Getting my heart and head in the same place

[Notwendy]

I think it can vary- but in general- people who are hurting can hurt others. I think borferlines are hurting and since they tend to project - that hurts others. How abusive the relationship can vary IMHO.

[Notwendy]

The snake hiding behind the idealism is something I learned along the way. I have tended to be a person who thinks the best of people, takes them at face value. The experience of being a young wife and mother, and being painted black by the husband I loved is still an experience I struggle with. I am fortunate that my H has made attempts to improve and in part, because I learned to have boundaries. I no longer fear the snake in the grass. It is harmless, but I have seen the rattle, and that's not easy to undo.

I also recognize my part in this. Because of how I was raised, I don't see the red flags well, as I didn't have an example of an emotionally healthy relationship. In many ways, I had great parents and in many ways, a good marriage. I just somehow learned to accept being treated poorly as part of that. This led me to easily dismiss red flags.

[Cat Familiar]

Because of how I was raised, I don't see the red flags well, as I didn't have an example of an emotionally healthy relationship. In many ways, I had great parents and in many ways, a good marriage. I just somehow learned to accept being treated poorly as part of that. This led me to easily dismiss red flags.

I hear you on that. I have a history of overlooking red flags in relationships.

[patientandclear]

My ambivalence about what to do about my BPD relationship is deeply connected to this.  I emerged from a long term abusive relationship absolutely committed that I would never return to such dynamics.  Then, the BPD relationship arose, one I did not identify as having abusive characteristics till I cared very much.  From everything I've learned here, making that BPD relationship "work," giving it its best chance to be the best it can be, involves tolerating a lot of poor treatment.  Yet, my recovery from my earlier abuse was all about never doing that again.  It may mean that I am just a bad partner for someone with BPD, because there is something in me that can no longer ignore or set aside devaluing, abusive behavior.  (Interesting to type that out. I have not quite seen this before.)

[Cat Familiar]

Yet, my recovery from my earlier abuse was all about never doing that again.  It may mean that I am just a bad partner for someone with BPD, because there is something in me that can no longer ignore or set aside devaluing, abusive behavior.  (Interesting to type that out. I have not quite seen this before.)

Yes, indeed. I put up with an unbelievable amount of abuse in my first marriage. Now I have a very low tolerance of even "minor abuse" due to my history. All because I learned what "love" is growing up with a BPD mom. 

[formflier]

  because there is something in me that can no longer ignore or set aside devaluing, abusive behavior.  (Interesting to type that out. I have not quite seen this before.)

This is where I am at now.  I know that at some point in the Biblical counseling they will start leaning on me to "love" her and be "tender" with her and "understanding" of where she is at.  No, they won't directly say "tolerate abuse" but I am positive that my BS meter to devaluing or contempt is to finely attuned, it is a tripwire.

In other words, it is likely that I will demand/expect a level of function from her that she may never be able to provide.

FF