Criticism of parenting technicques

[vondtsoul]

This is my first post after many months of reading the boards and support material.  I first started reading the  “staying” board only, but have moved to “undecided” board this year. I am the spouse to high functioning uBPDw of 13 years.  We have a 20SD (hers) and 12S.  We staggered through 80+ fruitless counseling sessions five years ago when I was convinced I was root of all problems for many years.  My life awakening moment was reading Walking on Eggshells and then discovering these boards about two years ago.  I have realized I did so many things wrong in interacting with a person with BPD for so many years.  I provided a lot of ammunition and enabled her behavior.  I finally admitted (to myself) my involvement as a co-dependent spouse and have and continue to take actions to never repeat this behavior.   On positive side, I have grown tremendously as a person as a result of the last 13 years of battles, criticisms, arguments, rages, and threats.    I can completely relate with so many of the posts of the bewildered people who are just now discovering the boards and thank all of the moderators, founders of this site and supporters for treatment of this horrendous illness. 

I had held to the thin strands of hope in my heart that we could reconcile this relationship and discover true intimacy.  There have been brief flashes of it the last two years which would kindle the hope, but those positive times have always been followed with the continuous cycle ending in blame, criticism, anger and ultimately depression.  What’s changed the last few months to make me view “undecided” threads… her new target in the never ending blame cycle is that she dislikes my “parenting skills” with our son. In addition she has confided with our 20SD claiming my poor parenting will ruin my son’s life.  I am not a perfect parent but I have built a strong loving bond with both of my children.  The one thing that has driven me to stay in this relationship all these years is to provide stability and security to my two children and try to protect/shield them from her anger and instability. 

Years ago our counselor had warned me privately that my wife would likely end up targeting my son with her anger (it’s now happened).   She will get so angry with him over fairly minor issues and he has now directly had 2 anxiety attacks in the last few months as the result of her anger.  She says he just needs to “toughen up” when he has these attacks.  My son has confided that he doesn’t feel like he can respond to his mother, that he is worried we will divorce and that he is the cause of all the arguments.  I’ve reinforced to him he does need to stand up for his feelings, the arguments are not his fault, we as parents are working through our own issues, and divorce is not a likely option (which I thought at the time).  I refuse to get baited into arguing with my wife in front of my son and try to give him as much support and unconditional love as possible.

Her current specific complaint is that he spends too much time on the computer, does not get enough physical activity, and infers I need to take responsibility for his behavior.  I have agreed to set and have enforced more boundaries around screen time (and agreed it needed to be reduced).  Over the years I have always been the one to sign him up and ultimately coach his soccer and baseball teams, play basketball in yard with him, wrestle nearly daily with him, play tag with his group of friends, etc. and she rarely ever does any physical activity with him.  She will sit on her computer for hours most days on social network sites, but she says it drives her nuts when she sees him on his computer. 

I have tried the SET rules with some limited success in the past.   In this case, I so strongly disagree with her on the parental criticism that when she criticizes me it so emotionally overwhelms me that I don’t even know how to respond.  Two weeks ago my wife suggested if we can’t agree on parenting style (hers) than we should separate as it would provide a better atmosphere for him. 

13+ years of this behavior has taken a toll on my mental and physical health and I now acknowledge and accept that the end game will likely be separation & divorce.  I am scheduled to see the counselor again tomorrow (privately) and am reading through the boards for help on similar issues. I’d welcome feedback on how to address the criticism of parenting styles at this point in the relationship.

[lbjnltx]

Hi vondtsoul,

So glad that you decided to make your first post and begin to get feedback on a personal level.

Though you are still up in the air with deciding where your relationship with your wife will ultimately end up, for now you are there in the midst of it all.

We have a board... .for Co Parenting.  Though the title says... .after the split, you might want to ask for some feedback from the members there who have struggled through the same dilemma or just read the Lessons in the side bar.  I think you will find the information relevant to your situation.

Here is the link to that board:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0


Glad you are here!

lbjnltx