Attempting to co parent with a BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Long story short, I was involved with a person that believe to have BPD for almost 6 months we had been friends before hand for nearly 4 years. Things weren't perfect before she fell pregnant but things got very bad once she was, she broke up with me but wouldn't leave. She still expected everything that is usually included in a relationship accept intimacy or any sort of dialogue. We went to the UK (her home town) for a holiday when she was 3 months pregnant, as I said the 3 months were absolute hell. Once in the UK I found out she was going to meet up with an ex partner and others and was saying things to them that were inappropriate so I finally bit the bullet and left her in the UK with her family. She took the stance of I had abandoned her and played the victim card very heavily. I left to go back to Australia and I was very angry and did not want to ever see her again, but as I recovered from what had happened, I realised that I wanted to be a father to my little girl more than anything so I decided to move to the UK to attempt to co-parent with my ex. Fast forward to now and I am living in the UK and things have been extremely difficult. My daughter is nearly 2 months old and visitation is extremely limited. On one encounter my ex is positive and I think in that moment she wants to do what is right but the next time I see her it is the opposite. I haven't been named on the birth certificate and she will not speak about it, if I bring it up she leaves and my time with my daughter is cut short. She will not accept any help other than money and I cannot make any progress (when I try things go pear shaped). She does not keep me informed on my daughters progress and tells me a lot of lies regarding her also. I do have lawyers in the background giving me advice but I just don't think they appreciate the nature of a BPD and the false hope that I know she is giving me, she keeps saying time will fix this but I have heard it all before. I have been in this revolving door for more than a year now with this person and I know she will never change her ways. The problem that I have is I desperately want to avoid court because I know once that happens there will be no going back and there will be no amicable relationship. I also think it is going to make things horrible for my daughter in the future. BUT I know for a fact this person wants me to have no part in my daughters life but I am stuck. My gut is telling me to be ruthless and go to court. I guess what I am asking for is advice from people with similar experiences and what the outcomes were etc. Obviously there is much, much more to this story but it would take me years to write it. Any help that is given would be appreciated! thanks!

[chewy89]

Long story short, I was involved with a person that believe to have BPD for almost 6 months we had been friends before hand for nearly 4 years. Things weren't perfect before she fell pregnant but things got very bad once she was, she broke up with me but wouldn't leave. She still expected everything that is usually included in a relationship accept intimacy or any sort of dialogue. We went to the UK (her home town) for a holiday when she was 3 months pregnant, as I said the 3 months were absolute hell. Once in the UK I found out she was going to meet up with an ex partner and others and was saying things to them that were inappropriate so I finally bit the bullet and left her in the UK with her family. She took the stance of I had abandoned her and played the victim card very heavily. I left to go back to Australia and I was very angry and did not want to ever see her again, but as I recovered from what had happened, I realised that I wanted to be a father to my little girl more than anything so I decided to move to the UK to attempt to co-parent with my ex. Fast forward to now and I am living in the UK and things have been extremely difficult. My daughter is nearly 2 months old and visitation is extremely limited. On one encounter my ex is positive and I think in that moment she wants to do what is right but the next time I see her it is the opposite. I haven't been named on the birth certificate and she will not speak about it, if I bring it up she leaves and my time with my daughter is cut short. She will not accept any help other than money and I cannot make any progress (when I try things go pear shaped). She does not keep me informed on my daughters progress and tells me a lot of lies regarding her also. I do have lawyers in the background giving me advice but I just don't think they appreciate the nature of a BPD and the false hope that I know she is giving me, she keeps saying time will fix this but I have heard it all before. I have been in this revolving door for more than a year now with this person and I know she will never change her ways. The problem that I have is I desperately want to avoid court because I know once that happens there will be no going back and there will be no amicable relationship. I also think it is going to make things horrible for my daughter in the future. BUT I know for a fact this person wants me to have no part in my daughters life but I am stuck. My gut is telling me to be ruthless and go to court. I guess what I am asking for is advice from people with similar experiences and what the outcomes were etc. Obviously there is much, much more to this story but it would take me years to write it. Any help that is given would be appreciated! thanks!

[Thunderstruck]

Hi chewy89 

I'm very sorry to hear about all that stress. Your BPDx sounds a lot like my SDs uBPDbm... .before we had a court order she very much acted like the gatekeeper. She would put my SD in the middle of fights and drama in order to limit our time with her. She would demand money in order for us to be able to see SD. She would never share school information or doctor information.

Once we went to the courts, things started to get better. We have also used a lot of things we have learned through this message board to help reduce conflict and get DHs parental rights exerted.

[chewy89]

Hi Thunderstruck,

Thanks for that! I'm glad things are getting better. Are things amicable between the 2 after court?

[Thunderstruck]

Hi Thunderstruck,

Thanks for that! I'm glad things are getting better. Are things amicable between the 2 after court?

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. No.

uBPDbm has a lot of anger. She takes all that anger out on DH. She wants control over SD but doesn't want to parent SD (and especially doesn't want to coparent).

We mostly parallel parent now. We have tried (mostly for show since we have a final CO pending) to coparent but it fails miserably.

[chewy89]

hahah I didn't think so. Hopefully it goes well for you!

[bravhart1]

Since the nature of BPD is that the person is volatile and unpredictable I think just from a logical standpoint it makes sense to assume it won't change and become pleasant out of the blue.

Even with no diagnoses you can just say this person is erratic and act accordingly, meaning assume they will not change and that you must do what is necessary to protect the relationship with your child.

It has been my experience that when dealing with people with BPD that any show of compassion or reticence to stand up to their bullying is seen as a sign of great weakness.  

Failing to stand up on your own behalf is seen as an admission by you that they are correct to be in control.

I would advise to do what YOU need to do to protect your daughter and your relationship with her, without succumbing to the whims of someone you can't predict from day to day.

[chewy89]

Hi bravhart1,

Cheers for your advice, I think my thought process is similar to your own. The I'm going to tell her our arrangement isn't acceptable and we need to go to mediation to get the ball rolling. I think she is panicking from the things she has said recently, so I'm expecting a volatile response haha

[bravhart1]

Just take heed that frequently when pwBPD are feeling pressured (like being told they are going to be taken to mediation) they can respond with the  bright  idea to trump up some false charges or accusations to get you back under their thumb.

You are warned. Protect yourself from false accusations, be careful what you put in writing, like from texts or emails and don't be caught off guard. Best of luck to you. 

[chewy89]

Ok, so today went badly but to be expected, I suggested mediation and she instantly went into victim mode and turned everything back on me. I managed to keep my cool and stick to my guns, but she said that she wouldn't attend mediation. So we will see what happens next week, does anyone know if refusing mediation is frowned upon or not?

[bravhart1]

Not sure where you are located? I would think that universally though it would be safe to say that not cooperating with the ex about the kids, like doing mediation, would be frowned upon.

And like here in California, it isn't a choice if the other parents wants it.