Sister ran away

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. I don't know where to start. I guess I'm hoping for perspective and thoughts. And am I a bad brother?  And what can I do?

My 32yo sister ("C" ran away to Hawaii 2 years ago. She did this compelled by a need for physical distance from me, my mother, and my wife who she hates because of the pain we've caused her by abandoning her (paraphrasing her).  She did it the same week my wife, then 10month old daughter, and I moved back to NYC after 4 years in LA. Despite overlapping in the city for a few days she refused to communicate with me or meet me as I was pleading with her to do and would not even say where she was going.

For a year we didn't communicate then there were a few frightening (for me), distraught (her) late night calls, then some totally normal calls, one session between she and I with a family therapist and then one very dramatic and scary call in which she had to be talked down by an ex she is still in touch with ("CD".

It's been about a year since that incident and I have been afraid to reach out to her since.  My mother the same.  I get cursory information from CD when I reach out to him about bi weekly.  My mother gets occasional updates and occasional worried calls from a man she met there and lives with ("M". The family therapist we saw recommended Stop Walking On Eggshells and said he suspected BPD which from what I've read does fit.

Last night my mother got a calm but very unsettling call from M saying my sister was feeling suicidal but that she was ok and didn't need the emergency room.  She had a very bad experience there after threatening suicide in front of a police officer while arguing with M a little over a year ago.

I am lost and very afraid for her.  I'm also afraid to contact her or fly out there as she has said to both M and CD that me or my mother showing up there would make her feel trapped.

What options exist in this situation for getting her help?  I don't think I can force anything, based on what's happened so far, right?  She's tried very short stints with talk therapy and is generally opposed to it.  The brief time we touched on it over the phone she seemed more inclined to feel disillusioned with humanity and set on her sensitivity and broken relationships as a part of being than to accept that there might be something in her that could be changed/helped. 

I think I'll send the MoodGym link to CD (maybe M but she could feel cornered by me contacting him) but I don't know how that would actually go over and it will be at his discretion to mention it to her.

Is there anything I actually should do?  Anyone have a recommendation near Waimea or on the Big Island in general for support for her? Other thoughts?

Thanks for even reading.

[trabbit]

Hi. I don't know where to start. I guess I'm hoping for perspective and thoughts. And am I a bad brother?  And what can I do?

My 32yo sister ("C" ran away to Hawaii 2 years ago. She did this compelled by a need for physical distance from me, my mother, and my wife who she hates because of the pain we've caused her by abandoning her (paraphrasing her).  She did it the same week my wife, then 10month old daughter, and I moved back to NYC after 4 years in LA. Despite overlapping in the city for a few days she refused to communicate with me or meet me as I was pleading with her to do and would not even say where she was going.

For a year we didn't communicate then there were a few frightening (for me), distraught (her) late night calls, then some totally normal calls, one session between she and I with a family therapist and then one very dramatic and scary call in which she had to be talked down by an ex she is still in touch with ("CD".

It's been about a year since that incident and I have been afraid to reach out to her since.  My mother the same.  I get cursory information from CD when I reach out to him about bi weekly.  My mother gets occasional updates and occasional worried calls from a man she met there and lives with ("M". The family therapist we saw recommended Stop Walking On Eggshells and said he suspected BPD which from what I've read does fit.

Last night my mother got a calm but very unsettling call from M saying my sister was feeling suicidal but that she was ok and didn't need the emergency room.  She had a very bad experience there after threatening suicide in front of a police officer while arguing with M a little over a year ago.

I am lost and very afraid for her.  I'm also afraid to contact her or fly out there as she has said to both M and CD that me or my mother showing up there would make her feel trapped.

What options exist in this situation for getting her help?  I don't think I can force anything, based on what's happened so far, right?  She's tried very short stints with talk therapy and is generally opposed to it.  The brief time we touched on it over the phone she seemed more inclined to feel disillusioned with humanity and set on her sensitivity and broken relationships as a part of being than to accept that there might be something in her that could be changed/helped. 

I think I'll send the MoodGym link to CD (maybe M but she could feel cornered by me contacting him) but I don't know how that would actually go over and it will be at his discretion to mention it to her.

Is there anything I actually should do?  Anyone have a recommendation near Waimea or on the Big Island in general for support for her? Other thoughts?

Thanks for even reading.

[my_name_is]

Hi,

I just read your post and sorry that you are going through this. I actually don't have any idea how to help as I'm a new member but very much in a similar situation (just posted a few minutes ago for the first time). I suspect my sister has BPD and she has cut contacts with everyone except me who she may text once every two weeks. She also lives in a different city... .it's such a terrifying life going through this  Like you I also have a family (husband and a 4 year old) who are also going through this as well as my parents and my younger sister.

Hope someone can help you out. I wanted to say you are not alone and I will be watching this thread as well.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Trabbit:   

Sorry about the situation with your sister.  I'm estranged from my sister at the moment as well.  The "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book was my first reading material on BPD.  There are several links to helpful information that appears to the upper right of this post. You should find that information a helpful supplement to what you may have already learned.

You mention one family therapy visit and some brief therapy your sister had.  Is your sister aware that she likely has BPD? 

This discussion on FEAR OF ABANDONMENT might be helpful to read.  This could apply to some degree to your sister's behavior.

I am lost and very afraid for her.  I'm also afraid to contact her or fly out there as she has said to both M and CD that me or my mother showing up there would make her feel trapped.

What options exist in this situation for getting her help?  I don't think I can force anything, based on what's happened so far, right?  She's tried very short stints with talk therapy and is generally opposed to it.  The brief time we touched on it over the phone she seemed more inclined to feel disillusioned with humanity and set on her sensitivity and broken relationships as a part of being than to accept that there might be something in her that could be changed/helped. 

You might want to read the info at this link:
GETTING A BORDERLINE INTO THERAPY

It probably wouldn't go well to fly out to see her.  No one can force her to get treatment. DBT Therapy is a common approach to treating BPD.  Many people with BPD have depression and/or anxiety disorders.  Some antidepressants can help with this.  Is your sister self supporting and able to hold down a job (any insurance?)?   Does she have any substance abuse problems?

This has to be so frustrating for your family.  People generally go to a doctor for a physical illness, but avoid seeking treatment for a mental condition. It can be hard to understand why someone wouldn't want to do something to relieve the mental anguish and suicidal thoughts.  Learning some healthy ways to self-sooth can be helpful for anyone. 

The links below could be helpful for your sister.  The dbtselfhelp.com website is an overall self- help source for DBT Therapy.  The specific link below is to helpful things a person can try when  distressed or dysregulating.

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

The book "The Happiness Trap"  (Based on ACT Therapy) might be a book you might want to read and perhaps share with your sister.  It isn't geared specifically towards BPD treatment, but could be a helpful for anyone.  If you go to the website below, you can print out several handouts/workbook sheets:

www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

Check out some of the things I've referenced above.  Take it a step at a time and don't let it overwhelm you.  Let us know what you think?