Introduction - not sure where this goes..

[RiverAce]

I initially joined this site five years ago, the month after my ex-wife and I decided to divorce. She was diagnosed with BPD (and the diagnosis explained a lot), and ironically, if she had the diagnosis when we were still together, I would have worked with her and supported her challenges. We were together 15 years - and I took our vows pretty seriously, in sickness and in health.

My ex-wife, while going through the pattern of valuing me and de-valuing me within our marriage, never externalized those emotions. Meaning that, she never screamed, yelled, or lashed out. She turned her anger inward and controlled me that way. It wasn’t until she left and I went through my own process of grief did I realize what I experienced as part of that relationship.

Fast forward four years, and I found someone new; we’ve been engaged for almost a year and have been together for almost two. When we started dating, I shared with her my experiences with my ex-wife and her diagnosis. She shared with me later that she suffered from depression, but she “doesn’t allow it to control” her. She does not respond to generic medications for the illness, and the brand name is fairly expensive for her.

Last weekend we had an argument that still stays with me. She knew exactly where to hurt me and succeeded. I grabbed my pillow, left the room, and intended to spend the entire night on the couch. She came downstairs and apologized. As she did so, I still remember gripping my pillow like a vice. I was still angry and I think I still am.

After that argument, I went back through all of the times we argued and the debriefing/apologies that followed; there has been a distinctive pattern where I’ve changed, where I’m not measuring up, where I’m not ambitious enough, where I’ve withheld information from her, where I don’t take of issues in a timely manner, and the list goes on. I react very strongly to her invectives as I think she’s attacking my character (a button that’s easily found). During these times, nothing I do or say is good enough. Hours before (or days before), it’s a different story where she will say, “You do so much for me”, “I don’t know what I’d do without you”, “You’re more awesome than you give yourself credit for”, “I’d be lost if you weren’t here”, “promise to never leave me”.

I feel whiplash.

She is very concerned with me leaving her and that “all people leave her”. She has stated that for almost her entire life she has a fear of abandonment. She “feeds off of” and mimics behavior of those around her, so when I’m stressed, she’ll be stressed too. In the morning, we’ll have coffee and peacefully begin the day, but by the afternoon, it’s a powderkeg and without fail, I’ll say or do something that sets her off. She’ll say something that I can barely hear, then when I ask for her to repeat it she’ll say, “Nothing!”, roll her eyes as if I should *just know*. She typically “reads” me telling me what I’m thinking (when I haven’t been), she’ll think I’m taking a line of argument, when I’m not, considers hesitation in reply an evasion, and so on. I’m not sure if this is BPD, but I’m realizing that I think I made a huge mistake.

I would have supported my ex-wife through her BPD struggles, but I’m not so sure I want to with my fiance. I feel misled and almost trapped. I’m fairly averse to conflict; I don’t mind sharing disagreements, but I really hate getting into shouting matches and these shouting matches occur almost weekly or bi-weekly. My fuse used to be longer, but when she attacks my competency and my character, I typically explode.

I hate that I have become this person. I don’t like it.

I think I need help, but I don’t know where to begin. I’ll be reading both the “staying” and “leaving” sub topics. This is my introduction. Thanks for reading my long winded essay.

[Grey Kitty]

  Hello, and welcome, RiverAce

Perhaps I should say welcome back? Whatever, we're here to support you.

What you describe in your fiance sure sounds like BPD traits, whether she is at a diagnosable level or not. So I think you will find the tools here helpful for you in coping with her and understanding her, no matter what you choose.

Let me ask a couple more questions to help sort out your situation.

Do you currently live with her?

You say you are engaged. Is there a wedding date? And if so, is it coming up soon enough that you need to call it off asap if you have second thoughts?


I've also got a very practical suggestion for you, which can immediately improve your relationship.

You describe shouting matches. You describe her being set off accidentally, and this:

there has been a distinctive pattern where I’ve changed, where I’m not measuring up, where I’m not ambitious enough, where I’ve withheld information from her, where I don’t take of issues in a timely manner, and the list goes on. I react very strongly to her invectives as I think she’s attacking my character (a button that’s easily found).

In ALL these cases, as soon as you realize things are going badly, take a time out. Tell her you can't discuss it now. Leave the room if you need to. Even leave the house if she follows you through the house. Sometimes just going to the bathroom (and letting yourself think without being attacked for a couple minutes) gives you space to decide what to do.

For more on how to do this (and why), read this workshop:

How to take a time out

Once it turns into a shouting match, you are going to say things that hurt her, and she is going to say things that hurt you. First you stop cutting on each other, then you try to bandage yourself up. (And let her take care of herself, as if you get back together too soon, you will go back to hurting each other!)

One more tip--if you (or she) gets worked up, it takes 15~20 minutes for the adrenaline to work its way out of your system if you don't do anything new to restart it. Taking space for that long at a minimum is a good idea.

Take good care of yourself! Do you have good friends or family you can talk to nearby? If not to deal with this insanity, just to get some time away from it?