Disengage?

[Coeur Brise]

My daughter has finally been officially diagnosed with BPD. She is 39 years old and has a son who is now 13. She has wrung our hearts out repeatedly for most of her life, and it is only recently that we have recognized the FOG we have been in because we wanted so much to have a relationship with our grandchild. Although we have been able to be a part of his life, succumbing to unending emotional blackmail in order to see him, her smear campain against us has finally affected him, and he is now refusing to see us or even speak on the phone or text. I do not know how to deal with the smears as they relate to my grandson. I will not speak ill of his mother to him, so I feel unable to set the record straight. We had just begun to set some boundaries with her, asking her to be more positive when she speaks about us to others, and asked for some temporary distance (no daily phone calls or texts). I guess it backfired. Maybe we are at a point now when a relationship with either of them is not possible any longer.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Coeur Brise,

Welcome to the site, I'm so sorry to learn that your relationship with your grandson has been damaged.

Many grandparents here have experienced the same thing.  Many many times it is only temporary.  Learning different ways to communicate your care and concern for your daughter and grandson may help rebuild that bridge. 

Setting boundaries is necessary and healthy so please don't be hard on yourself about that. 

Do you live near your grandson?

lbj

[Coeur Brise]

Thank you for your kind words. I hope our grandson will renew his relationship with us soon. We have just sent our daughter an invitation for the both of them to join us for a family meal on Easter Sunday. We will see what happens then. Our son, who is just a year and a half older than our daughter, and his new wife have reached out to our grandson. They have stepped in to invite him over, now that he doesn't see us anymore. He had a very good weekend with them, playing basketball and video games. That is a relief for us. They both live within an hour drive from us. There is some good news, as our daughter has finally been offered a new job, starting April 1st. I hope she holds on to this one. She has also just moved to her own apartment, she was living with a friend since being kicked out of her last apartment for not paying the rent. And, the best news is that she is, so far, persevering with her therapy (DBT). So we try to stay hopeful in spite of the fact that her relationship with us is in shambles.