, so this event completely set him off. he left to stay with his parents and then decided we needed to move. so we did. now we are a a new apartment (the second one in like 3 months... .) and he is in this state again. this time, i feel it was mostly triggered because his birthday is next Monday. he will be 32. for a week before his erupting episode, he had been really down, saying that he does not have the life he wants, that he hates his job, that he has not accomplished anything, that people are awful, etc. i feel bad to say this but when i heard him say these things, all i could think of was "Oh no, not again!"

and it happened again. on Sunday, he was very insulting to me and my mother (though he did not say anything directly to her) and stomped away. he is now with his parents again. since then, he has shifted between hurrying me to "get my mother out" so we can be happy together, telling me i'm stupid, telling me he doesn't want to hurt my feelings... .and so on. he seemed to be better on Monday, but yesterday he was telling me (via text) that he is conflicted because he essentially does not know if he wants to stay in the relationship or not. he said that he does not want it to end because he has invested too much into it, but that at the same time he thinks our differences (he is affluent, i am not; he is a pharmacist, i am finishing university; he is Persian; i am Hispanic, etc) are too much to surmount so maybe it is best to end it.

i took this as an opportunity to tell him whatever he decided was OK and to just let me know, so i could move out too. he dodged answering this for a long time, saying thinks like "well, it will depend on how badly you want this relationship vs how badly you want to remain low-class" and "are you willing to make changes to give me the life i want?" followed by a list of changes he demanded, such as not hanging out with my "loser family and friends anymore," losing weight (because i gained like 20 lbs), and wearing nicer clothes... .i SO badly wanted to tell him to F* off. it took every ounce of willpower in me to not engage in that.

at the end, all he said was that we were not going to split up because he is a good person and can't leave me because i cannot make it on my own. he was very cold and short the rest of the day and night and today we have not spoken.

to answer your questions, i am a 4th year university student studying mental health. the irony, right? i am in my final semester which consists of 5 classes and am also applying to graduate school to become a teacher. on top of this, i work full time (40 hours per week) and have to come home to make food and clean around the apartment and make sure my mom is OK. right now, i am sitting at work taking a break and feeling so defeated.

when he is not going through an episode, he is EXTREMELY sweet. like--the sweetest. he will adore me, say i am beautiful, be so gentle, and make all sorts of plans with me (that i have now learned hardly ever will happen). he treats me like i am his most prized possession and then, it changes to me being essentially this little puppy dog that he has to take care of, but is stupid and ghetto and does everything wrong.

it is always my fault. i always do everything wrong. why he changes from loving to hateful, he says, is my fault because i have exhausted his kindness with my repeated mistakes. this is what he says always, when this happens, which is several times per year.

this is not new. the only thing that was new is that this time he introduced the topic of splitting up. maybe he is thinking that we should, and maybe we should. i know he will look for me after, but i won't play that game.

this is the most difficult moment of my life.

[umberto]

He honestly sounds like a jerk. I understand he is mentally ill and that he has issues with his emotions, but saying racist things about your family, telling you you are low-class, telling you to abandon your friends and family, to lose weight, to dress differently... .That is extremely controlling and disrespectful. That shouldn't be okay and what are the chances he will change the way he thinks about this?

It sounds like he wants you to be a completely different person. You deserve better than that. Just because he's mentally ill doesn't mean he should be able to treat you badly and you have to take it.

[rei]

Umberto,

maybe he is just that. i told my best friend about what is happening and she said that maybe he is not sick at all and maybe is just an as*hole. i know that he definitely can be one.

but the way i see it is, being just a jerk or a mean person is not attributing his actions correctly. after all, a jerky or mean person could potentially change their ways, but someone who is mentally is does not have the same potentiality.

in the past, he went to therapy and his therapist told him he has distorted thoughts and that, essentially, he does not perceive things as they are and distorts things to fit his ideas that everyone is awful and out to get him. i did not see any improvement while he went to therapy, and has since stopped going without any mention of going back.

today, he messaged me in the middle of the day and asked me to dinner. he said he misses me and wants to spend time with me. just like that--like absolutely nothing happened.

if he were not mentally ill, he would be a tremendous jerk and i a tremendous sucker. and may i am.

[umberto]

Hi Rei,

I think there is a strong connection between people who are big jerks and traits of personality disorders. I feel like most people are relatively stable personality-wise as an adult, so one can surely change to improve but a big change would be rare, even for someone without mental illness. He has his (distorted) reasons to justify what he does, but it doesn't excuse anything and if he decides to hold firm on those reasons that is his choice. Someone can be both mentally ill AND an a**hole.

The truth is BPD can make a person struggle in a relationship and probably most people with BPD can have times where they don't treat their partner well. In my relationship though, those times aren't characteristic of how we normally interact or feel about each other. I know that my wife respects me and likes me for who I am, even if during an episode things might get rocky. There is a tendency to try to excuse crappy behavior, but I think the relationship can only work if there is mutual respect and the person with BPD wants to get better.

It sounds like your husband honestly believes these things he says to you as he tells you again and again. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but if he doesn't want to get better and won't acknowledge that the way he treats you is wrong then nothing will ever improve.

