uBPDw puts brakes for her request for divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi! 

uBPDw requested a divorce (when she was super angry) as part of her FOG campaign assuming (I guess) that I would freak out.  I didn't freak and instead granted the request.  She expressed surprise, but we moved forward.  We are in two different states and have been for 1.5 yrs.  She abandoned our youngest of 3 with me - still a minor.  This meant I needed to file the dissolution papers in my state

In the time since the request eldest daughter has married her boyfriend, uBPDw's grandmother has entered hospice at 94 yrs of age, and her father was diagnosed w cancer and passed away 4 weeks later.

Middle daughter and I flew to her and attended the funeral for her father.  Daughter and I stayed w uBPDw at her rental house for 2 nights.  During the stay she was minimally affectionate toward my daughter and I.  Some deep conversations were had and uBPDw spilled some tears. Daughter and I tried to remain out of the emotion.  We _were_ able to clear some air, however.  We discussed the divorce privately, and uBPDw shared she had tried to use the fill-in option for the PDF.  It seems the forms were poorly programmed and had failed to save her entries.  She had not had much success completing the 17 pages of forms.

Upshot:  Had a great time reconnecting w her side of the family.  uBPDw texted after we had returned home  that she had really enjoyed seeing us.  And that she really missed me.

Since then we have been sharing concerns and past hurts by shared Google Doc.  In an effort to come to some kind of closure and to gain a measure of healing.  We have written about 20 computer pages.  We _seem_ to be moving forward.  We have found a faith-based marriage-friendly workshop offered in her local area in April.  She wants to attend.

Is this part of splitting behavior?  Will it turn very south soon?  I know this is crystal ball stuff but would like to hear thoughts.

[Dobzhansky]

Hi! 

uBPDw requested a divorce (when she was super angry) as part of her FOG campaign assuming (I guess) that I would freak out.  I didn't freak and instead granted the request.  She expressed surprise, but we moved forward.  We are in two different states and have been for 1.5 yrs.  She abandoned our youngest of 3 with me - still a minor.  This meant I needed to file the dissolution papers in my state

In the time since the request eldest daughter has married her boyfriend, uBPDw's grandmother has entered hospice at 94 yrs of age, and her father was diagnosed w cancer and passed away 4 weeks later.

Middle daughter and I flew to her and attended the funeral for her father.  Daughter and I stayed w uBPDw at her rental house for 2 nights.  During the stay she was minimally affectionate toward my daughter and I.  Some deep conversations were had and uBPDw spilled some tears. Daughter and I tried to remain out of the emotion.  We _were_ able to clear some air, however.  We discussed the divorce privately, and uBPDw shared she had tried to use the fill-in option for the PDF.  It seems the forms were poorly programmed and had failed to save her entries.  She had not had much success completing the 17 pages of forms.

Upshot:  Had a great time reconnecting w her side of the family.  uBPDw texted after we had returned home  that she had really enjoyed seeing us.  And that she really missed me.

Since then we have been sharing concerns and past hurts by shared Google Doc.  In an effort to come to some kind of closure and to gain a measure of healing.  We have written about 20 computer pages.  We _seem_ to be moving forward.  We have found a faith-based marriage-friendly workshop offered in her local area in April.  She wants to attend.

Is this part of splitting behavior?  Will it turn very south soon?  I know this is crystal ball stuff but would like to hear thoughts.

[formflier]

 

I would not encourage or discourage HER going to a workshop where she lives.  That is her business.

If you have interest in reconnecting or saving the r/s, then I suggest find resources where you live and invite her.

If you go to her, I think it could be perceived as chasing in the push pull sense of things.  Also, it sort of acknowledges and blesses the abandonment.

So, it wasn't clear from your post.  Is she having trouble with forms or has she called off the divorce, which it seems like she never started, just talked about, classic BPD.


Big picture:  I'm more interested in reading, supporting and guiding posts from you about what you want, YOUR way forward than what your wife is doing.

Also very concerned that the google doc thing could get out of hand without some guidance from a professional.

 

Wishing the best for you.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

The questions you are asking sound like "What does this change (improvement) in her behavior mean?"

I could speculate a bit... .but I don't think those are the most important questions for you to answer. I've got some other questions for you instead.

What kind of relationship do you want to have with her?

You've lived in separate states for a year. Do you want to go back to living with her, and reunite the children living at home? Do you want her to move back in?

Do you a romantic relationship with her?

Do you want to be friends with her?

Do you want to do a better job of cooperating with her on parenting?

If you are clear on those things, then questions about whether to go forward with the divorce/dissolution become easier to sort out.

(I'm new to your story... .pardon me if you've already stated these things earlier.)


In any case, one thing I would suggest is that with a pwBPD, it will require vigilance and excellent boundaries to maintain a limited level of intimacy. She is likely to push you all the way away... .until she changes her mind and tries to pull you in very close... .regardless of what either the legal status of the relationship or what she says she wants to do with you.