Long time, but my inner child is still angry

[RedDove]

Well it's been a long time since I've been on the BPD family board. I had a 4 year on-again, off-again encounter with a man (exBPDbf) suffering from BPD. Many recycles by both him and me.

We knew one another 30 years ago in high school. This was what I refer to as the "fairy-tale" illusion. At least on his part, it was delusion. For me, it was very real. I'm no spring chicken, nor is he (late 40's). So for those of you who beat yourselves up that you should a known better, it's easy to get pulled into the fairy tale love bombing illusion they create.

He revealed in May, 2014 that he was unstable, borderline and an alcoholic. I ended it. He contacted me on a dating site in September, 2014. We began texting and hanging out as friends. But, of course, that didn't last long and we became intimate once again. He ended it again in July, 2015. That was the last time I saw him. He continued to contact me up until September, 2015.

His best friend Kevin of 20+ years came forward and told be the whole ugly truth. You see, unbeknownst to me, my exBPDbf had been living with a woman he met on the same dating site he had contacted me on, since June, 2014. I also learned my exBPDbf never referred to me as "a" love of his life, even though he said it to me 100's of times. He had used me out of "convenience". Meaning, I lived .30 miles away from where I thought he was living at the time (his sisters).

I did a lot of inner work on myself these past 6 months. I realized I was co-dependent and a care taker. I addressed the issues inside of myself to better understand why I was drawn to this type of man. I've changed myself and my life in so many positive ways. Ivemoved forward in a very good direction.

I had been laid off from my job in May, 2014. In retrospect, I feel strongly this was a direct result of the emotional abuse my exBPDbf caused me. I found a new job/position that I love in November, 2015. I've made some amazing friends who are true friends. They are so supportive and caring. I removed other toxic people from my life. I'm in a very happy and positive place in my life.

However, recently I've been experiencing thoughts and dreams about my exBPDbf. They are very resentful, angry and upsetting thoughts and words. I know this is due to the fact I never got and never will get any closure or an apology. I also know it's my inner child acting out... .AND she's mad! It's like the song lyrics... ."all those things I didn't say, like a wrecking ball inside my brain"!

Unrealistic thoughts go through my head, like, why did my replacement get everything I wanted from and with him. Yes, I know, I know, they are NOT happy. He was cheating on her with me and likely many other women at the same time as well. She is likely going through the same exact emotional roller coaster that I did. The disorder always wins. I accepted he's mentally ill. BUT, the thoughts are still there and my inner child is releasing them.

I've already tried writing a closure email and not sending it. I've also spoken to my best friend who went through something very similar. But, the thoughts are still there and I want to figure out why and how to resolve them. Is it delayed anger and do I just need to feel these angry resentful feelings and go through it to finally release him amd let it go? Any insight and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening/reading.

[C.Stein]

However, recently I've been experiencing thoughts and dreams about my exBPDbf. They are very resentful, angry and upsetting thoughts and words. I know this is due to the fact I never got and never will get any closure or an apology. I also know it's my inner child acting out... .AND she's mad! It's like the song lyrics... ."all those things I didn't say, like a wrecking ball inside my brain"!

Unrealistic thoughts go through my head, like, why did my replacement get everything I wanted from and with him. Yes, I know, I know, they are NOT happy. He was cheating on her with me and likely many other women at the same time as well. She is likely going through the same exact emotional roller coaster that I did. The disorder always wins. I accepted he's mentally ill. BUT, the thoughts are still there and my inner child is releasing them.

Welcome back?   

I am going through very much the same thing right now at about 7.5 months since the throw away. 

I did write several "closure" emails and I did send them.  That doesn't mean they were read and I never got replies.  However the more I come out of the FOG the more clearly I see things that I didn't see (or refused to see) before and now I find myself talking to her in my head about these things over and over again. 

This has generated a lot of anger and resentment in me as well for several reasons.  First because my voice has been taken away.  Second because I am relatively certain she is blaming me for everything and that really hurts.  Mix in the sadness, guilt, remorse, sorrow, pain, etc... .and it all is very confusing.  Why the heck am I still bothered by this at this juncture?  Granted it has gotten considerably better but at times it is like I have made no progress at all and I still feel very attached to her.  I have had my heart broken on many occasions but it has never impacted me so severely or for so long as this relationship has.  It boggles my mind!

You are doing considerably better than I and you should be proud of the progress you have made.   

Why do you think these thoughts and feelings are coming back to you now? 

What has happened in your life recently that might have brought this stuff back to the surface? 

Is this a case where you may have buried the emotions initially and now they are demanding to be addressed and released?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi RedDove,

Your thread title popped out to me.

Something that I have been playing with is talking to my inner child and tending to her needs.  So sometimes I am feeling pissed or sad, I allow the feelings a voice via this inner child and for her to fully express and tell the 'Big Me' what she needs to get off her chest.  Then Big Me spends time chatting with and validating Little Me.