You sound like a kind person and I don't want to pressure you to do anything, but if your marriage is to ever improve this needs to be addressed. Otherwise this is never going to change.

[gotbushels]

Hi rei!

Welcome!

Your circumstances seem really tough. It can be pretty tough finding the courage to come to the board so it's a good and positive step! 

pwsBPD flipping between treating you like a queen to a ghetto person is horrible to be subjected to so you're not alone:) Some people have pwBPDSOs that flip multiple times a day, to once a month. Some people live free of flipping altogether.

I see you're studying mental health. On the plus side you can practice your CBT skills... I heard it's quite expensive to do the courses 

If you read through the forums, you are definitely not alone in the tolerance department. We can either look at it as taking positive steps to make our lives better (with or without the SO) or feel ashamed about it. Whatever your decision, many of the people on this board make them often too.

[rei]

hi.

thanks for the replies.

i suppose you are right, umberto. he does not have to be one or the other and, in this case, he does seem like he is both. i had not thought about it that way, so thanks for pointing it out.

i also agree that, even with this disorder, there needs to be a semblance of mutual respect. after all, my husband in particular is a very high-functioning person--he has a clinical job and always manages his financial affairs effectively (though i think he is rather OCD about some of these things). for people on the outside, he is a funny, charming, and intelligent man whose only downside is that he can be "grumpy." i know that is how people see him, and were i to tell him what he does, not even his mother would believe me, i am sure.

in the past, i felt that though he had his episodes, he respected me. but these last two outbursts have shown that he does not, and i am not sure what to make of it. when he is not in this mindset, he is the kindest and most loving man. he really is amazing; i don't want to make it seem like it is all bad. mostly, it is just that when it is bad, it is really bad and i'm not sure how much more i can tolerate it.

on Saturday night, he was completely insufferable. we went out to dinner followed by a drive around the beach. he kept asking questions like, "Where are we?" "What street is this?" ":)o you know our address?" ":)o you know our address?" "Where are we?" it was like he was an on repeat! i mostly answered his questions as calmly as i could until it was too much and told him, "That's enough!" after i did, he asked what was enough and why i was upset and well, stopped.

he went to sleep shortly after. it was only like 7:30 p.m.

he was been sick with a cold this past week, so on Sunday before he left for work, he asked me how i was feeling. i told him i felt very cold and had a sore throat. he proceeded to make me a tea, set medicine out for me, and bundle me up with extra blankets. he kissed my forehead, said he loved me, and went to work. this made me cry because i thought, "What is this?"

today is his birthday, and i cannot spend it with him because i have work followed by a long night class at university. i felt very poorly about this (though he said it was not a big deal), so, yesterday, i got him his favorite ice cream cake and some sweets and made him pizza for dinner, to surprise him after work--an early birthday celebration of sorts. i asked my mom to join us for dinner and, though she was hesitant, she did.

he liked the small setup. we all had dinner and cake, and it was nice. he was even fixing up my mom's plate and was talking to her about her younger days (he likes asking her about this for some reason) and they were chatting and laughing some. i could tell he still felt down, but he was trying. afterward, he said he was not going to be mean to me anymore (i don't believe this) and that he had only been mean to try to snap me out of my funk. he went onto say that i sometimes act like the common stupid people and that i shouldn't because i am so intelligent. he tells me i need to stop getting caught up in the pettiness of people (a common theme for him) and be the nice person i am because i disappoint him when i am not nice, which, according to him, is like 80% of the time. he said he is giving up being mean and will just be nice in hopes that i can reciprocate kindness--that he is going to once again be the hero, and that he just hopes i appreciate all he does for me because he "loves me more than anything in this world."

i did not really say anything because i did not know what to say. it makes me very sad to see him fluctuate like this, and also for him to make me out as this mean person because i really don't think i am.

last night, he was better than he has been for the last week. as i mentioned above, i can tell his mind is still "foggy" but he is trying. last night he kept telling me he loved me a lot and that he just wants to be OK together.

this is so exhausting. you would think that my studying mental health makes this easier, but it really doesn't.

[rei]

^so, that is where we are now. as to talking about this issue (of the possibility of him having BPD), i am not sure how to address it.

in the past, him having BPD was only brought up in the context of his ex-girlfriend telling him that was what he had and her buying him a book about it. during the conversation about it with me, he did not say he agreed or disagreed about what she said. instead, he asked me what i thought. i told him i did not think that was the case because, at the time, i really did not and was practically convinced he had PTSD that stemmed from a sexual abuse he once alluded to (and other troubles during his childhood).

when i told him that, he said he did not think he had that and that maybe he just thought differently. i asked him what his therapist (at the time) thought and he said she just told him he had distorted thoughts.

since then, we have not really talked about it. sometimes, though, when is feeling really low, he asks me if i think he is "crazy." here, i think i do us both a disservice because i tell him "no." and well, i don't think he is "crazy," but i do definitely think he likely has BPD. i guess those times just don't seem appropriate, but then again... .i am not sure when an appropriate time to bring this up would be.