Sometimes it is a challenge to find the words that truley capture Little Me's experience and I sit with it longer to figure out.  More often, it is a challenge to come up with the right words to say to validate Little Me when she is upset.  Sometimes, I just tell her it is ok, I love her, and she can just hang out with me for the day so she knows that even if I do not have the right words, I do love her and accept her with me no matter how badly she is feeling.  Often I find out that just knowing she is lovable and I will be with her when she is angry, is actually what she needed.

Do you think you may want to try to shift your thoughts away from ex and towards your inner child?

I wonder if your inner child feels like a kid of a divorce where the parents are constantly fighting about how the other didn't care enough for the kid, while the kid stands there alone, feeling neglected, just existing in the presence of these parents and their strong feelings of anger towards one another vs loving the child.

[RedDove]

Thank you so much C. Stein and Sunflower!   I greatly appreciate your advice and input based upon your experiences and journey.

C. Stein, I thought about your questions and yes, that's exactly it... .I'm having conversations about my anger and feelings about him "with" him inside my head! Exactly like you, I also do feel like my voice was taken away as well. I loved him very deeply, as much as I could. I stood by his side thru many tragedies and issues. I feel gyped or ripped off in a way.

What's happened recently to bring this all up to the surface now... .Hmmm... .thank you for that important question. I've thought about that too. I did recently see his ex best friend Kevin. We had a conversation about my ex, even though I clearly told Kevin I don't want to talk about the exBPDbf anymore. I am very mad at the fact that it appears my exBPDbf is still living with (using for a place to live) the same woman (victim). That definitely shocked and surprised me. He couldn't even spend a week on vacation with me.

Kevin is still friends with him on FB, so he sees posts from my exBPDbf. At first it was more of a safeguard to protect me, so I'd know when things fell apart for my exBPDbf. That way I could be prepared if he tried to contact me or retaliate. So yes, definitely unresolved and buried emotions demanding to be addressed and released.

Sunflower, thank you for picking up on my headline. I read so many books when I was going through the ordeal with my exBPDbf that I completely forgot about the one about BIG me & Little me. Thank you very much for reminding me. Whe I first started NC, I often had conversations between BIG me and Little me. It helped to calm and reassure my inner "Little" child. I'd forgotten, I still need to take care of Little! I definitely need to talk to her, listen and reassure her that I love her and it's going to be okay. I'm so grateful to you for reminding me about the BIG me-Little me Conversation and process. Thank you!

[hopealways]

Hi RedDove,

Your thread title popped out to me.

Something that I have been playing with is talking to my inner child and tending to her needs.  So sometimes I am feeling pissed or sad, I allow the feelings a voice via this inner child and for her to fully express and tell the 'Big Me' what she needs to get off her chest.  Then Big Me spends time chatting with and validating Little Me.

Sometimes it is a challenge to find the words that truley capture Little Me's experience and I sit with it longer to figure out.  More often, it is a challenge to come up with the right words to say to validate Little Me when she is upset.  Sometimes, I just tell her it is ok, I love her, and she can just hang out with me for the day so she knows that even if I do not have the right words, I do love her and accept her with me no matter how badly she is feeling.  Often I find out that just knowing she is lovable and I will be with her when she is angry, is actually what she needed.

Do you think you may want to try to shift your thoughts away from ex and towards your inner child?

I wonder if your inner child feels like a kid of a divorce where the parents are constantly fighting about how the other didn't care enough for the kid, while the kid stands there alone, feeling neglected, just existing in the presence of these parents and their strong feelings of anger towards one another vs loving the child.

IN BOLD: Yes this is exactly how I feel.

[C.Stein]

I loved him very deeply, as much as I could. I stood by his side thru many tragedies and issues. I feel gyped or ripped off in a way.

I feel much the same.  I stood by her side through a very rough time in her life and helped her rebuild her life.  To have her give up on me and our relationship because she couldn't take responsibility for her actions and make an effort to repair the damage she had done is beyond heart breaking.

My ex is a mid-high functioning waif type and most of our time together was "normal".  I think one of the reasons I stuck around so long was because of this.  She was so close to "breaking through" I continued to hold onto hope.  Even now I deal with these feelings of hope (?) which is certainly one reason why I am still being impacted by this.

I do want to confront her with what I now see after coming mostly out of the FOG.  I want accountability or at least acknowledgment of what she did.  But then I don't want to because I know how much it would hurt me.

I completely understand why you do not want to hear about the ex.  I don't want to hear about her either because it simply hurts to much and it would undoubtedly set me back.

We both want/need to reach a place of indifference where the ex and what they did or are doing does not impact us emotionally at all.  Eventually we will both get there with time but it would be nice if there were some way to resolve these latent emotions/feelings instead of letting them eat away at us.

How do you think you can constructively deal with and release these latent emotions and feelings internally?